Since Pokemon X and Y was just announced a few days ago and fan art has already appeared in spades, one thing became very clear to me: if I didn't lay down my claim of starter Pokemon, somebody else clearly would and at release I would be left cold and alone without my obvious top choice. Yes, we've all heard the desperate calls of his name by now; the masses cheering him on while those other degenerate Pokemon watch with jealousy from the sidelines.
You know who I'm talking about. It's that bouncing badass, that springy slimer, that amphibious allspice, Froakie.
And I've got dibs, mother fuckers.
So why Froakie? I'm glad you asked.
He's a water type.
Water types are clearly
the best. Let's look at some famous water types, shall we? Squirtle, Psyduck, Poliwhirl, Totodile, Mudkip, Kyogre, Suicune, Slowpoke, Cloyster, Lapras, Pelipper, and who can forget: MOTHER FUCKING MAGIKARP.
Get out of here with that Charizard shit. Pikachu? More like... I pick... but not-choo! Boom, roasted.
Let's be clear on one thing. Every living thing needs water to survive. At any given moment, water types could suck that water right out of your body and leave you a withered wretch. But they are noble warriors indeed, and shan't kill.
They could flood the Earth and populate it with ONLY water types. The only reason they do not do this is because they appreciate the value of biodiversity. This is the brotherhood Froakie is being introduced to.
Honor: exclusive to water types.
Frogs fucking rock.
Remember Ang Lee's Hulk? Remember why it sucked so much? You may be thinking, “Oh, bad writing, too long, stupid actors,” yeah, yeah, you think you're an art critic. But you're wrong. The instant the movie became bad was when that frog exploded in the gamma chamber. Just you try and tell me otherwise.
Because frogs, more than any other animal, connect with us as humans. They are disciplined, fascinatingly shaped, and they're adaptive enough to claim both sea and land as their home. They are everything we humans wish
we could be—but we aren't.
They eat bugs. Bugs are pests that carry disease. Point awarded to frogs!
Consider Kermit the Frog: the perfect specimen. He is a balanced individual. A natural-born leader. Talented and friendly. The Muppets all look up to him. Yet he is aware of his personal flaws. He's the man, but not The Man, mostly because he's a frog.
But you don't mess with a frog. Many of them secrete toxins over their skin to deter and poison predators. Indeed, they represent the perfect balance of water and earth: on one hand, there is the calm, cool demeanor of Kermit the Frog. On the other is the rough and rocky road of peril.
The yin. The yang. The Froakie.
Japan makes frogs twice as cool.
I mean, have you watched Sergeant Frog? That shit's hilarious. It's basically like Invader Zim, but not so disturbing, and also more anime, and with alien frogs. Instantly cooler.
And don't forget “For the Frog the Bell Tolls.” That game was so rad, the Link's Awakening developers thought, damn that's what we want
, and ended up making one of the best Zelda games. But the game that started it all was just as incredible, if not more.
And does anybody remember Ribbot from Animal Crossing? I would harass my neighbors to make them move out JUST so I could get a slight
chance of getting that metamorphic mech to show up in my town.
The possibilities of 3D.
Because let's be honest, you've always wanted to see a frog's tongue lunge at you in 3D.
The other starter Pokemon are just lame.
Fennekin's design is bland, and Chespin looks like a chump. “Ooh, look at my hat, isn't it cool? Myeh myeh,” NO IT'S NOT CHESPIN, GET OVER YOURSELF. FUCK.
Compare Froakie's design, which screams
class. He looks like he's got little bifocals on his precious little nose! And his hair's like a powdered wig!
And who has the best possibilities for evolutions? What's Fennekin going to turn into, a Rapidash? No thanks. And Chespin? A capybara? Okay, that might be pretty sweet, but the point is this: who doesn't want to see a ten-foot tall muscle-bound lissamphibian? That delectable creature would be wise beyond his years and powerful beyond ANY LIVING THING.
In return for calling dibs, here's what I expect.
A mustache. All I ask, is that in one of the evolutions, good old Froakie grows a mustache. Bushy and well-kept. Nintendo, use Frogfucius as an inspiration, and we're good to go. Like this.
So there. Start picking at the leftovers, vultures, because Froakie is officially MINE.
Now I just need to buy a 3DS...
Check the gallery for more cool frog pics!
LOOK WHO CAME: