Newtwo: Game Freak's blatant attempt to ruin my childhood

7:33 AM on 04.10.2013 (server time)0

Look Game Freak, we need to talk. I know you�re hard at work on Pok�mon X and Y � after all, that umpteenth boulder puzzle isn�t going to lay itself out � but we need to address this past weekend�s, shall we say, events. On this Sunday�s episode of Pok�mon Smash, the weekly Pok�mon variety show whose existence is apparently still warranted, you revealed what appeared to be a new form of Mewtwo, but what was in actuality a flagrant assault on my childhood.

I like to think of myself as a rational man, Game Freak. Open-minded, even. I consider myself to be someone who does not react to the announcement of a new character in what is ostensibly a children�s game with intense feelings of blind rage. But what the hell am I looking at here? People have been quick to label this offensive monstrosity as some kind of Dragon Ball Z reject, but that�s giving it too much credit. You just slapped Mewtwo�s tail on to its head. Then you added a weird futuristic flesh hood for, what exactly, aerodynamic reasons? Not only do you have the gall to repurpose the titan of the original 151 for your nefarious purposes, but you have the sheer chutzpah to do it in the most half-assed way possible.

Mind you, this is not coming from a fierce Generation I loyalist, either. I actually like Pok�mon beyond Red and Blue. You know what my favorite Pok�mon is? Garchomp. What�s there not to like about a face-eating land shark that moves at mach speeds? I also have a Milotic that I�ve used to beat the Elite Four in every region. I always make sure a Metagross is a part of my team, I have a Rotom that�s gotten me out of a lot of jams, and I think Victini is downright adorable. I look down on anyone who hasn�t played any of the series beyond its Game Boy days, because they�re missing out on the soul-enriching experience of catching a Bidoof.

But as much as I defend the nearly 500 other entries in the National Dex, there�s no denying that not every one of them is a winner. You made an ice cream cone Pok�mon, Game Freak. You made three of them. You just slapped googly eyes on Mr. Tastee and you have to go to bed every night with that on your conscience. And that�s fine, really. You make all the sentient garbage bags you want. What�s not okay is applying the same level of forethought that you put into Stunfisk into an unnecessary update on my cherished childhood memories.

Listen, my frustration isn't entirely your fault. I�m in a very weird place right now. It just seems that recently the entire world is hell bent on stomping all over the things I once held dear. First Devil May Cry gets an Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show-style reboot with a Dante that has black hair and chugs energy drinks and, I don�t know, probably uses Snapchat to defeat Hell's unholy army. Then I learn that David Hayter wasn�t asked to voice Solid Snake for Metal Gear Solid 5, as if anyone could even fathom replacing that gravel-voiced angel. And now Disney is going all �Uncle Owen�s farm� on Lucasarts and torching the place, reminding me that nothing is forever and that everything beautiful in life eventually decays into a husk of its former glory before succumbing to an ignoble death.

Can�t we just have one thing that�s sacred in videogames? One thing that isn�t reimagined or replaced or ruined for the sake of a few easy bucks? I�m not saying Generation I Pok�mon are some kind of untouchable ideal. They�re not. You guys made a transvestite in blackface that we all just kind of pretend never happened. And it�s not like updates on the original 151 can�t be done right. Electivire is pretty awesome, and Magmortar is a glorious realization of all the Pok�mon I designed in 4th grade that had flaming cannons for hands.

But Mewtwo is different. Mewtwo is untouchable. Mewtwo represents everything I loved about Pok�mon. The wonder I felt when I navigated Cerulean Cave�s labyrinthine passageways in search of the hulking genetic experiment lurking miles beneath Kanto. The triumph of capturing the telekinetic behemoth without chumping out and using a Master Ball. The escapist power trip of leveling that attempt-at-playing-God-gone-awry all the way to 100 and repeatedly tearing through the Elite Four to watch Professor Oak disown his grandson and crown me Champion in a delicious Schadenfreude loop.

Sure, maybe this Newtwo nonsense will provide a generation of kids all the same thrills I experienced. And sure, maybe this is all just the insane ramblings of someone who is ascribing too much meaning to a fictional children�s monster as the encroaching tide of adulthood threatens to sweep over them completely. But screw it. Let me have this, Game Freak. Mewtwo was a legendary back when that word still meant something. This abomination is only a reminder that the symbols of our youth � these silly totems that once held such significance � can be manipulated for a cheap nostalgic kick that keeps us chasing a feeling that we can never get back.

Seriously, seventeen years of fire/water/grass starters and this is what you jerks decide to change? I think it�s time you reevaluate your priorities Game Freak, and this is coming from a grown man who just took to the Internet to write a near 1,000 word rant about a new Pok�mon.