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LONG BLOG

TheManchild's Guide to Canning

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Welcome to the wonderful world of Canning! This comprehensive guide offers the latest information to get YOU started in the enthusiast hobby of Canning, today!

But what is Canning, you might be asking yourself? Will this guide teach me to store delicious pickled vegetables in the basement next to the jars of severed hands floating in formaldehyde, just like Grandma used to do? The answer is both yes, and no; but mostly no. It is a common misconception that the Canning we describe in this book has anything remotely to do with the vaguely sinister act of staying up all night to store processed foods, although it is easy to see why the two terms are often accidentally confused with one another.

Canning is the act of playing Game Boy while on the toilet, typically while defecating, or while having an unusually long sit-down pee. Canning is a great way to pass the time, and is one of America's greatest pastimes! That is almost a play on words!



Like a contorted Mister Lemon wrestling a hot dog, Canning utilizes positively arcane, unearthly technology, and as such, the source from which it derives its power is equally outdated and difficult to find. Double A batteries have been written about in many historic records as a common way to power household items such as metal detectors and electric tie racks, but are much more difficult to find today. Before this very text was amended, we originally recommended using your metal detector to search for discarded, half used Double A batteries on a beach, or field. However, due to so many people needing the batteries just to power their metal detectors, there were obvious problems with this suggestion that we have since reconsidered.

Section A1 - Okay So I'm Taking a Shit And Playing Pokemon, What Now?

That's it! You are now officially a Canning enthusiast. We hope that Canning provides you many years of fun, enjoyment, and Canning in your future. So, as us self-proclaimed Canners often like to say to one another, we offer you a "Hey Canbro, Can you Can me another Can? I need to Can some Canning before the Can is all Can Can Can. Canned." and wish you GOOD LUCK on your CANNING JOURNEY.

GOD BLESS, AND GOOD LUCK.
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About TheManchildone of us since 2:03 PM on 08.10.2011

HIRE ME GAME INDUSTRY. HIRE ME YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.

I am an aging man with starving children. I write blogs about video games. My favorite system is the Game Boy. I have three of them in my house; one in the shitter, one by my computer, and one in my pocket.

My aspiration in life is to not die. Runner up is writing and creating random bullshit related to my only hobby, which is games. I guess I read books too. But nobody cares about OLD MAN hobbies like that, so get outta town, GRANDPA!

My favorite game is Ecco the Dolphin. I like to speedrun it because it makes me feel like a big man, except when the credits run, which is where I usually reflect sadly upon the rest of my life. I love dick jokes and farts. Dickfarts.

I want to write for Destructoid some day, but the staff here are too smart to hire me. I need to find a clever way to trick a legitimate enthusiast site to pay me a small amount of money to do something for them or I can never happy.

But even then, I probably still won't be happy.

Such is life.

PSN ID:Phosisthedolphin
Steam ID:joeldavidpeterson
BattleNET:Phosis


 

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