What would my life be like if I wasn't married? If I didn't have a little screaming brood running around fucking shit up in my house every day? If she didn't slam the spacebar key while I was playing FTL and TOTALLY SCREWED ME OVER FUCK. I have wondered this sometimes. And by sometimes, I mean one time, this morning, after I read this blog on this site that isn't as good as Destructoid about a girl who was trying to find love on OKCupid, and instead found a bunch of socially awkward nerds who just wanted to fuck in the bathroom. They were attracted to her because she put in her profile that she was a gamer.
But not all gamers are socially awkward creepy weirdos. I have put together a future OKCupid profile for the inevitable day when my wife leaves me. I am not a ashamed to be a gamer, and I think that the woman who wrote this article would totally dig me for my honesty, and sexiness.
Send me a message if you want to hang out someday when I'm available. We can hold hands, or chat, or you can just step on my balls with stilettos. Whatever, I'm game for pretty much whatever. We just gotta wait until my wife finds my stash of geodes I spent her life savings on. I just can't get enough geodes these days.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I like those bathroom reader books. I can learn about stuff and they rate about a 3 on the Gunner Fog Index which is great 'cause I don't have a very good vocabulary or nothing what like that. My favorite movie is Blue Velvet, but mainly I just watch the scene where Dennis Hopper kisses Kyle McLaughlin over and over. It was artistically stylish, don't get the wrong idea. I don't watch television because I don't want the cable guy coming into my apartment, or anyone else for that matter; I don't need to go through all that shit again, the cops were here for like two days checking things out last time. I mostly listen to Abba albums at a really low volume and at twenty percent speed, and I made a recipe I like to call the "Poor Mans Pants Shitter Casserole" which is made of like, a box of Kraft Dinner, an onion, and a shitload of those little chili peppers. But I make sure I take the next day off if I'm gonna make that for dinner because, well, the name should have given that away anyhow.
The six things I could never do without
Alexis Texas five times, and face-sitting videos.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Corn. I don't really get why that is. There is something about corn that makes it endlessly fascinating. It can be used for so many different things, but all of those different things are just for eating. I just really, really like corn.
On a typical Friday night I am
The most private thing I'm willing to admit
I cried once while watching Finding Nemo. It was only because I was real sick and on a lot of drugs. I mean his fucking mother died, give me a fucking break, am I the only one with any emotions? Who the fuck puts that shit in a kids movie, anyways for Christ sake? I didn't turn that shit on to watch a friggin' dramatic play, I wanted to see CG fish do crazy shit while I tripped balls and threw up into an ice cream bucket. Fuck you Pixar.
I'm looking for
Girls who like guys
For activity partners, long-distance penpals, casual sex
You should message me if
You know what, fuck it. I didn't realize what a pain in the ass was. I think I'm having flashbacks. All I can think about is that scene in the fish movie where the dad fish is all like "oh shit your mother died" and mom is dead and it was all quiet and sad. And then just to fuck with you the whole thing fades to black and then cheery music starts playing and it's all like "AND THEN IT WAS BACK TO BUSINESS AS USUAL" but you're too FUCKED UP INSIDE TO WANT TO KEEP GOING so you sit in the shower and cry while trying to wash all the ants off of you. But they just keep coming. They never stop. And then you are in the hospital and they are shoving charcoal down your throat. Fuck, where am I?
Oh yeah, I also like gamer chicks. My favorite game is Cosmic Carnage for the 32X. We could play it and then cuddle and you could make me french toast or something. But you gotta pay your own bills, I only have enough pop cans in my closet to buy groceries once a week. This ain't a charity drive, I expect self sufficiency. Don't try to steal any of my cans, you cunt.
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About TheManchildone of us since 2:03 PM on 08.10.2011
HIRE ME GAME INDUSTRY. HIRE ME YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.
I am an aging man with starving children. I write blogs about video games. My favorite system is the Game Boy. I have three of them in my house; one in the shitter, one by my computer, and one in my pocket.
My aspiration in life is to not die. Runner up is writing and creating random bullshit related to my only hobby, which is games. I guess I read books too. But nobody cares about OLD MAN hobbies like that, so get outta town, GRANDPA!
My favorite game is Ecco the Dolphin. I like to speedrun it because it makes me feel like a big man, except when the credits run, which is where I usually reflect sadly upon the rest of my life. I love dick jokes and farts. Dickfarts.
I want to write for Destructoid some day, but the staff here are too smart to hire me. I need to find a clever way to trick a legitimate enthusiast site to pay me a small amount of money to do something for them or I can never happy.