Strap yourselves in boys and fake gamer girls, it’s time for a history lesson. Allow for me to imbue you with the knowledge and origins of the infamous top ten list!
At the beginning of time, there were no numbers. People huddled around fires, desperate for a way to count themselves, and other stuff like piles of meat and clumps of fur. Then BOOM! God invented the TOP TEN: A glorious way to list out your top ten favorite things regarding a subject for all to see. These number would eventually give way to a few other numbers like eight, or the occasional three. The top ten was used original by Neanderthals to display to other cave-folk stuff like their top ten ways to give themselves a concussion with a rock, their top ten animals to do horrible sex things to, and their favorite places around the college campus to get hot wings. This served its purpose for like three hundred years up until the American Revolution when Samuel Adams would write the declaration of independence, which was essentially a top ten list of how to be cooler than British people. (It’s not that hard folks)
Just kidding. (Lived in England foureen years and they’re actually a lot cooler than they look.)
But anyways, so back to what I was saying. Samuel Adams, the founder of Microsoft, eventually took the idea of the Top Ten list and copyrighted it, knowing how much money it would make him in the future. He installed a software basis for DRM and other cool features that people would love, and began marketing the concept to nerds and gamers, who also, due to their natural predilection towards anally listing things (See: Serial murder victims, favorite corn syrup flavors, and pureed carbonated vegetable beverages) would grow to love it. Nerds took to the shit like a white person to a group of other white people when there are a lot of “ethnics” everywhere. Now you can find top ten lists littering every street corner, asking for your money, trying to sell you magazines you’ll never need, and basically making you generally uncomfortable most of the time… OH… oh whoops that’s actually homeless people in San Francisco. My bad.
Same thing really.
So here we go, this is my first contribution to the floating pile of internet garbage that is the lost continent of top ten lists. To be honest, I’ve always loved top tens. Stupid (fake and probably racist) history lesson aside, they’re a fantastic way to display your thoughts on a subject across a diverse and varied array of criteria. One of my favorites of all time has to be one Jim Sterling wrote about which Batman villains he’d like to see in the next Arkham Asylum series installment. Things like that are the top tens that we need more of. Those that look at stuff from a different perspective where there’s an untapped wealth of interesting and fun information awaiting it’s chance to shine. So in the same villainous vein, I decided to compile a list of my own. And without further ado, I give you:
THE ARTISTICLE TOP TEN VILLAINS WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR! 10. Sheogorath (The Elder Scrolls IV and V)
The writing for her… well… it’s hard to call it dialogue. More… the writing for her pointed monologues were always witty, sharp, and biting, yet you couldn’t help but come away grinning every time. I would laugh until I was blue in the face at the jokes she’d make throughout that game, and I still consider myself generally a horrible person that I’ve only made my fiancé play through JUST the first half of 2 with me. It was the first game since I bought that “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” game boy color game, that I couldn’t stop myself from beating in one day. It was too glorious. Everything she has said has influenced the standard to which I hold up all comedy writing in video games, or ANY form of entertainment, to this day. I hope to god that we see her in games past 2 as I can’t go the rest of my days re-listening to Ellen McLain speak at conventions and use my imagination to overlay a synthesized voice in my head forever. I’ll go mad… but then… I guess that’s what she wanted all along… huh.
/Turns away from 1980’s tv-big screen back across a desk with placard on it which reads “Bungus Master”
Gee. Hasn’t it been a journey and a half? We’ve really learned a bit about ourselves, some whacky villains, the number ten, and all the numbers that come before it. I hope you’ve enjoyed our lengthy foray into my psyche. I know you didn’t ask for it. But I gave it to you anyways, so suck it up.
ANYWAYS. You know I like to go out on a question, and this one’s probably pretty obvious.
If you had to have any villain moles- Woah whoops. Stupid cue cards. Again.
If you had to choose any villain who had a flare for the comedic from your past gaming experiences to be the best man/maid of honor at your wedding, who would it be and why?
LOOK WHO CAME: