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LONG BLOG

Retake Ass Erect 3

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A Petition for Alternate Reviews by Destructoid Editor Jim Sterling

We, the undersigned, respectfully request the consideration of the following petition.

Whereas:

* Video games are an interactive medium providing detailed frameworks within which players can find their own enjoyment or lack thereof

* A major concept of video game reviews is that the numbers at their end significantly affect the quality of this enjoyment

* Another major concept of game reviews is that any game receiving lower than a 7.0 is garbage

We believe:

* It is the right of Jim Sterling (and/or the publishers paying him off) to espouse opinions on games as he (they) see fit

However, we also believe that the currently available stock of his reviews:

* Do not provide satisfactory numerical designations of actual game quality

* Do not convey reactions consistent with a sizable portion of Destructoid's readership, or game review readers in general

* Do not regularly match up to the opinions of other, more established (read: commercial) sites such as IGN, Gamespot, Game Informer, et cetera

* Do not properly maintain games' rightful Metacritic scores more often than not

We therefore respectfully request revisions be provided to Jim's reviews which provide:

* A more satisfactory evaluation of Assassin's Creed II, as that game was leaps and bounds beyond its predecessor and had Ezio Auditore, who was so awesome, they milked him for two more games and several tie-ins and cameos

* An explanation of how anyone, Jim Sterling or otherwise, could enjoy Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 to the extent Jim apparently did

* A lengthy revisitation of Gears Of War 3, in which Jim realizes the technical advancements of the series' third installment over the prior two games clearly make it superior, thus ending the feud between him and Cliff Bleszinski, because we love CliffyB and are tired of him sounding like a bitch whenever Mr. Sterling is mentioned to him

To this end, we donate to the "Retake Ass Erect 3" charity drive in lieu of our signature to this petition, in order to establish our sincerity, our love for Destructoid.com, or at least, our love for the bits with which Jim Sterling is not involved.

We thank you for your consideration.

And are kind of surprised we managed to spell "Bleszinski" correctly on the first try.
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About nekobunone of us since 5:17 PM on 06.29.2007

Hi, I'm Chris, though I've been going by nekobun and variants thereof for so long, I kind of answer to both anymore.

While I've kind of got my own thing going in the realm of indie coverage, at least in the form of playing through (and streaming) (and writing about) the huge backlog I'm developing of games gleaned from various indie bundles, I try to keep my more mainstream, game-related features here, as well as opinion pieces on the industry at large, out of mad love for the 'toid. When I'm not rambling here or trying to be clever in comments threads, you can catch me rambling on Facebook and my Twitter, and trying to be clever in the Dtoid.tv chat.

Now Playing:
360: Halo 4
PC: F.E.A.R.
SNES: Secret Of Mana

Promoted:
I suck at games: PEW PEW LASERS
Improving game communities: Collective consciousness
Nothing is sacred: These walls have torn my world apart
The wrong thing: Only cream and bastards catch them all.
Love/Hate: I love to hate -you-
Love/Hate: B(u)y the book
The Future: Is still what it used to be
My Expertise: Playing the race kart
Something about sex: Sex sells, but who's buying?
E3 Approaches: It's oh so quiet
Freedom: Together, we'll break the chains of HUDs
East vs West: We've got the empire
Handhelds: Graduating as 2000's Catchemaledictorian
Relaxation: Cheesy double Chief burrito
Online Passes: A spoonful of sugar
Peripherals: Many tentacles pimpin' on the keys
This is what MAGfest is all about
Beginnings: Put it on the pizza
Disappointment: Bad(vent) timing

Recap Topsauce:
It's Thinking: Could you quit playing with that radio, love?
Do the wrong thing: And do it right, for once.
Afraid to shoot strangers.
Not if you were the last junkie on Pandora
Is Jim Sterling servicing the video games industry?
Something About Sex: Unsafe at any speed.
Doing DLC right
Congress passes sweeping Elfcare reform bill
Bottom five healthcare systems in videogames.
Pushing my love over the quarter line.
When my life would depend on an eight point none.
Remember the heroes.
Every Journey begins with a single step.
It's all over now, bomber blue.
Being Social: We'll always have Rainbow Road
Labor Day: Of course you realize, this means wark.
Please, aim it higher.
There Would've Been Brawl: Show me 'round your eggplantcage.
Integration: A place for everything
Zelda Week: I guess this is growing up.
MAGfest: the (don't be an) idiot's guide
Promotions: The bees are alright
Now is the winter of on-disc content
This was supposed to be a dozen items about nekobun.
Without Slenderness, there's something missing.
Cheap tricks (and treats) don't come cheaper than free.
The legacy of the (unlikely) wizard.
Cheap Tricks II: Sugar rush boogaloo
Thank you, for bringing me here, for showing me Home.
Burnt flowers fallen: the tragic bitchotry of Lilly Caul
Red and blue, resolving into purple.
Xbox LIVE:nekobun
PSN ID:strictmachine
Steam ID:nekobun
Mii code:2610 8366 7890 1412


 

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