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Pitches for Playstation commercials from my dream journal

I think we all need to be honest about how Sony advertises Playstation things. Once you get past the commercials with game footage or the Kevin Butler ones that persuade by being entertaining in a Colbert sort of way, what you have left is either created by doing loads of drugs or it was just pulled from some advertising exec's dream journal.

Since I've never really done serious drugs, I'm just going to go with the latter because when I dream its all full of WTF anyway. I blame video games. Nonetheless, I think with some work what I dream is all perfect for Sony since they all make about as much sense as what they're doing now.

So I'm going to pitch some commercial ideas because all of this is relevant to video games. All of these come from my dream journal. Okay, i don't really have a dream journal, I just remember all the really freakin' weird dreams when I have them

Pitch #1 - The Christmas Commercial

Its Christmas Eve and apparently I was dreaming that I couldn't sleep. It was so quiet and the stars pierced the darkness of that silent, holy night. Suddenly, there was a sonic boom in the distance and then like the Enterprise dropping out of warp there's Santa's sleigh slowing down on its approach to my house - but half of the reindeer aren't there, replaced by something long and green that I can't make out.

Not long after the sleigh falls out of view I hear the click of reindeer hooves on the roof and the sliding of the sleigh as well. I then realize Santa might not leave presents if he sees me awake so I hop in bed and try to fake sleeping. I hear the shuffling of many feet in the house. Did Santa bring his elves? I squint and I listen. My door slooooowly creaks open and I see the head of The Very Hungry Caterpillar peer in.

The door opens in full and Santa rides in on its back. In one hand he has a knife and in the other a rifle. They look about the room for a few moments and then Santa looks me right in my squinty eyes and chuckles to himself. He feeds the caterpillar one of my Transformers and a Cabbage Patch Kid. He then looks to me again, puts a finger to his lips and goes "Shhhhhh" and rides out laughing,

The door closes, my eyes snap open.


This pitch doesn't need much work, but If you really did want to add some Sony references, I suppose Santa could feed the Caterpillar an Helghast figurine and a Sack Boy doll. Santa could be played by Senator John McCain. If we need to remove The Hungry Caterpillar for legal reasons, Sony could put in Fat Princess instead.

After the kid's eyes snap open at the end - Playstation logo and some holiday wishes.


Pitch #2 - The Castle

I'm trapped in a dank, dark castle, but when I manage to get free of my chains and escape my cell I find I'm not the only prisoner trying to escape. Dirk the Daring and Princess Daphne of Dragon's Lair are also there looking for a way out. We decide to team up, but there's a problem. A giant Pac-Man - the one from the 80's cartoon - is patrolling the castle and he will gobble up any intruders or escapees on sight. All the corridors and passageways are lined with glowing dots and power pellets, too. As he goes about his business the dots and pellets respawn and his patrol cycles become faster and faster.

It takes a little time, but as we get closer and closer to the exit and escaping Pac-Man continues to speed up. When we reach the final stretch toward the exit we find we've run out of cover to hide behind. Pac-Man is going to see us and we're going to have to run like hell.

Just as we begin our dash to freedom, Dirk trips and falls, but there's no stopping now - I take Daphne's hand and we run until we exit and the gate slams shut behind us. We turn to see Dirk chewed up by Pac-Man. A horrific and gruesome death for the heroic knight, but Dirk's death allowed us our freedom. Pac-Man glares at us momentarily as he chews on Dirk, but eventually turns to resume his patrol since he can't exit the castle due to his size. Solemnly, Daphne and I turn to see the sunrise and Dirk's horse tied to a tree. We mount the horse and ride off into the distance.


Again we have some potential licensing issues here. Dirk and Daphne are going to have to go since Don Bluth doesn't like his characters in commercials. We'll replace them with Ethan from Heavy Rain and Ellen Fisher from Uncharted since I'm going to be getting the girl regardless. Ethan is, obviously, going to be there looking for Jason and will get eaten by Pac-Man, but not without some pained emotion on his face before it happens.

Me and Ellen have a romantic kiss, get on the horse and ride toward the sunrise.

Playstation logo.


Dream #3 - A Day at the Beach

It is a gorgeous summer day, with a cloudless sky and endless blue on the horizon. I'm a lifeguard on the beach, overseeing everyone's safety and saying bossy things at them on my megaphone. Suddenly the earth starts to shake in intervals and a gigantic bikini-clad Milla Jovovich - at least a mile tall, give or take - is wading down the coastline, not caring about the surfers, boogieboarders or boats she's knocking around or the people she's flattened.

She pauses in front of my lifeguard chair and looks down at me, then kneels down and draws a series of numbers in the sand. She stands back up, looks at me and does the "call me" gesture before stepping over me and walking into the city.

Moments later a pizza delivery car stops next to my chair. Apparently I had ordered a pizza, so I jump down to meet the pizza guy. To my surprise, Papa John's hires from the zoo now because the delivery guy was a panda. I ask If I can borrow a pen for a moment - because that's always the first thing you ask a panda - and he supplies me with one. I write down Giant Milla's number on the pizza box. After returning the pen I pay the panda three boxes of chalk for the pizza. He eats the boxes of chalk, nods and leaves.

I get back in my chair, enjoy my Hawaiian-style pizza and ponder where I could take Giant Milla on a date. Where does one go with a mile-high supermodel?


Playstation. There is nothing about this that isn't a Playstation commercial. Given how much work Sony gives Wes Paul Anderson I think we could get his wife Milla in this commercial and he could direct it, even add explosions if he wanted to. A panda also makes sense because there's a panda in Tekken and that keeps it gaming related.

There's nothing more I can really say here. All of these dreams and their WTF non-sequiturs really do seem to fit right in with Sony's style of advertising. I know to some people a couple of these dreams might even be nightmares, but I really don't see them as such. I see them as an opportunity to get into advertising with Sony to help them better reach their customers and make money doing it To me, caterpillar riding psycho Santas and Giant Millas are just day-to-day business.

If you want to pass my crappy surrealism for artsy commercials, go right on ahead. I'll take your money, Sony.

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About The Silent Protagonistone of us since 1:33 AM on 10.06.2009

I've been into games since I was able to reach the joystick on the Pac-Man arcade cabinet. That was 1982 - ever since that day I knew gaming and I would be bound by fate in some way, shape or form that I've still yet to figure out.

Until then, I've decided to just play games, enjoy them, blog about games and otherwise not shut up about them. Well, I do think about other stuff, I just keep coming back to the whole games thing.

Metroid is probably still my all-time favorite series. Its the one I keep coming back to year after year despite which version it might be. Super Metroid and Metroid Prime 2 are my favorites of the series and I also often enjoy anything Metroid-like. I enjoy the solitude and exploration of such games.

I also enjoy Shin Megami Tensei, Fallout, Deus Ex, The Elder Scrolls - pretty much anything with a lot of solitary exploration and a large world makes me a rather happy camper. To contrast this I usually need some lighter and happier games as well, which could be anything from a Pokemon game to a fashion game. Retro games of most stripes are something I still enjoy. Sometimes you just need that sort of contrast to keep going.

My platforms of choice tend to be handhelds, I'm starting to consider dropping any non-Nintendo console in favor of PC since Sony's IPs don't appeal to me and Halo just ends up on PC at some point anyway. I don't hate Playstation per se, I just hate what its become under the current Sony.

I do keep a PS2 handy to revisit Playstation's glory days. Great console, easily one of the best platforms aside from SNES, DS and Dreamcast.

As for other things about me, I guess we'll find out, won't we?