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Special Report: Tiny Wings Halves Prison Population

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Governments the world over have always struggled with crime and the tactics for reducing it. Everything from water boarding to playing poorly tuned banjos for fourteen hours a day has being tried to dissuade reoffenders. Recent research from the University of Clackmannanshire however may have found the solution and it may be smaller than most would think.

Philip Peddelwhacker (head of phycology and needle work) stumbled across the solution when attempting to discipline his own fifteen year old son Franco. Franco had begun the dark decent into cockily swigging whisky on street corners and squawking at passers-by when Peddelwhacker senior made a break through.
“It all turned round when I bought Franco an iPhone and a ten pound iTunes card” states Dr Philip Peddelwhacker PHD “his behaviour changed overnight”.

On the recommendation of a friend Peddelwhacker junior bought Andreas Illiger’s IOS title Tiny Wings.
“Franco seemed calmer, docile, more pregnant cow than angry teen.” Philip explains. “His grades got marginally better and even stopped calling me a slut”.
Mystified the good Doctor (of phycology and needle work) set out to find an answer for his sons’ drastic change of character. It wasn’t long before he linked the finger tapping madness of Tiny Wings and Franco’s agreeable behaviour.

Instantly the professor knew that the world needed Tiny Wings to calm the most despicable personalities and set about using government funds to purchase and iPod touch for each and every prisoner in the UK.
Within the first six months reoffending has dropped by a staggering 50%. Exceeding Dr Peddelwhacker’s highest expectations. Johnny ‘Blood Gurgling’ Malone is an ex gangster and took part in the blanket pilot scheme.

“I used gurgle my victims’ blood” Highlights Johnny “Now I just play Tiny Wings”. Malone has enrolled in a cookery course and hopes one day to open a vegan bar and grill.

Although the science is incomprehendable to most the results truly speak for themselves. Playing Tiny Wings may be the most relaxing past time a human can do. The Government hopes to roll out this project across schools and nurseries nation-wide by 2013.


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About SubjectFletchyone of us since 3:14 PM on 07.02.2012

I'm Will, I enjoy long walks on the beach and hanging my head in shame. Currently I play Xbox and PC but may be delving into playstation land just for LittleBig Planet.
My favourite word is avian but I've never being a bird.
Aside from games basketball, poker and guitar fiddling are my main interests.
Also books but everyone says books.