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Congratulations, ME3 outragists, on finally getting what you deserve

But Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft agley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy!
- Robert Burns, To a Mouse, on Turning Her Up in Her Nest with the Plough (1785)

I thought I'd said my peace regarding the whole Mass Effect 3 ending issue in my prior two posts on the topic, but with the recent, ridiculous Federal Trade Commission complaint... I noticed something. There's a pattern to this behavior. A pattern I don't like, and, to be honest, that frightens me a bit. If you caught this post in the first few minutes of it going up, you may have noticed a little snipe at the end, expressing my sympathy to any woman who had to deal with the attentions of these crybabies, which I deleted because it felt off-topic and a bit too much of a stretch. No more.

Those of you petitioning for an entirely new ending to ME3, complaining to the FTC, drumming up support for this kind of crap through the dispicable Retake Mass Effect campaign... you're basically the "white knights," third wheels, and penises-in-a-glass-case to your unrequited love, the Mass Effect franchise. You're collectively tantamount to the sort of sleeper-cell date-rapists that invest who knows how many hours trying to score "points" with a female acquaintance, only to be supremely outraged and indignant when all that effort is seemingly for naught when she chooses another man over you, and it makes me sick to my stomach.

Some more reasonable readers may be aware of the sort of guy I'm referring to, either by archetype or in knowing one personally. Hopelessly enraptured with a lady, he does his best to be a "good friend," spending as much time with her as possible, being there for her, having great times with her, and then throwing their friendship and great history together right out the window when all this "work" he thinks can't help but lead to some happily-ever-after, sexy payoff he feels he's owed turns out not to be the end result. Then everything goes to crap, as disillusionment leads to cries of "Why don't you love me, after all I've done for you?" and "You can't tell me this was all for nothing!" all while she can hear Vertical Horizon's Everything You Want blaring in the background over the phone. In the end, the lady in question is left with few options beyond a) sticking to her guns and standing by her choice in shutting the lad down, b) doling out some pity sex in the hope he'll leave her alone after getting what he came for, or c) a restraining order.

For those of you who believe I'm overstating things, well, I'll confess I'm a fan of hyperbole now and then. However, the similarities are definitely there; I know this because I've been That Guy. A few times. What can I say? I was a slow learner in my youth.

Seeing as how BioWare can hardly expect to keep however many thousands of asshats are banging down their door after not getting the climax they expected at a minimum distance of one-to-three-hundred yards at all times, they're left with the first two options, and I was fairly hopeful that they were sticking with the former, given Casey Hudson's standing by the game's ending early on in the debate. I was optimistic that, despite their rabidity and apparent sense of greater entitlement than other jilted fanbases, these MEthreevisionists would have to learn to take their licks and learn how to accept disappointment, just like everyone else.

Alas, it would appear that may not be the case, after all. In the past twenty-four hours or so, as of this writing, word on the interstreet is that BioWare is considering capitulation in the face of a mouthbreathing, sniveling tide, and that a revised ending to the Mass Effect trilogy may be inbound after all. You've won, petitioners. You've won, you scions of crybabying. You got what you wanted, you broke down BioWare's defenses, and she's going to put out, just like you'd always imagined.

But will it really be what you'd always imagined? Can it possibly live up to your expectations? Consider the nature of pity sex: intercourse dispensed in order to cheer and/or shut someone up. Something that forced, and probably faked in the orgasm department, isn't terribly likely to be fantastic. If anyone would like to correct me, and describe (in gruesome detail) (please) some of the utterly mindblowing sympathy lays they've recieved, feel free, but in my limited, third-hand experience with the beast with two reluctant backs, it's reportedly not so great. What's to say this ending your buckets of tears flushed out of BioWare is going to be any different? Given all these cries regarding the uniqueness of everyone's individual Mass Effect journeys, is it even remotely feasible to believe that all will be made well by a little DLC?

Nope. Not unlike the simpering "nice guy" who gets laid, but still doesn't get the girl in the end, a decent amount, if not most, of the crowd who demanded a new ending in the first place are liable to be left unfulfilled. Some of you may leave satisfied, certainly, but I can't fathom how any writer (aside from a very creative and prolific fanficcer) could even begin to truly sate this dissatisfied legion.

But you've made your bed now, ME3 whinemob, and I hope you get what's coming to you as you and BioWare's writers lie in it, for some brief, fleeting, half-hearted, and unsatisfactory moment. Truly, you have come together to get what's coming to you. And BioWare, well, one can only hope people are quick to forget your subsequent walk of shame.
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About nekobunone of us since 5:17 PM on 06.29.2007

Hi, I'm Chris, though I've been going by nekobun and variants thereof for so long, I kind of answer to both anymore.

While I've kind of got my own thing going in the realm of indie coverage, at least in the form of playing through (and streaming) (and writing about) the huge backlog I'm developing of games gleaned from various indie bundles, I try to keep my more mainstream, game-related features here, as well as opinion pieces on the industry at large, out of mad love for the 'toid. When I'm not rambling here or trying to be clever in comments threads, you can catch me rambling on Facebook and my Twitter, and trying to be clever in the Dtoid.tv chat.

Now Playing:
360: Halo 4
PC: F.E.A.R.
SNES: Secret Of Mana

I suck at games: PEW PEW LASERS
Improving game communities: Collective consciousness
Nothing is sacred: These walls have torn my world apart
The wrong thing: Only cream and bastards catch them all.
Love/Hate: I love to hate -you-
Love/Hate: B(u)y the book
The Future: Is still what it used to be
My Expertise: Playing the race kart
Something about sex: Sex sells, but who's buying?
E3 Approaches: It's oh so quiet
Freedom: Together, we'll break the chains of HUDs
East vs West: We've got the empire
Handhelds: Graduating as 2000's Catchemaledictorian
Relaxation: Cheesy double Chief burrito
Online Passes: A spoonful of sugar
Peripherals: Many tentacles pimpin' on the keys
This is what MAGfest is all about
Beginnings: Put it on the pizza
Disappointment: Bad(vent) timing

Recap Topsauce:
It's Thinking: Could you quit playing with that radio, love?
Do the wrong thing: And do it right, for once.
Afraid to shoot strangers.
Not if you were the last junkie on Pandora
Is Jim Sterling servicing the video games industry?
Something About Sex: Unsafe at any speed.
Doing DLC right
Congress passes sweeping Elfcare reform bill
Bottom five healthcare systems in videogames.
Pushing my love over the quarter line.
When my life would depend on an eight point none.
Remember the heroes.
Every Journey begins with a single step.
It's all over now, bomber blue.
Being Social: We'll always have Rainbow Road
Labor Day: Of course you realize, this means wark.
Please, aim it higher.
There Would've Been Brawl: Show me 'round your eggplantcage.
Integration: A place for everything
Zelda Week: I guess this is growing up.
MAGfest: the (don't be an) idiot's guide
Promotions: The bees are alright
Now is the winter of on-disc content
This was supposed to be a dozen items about nekobun.
Without Slenderness, there's something missing.
Cheap tricks (and treats) don't come cheaper than free.
The legacy of the (unlikely) wizard.
Cheap Tricks II: Sugar rush boogaloo
Thank you, for bringing me here, for showing me Home.
Burnt flowers fallen: the tragic bitchotry of Lilly Caul
Red and blue, resolving into purple.
Xbox LIVE:nekobun
PSN ID:strictmachine
Steam ID:nekobun
Mii code:2610 8366 7890 1412


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