This is the picture I protested SOPA with. Thanks to J-Ro for talking me into this.
I go by the username "randombullseye." My name is Josh Hayes, my friends call me Charlie. I joined Destructoid in 2008, I'd been lurking since 07 and the big Petal Rear Squalid Door nonsense. It was Rob Summa's suggestion on his youtube show that to make friends who are into games, join a like minded gaming community, like a Destructoid, and get to know people there. These PAX shows are where everyone meets up, and I'm an East Coast guy, so I'm going to meet everybody there and play video games, I guess.
My passion outside of video games are horror movies and comic books. My dog is a weenie dog. I'm from West Virginia. You might know that I took an idea from Podtoid and turned it into a RPG Maker game that was broken and messy. The Bonerquest is a thing linked to me forever, I guess. Now I'm turning that name and idea into a novel with plot holes and spelling errors. I've done podcasts before where I make an ass of myself, I write about old games sometimes for dtoid on the community blogs, and I use twitter to say things and I like posting silly picture comments on new stories or reviews on Destructoid. I don't know, you guys might know me and you might not. I wrote for Tomopop for about eight months, you might have read some of those things.
I've never gone to a convention before, sort of confused as to why I'm going to this thing. I'll only be actually at PAX on Friday or Sunday, haven't bought a pass yet because I'm still flakey about the whole thing. But I'm looking forward to getting my picture taken in the dtoid helmet and talking with everybody about video games. Hopefully at a place like this, I can find someone to discuss Chakan the Forever Man with. I'm thinking I'll wear my NWA T-shirt and put “RANDOMBULLSEYE FROM DESTRUCTOID” in masking tape across the back, just in case anybody would miss me. I want to meet everybody and take pictures of me and everybody. I really don't know what to expect from this.
I'm posting those three paragraphs in the Destructoid group as my introduction, or reintroduction I guess. People sort of know me, but I'm like, weird or something I guess. Maybe I'm loud or something and that scares people off? I really want to be friends and make people laugh. My favorite stuff is video games, I can't help myself. I spent all day yesterday with a cooking RPG on the iOS and now I'm trying to get to this Mass Effect 3 ending everyone keeps trying to spoil for me, thanks guys for telling me it was bad. I'm looking foreword to it. Almost as much as I'm looking foreword to PAX East.
So my wife's former roommate lives in Boston, go ahead and think of Spaceballs for a second, I can't say that and think of it either. Ok, done with that? Good. Now let's move with ludicrous speed.
Her former roommate lives in Boston, we're going to ride a train for eighteen hours to get there.
Eighteen hours there, eighteen hours back. That is a lot of fucking time to be on a train, you guys better be prepared for me to be completely wild when I get off this thing. I want to yell, I want to scream, I want to party and dance to the worst Kesha songs. I'll get up on a stage and sing Kesha songs, I don't give a fuck. I know all the words too, I learned them to bust them out on a podcast that just never presented me with an opportunity to bust it out, but god dammit, I'm ready to get sleazy, sorry daddy, it ain't that easy. It isn't easy being my friend, I'm all over the god damn place.
But, I don't drink. I don't want to go to some bar somewhere and be around drinking, it isn't my scene. No matter how many times I say that to people, they can't get that around there head. Every post about PAX usually mentions bars, drinking, and how great a time everyone had. Drinking isn't my thing at all, and usually bars don't like a loud guy who makes an ass of himself unless he's doing comedy or something. I'd love to do stand up in Boston. That would be fun for me, I'd talk about my anal fissure in front of a crowded for ten minutes, no problem. But I'm not much for social scenes. Unless I'm the life of the party, yelling and screaming, I'm hiding the back pissed off I'm wasting time at a party. I'm either at full volume or stuck on mute. I'm scared that I'm wasting a lot of money and time to be stuck on mute.
Here are five things I want to do at PAX -
* Use a urinal next to someone like Ken Lavine. "Freedom Force was great, and you have a pretty dick." Maybe I'll make water next to Al Gore, but I'm hopeful I'll have an awkward moment with someone important. Even if it was just a dude like Jon Holmes, I'd compliment his penis if he was next to me. He is Jon Holmes after all, it would be rude not to bring up his magnificent ding a ling dong. I don't have to pee next to a guy, I could just pass by Tim Scaffer and tell him that I don't like adventure games, to make more games like Costume Quest in person.
* Meeting guys I've known tangentially for years and having my picture taken with them, posing in silly ways like raising my shirt to show my situation or picking a guy off the ground in a big enthusiastic hug. Consider that the closest thing to a warning I can give, I'm ready to make friends with my Destructoid brothers and brothers don't just shake hands.
* My face in the Destructoid helmet. I want a picture of me, in that helmet. I wonder if I should e-mail Hamza about hooking that up? I'll do that after this.
* I want to play the Behemoth's new game and ask them why they made it, in person. As dudes who made two of the best games I've played, what the fuck is Battle Block Theatre? I can't be the only guy who wants to ask that or play this thing, I'm excited for their game, but I'm really ready to ask why this. Why not go to the next logical step for an 2D hand drawn art old school arcade gameplay developer and do a fighting game, or something like that? It is a fucking odd choice to me. I will have the guy going with me tape me doing this on my ipod, even if I don't do video, I'll do audio of it and post that.
* Maybe I'll play Warhammer 40,000 or watch guys do that. I'm fascinated by the amount of dedication involved in that silly game. I'm also sure that Dungeons & Dragons have a big presence at a thing like this, I'd love to watch a game or play one myself and use a character like I did on Bulltoid in person. Some dudes take their table top games way to serious, but I like to have fun with a character that is more bananas than I am. Oh, maybe I'll play that H.P. Lovecraft Pen & Paper game? I'm sure I can find a couple dudes who want to do that.
Other than these things, I don't know why I'm going to PAX. This is going to cost me, a lot of money and a lot of time. Eighteen hour train rides do not make my pussy wet in the slightest sirs. I'm not about that shit. I'll be in Boston for four days, spending time with my wife's former roomate and her boyfriend, who I'll be using as a babysitter at PAX. He's my camera man and I guess we'll play Call of Duty or look at new World of Warcraft bullshit since he's into those and actually cares about seeing the god damn pandas before other people. I don't. I like playing full and done video games, but who a shit.
I'm going to this thing to meet you guys, you guys that read this. Maybe Elsa or CharAznable, people who write back to me on my posts or that I've talked to on Xbox Live like Zeke The Plumber will show up and I'll meet them. I want to meet guys who left Destructoid like Aaron Linde and Reverand Anthony. Otherwise, I'm looking to meeting Destructoid staff like Magnalon who'll be there I think and dudes from sites like Racketboy, Tomopop, and Negative Gamer. I like those people, I know them sort of too. I'm getting anxious about meeting everybody and thinking I'm probably going to show my ass at this thing and get kicked out. I don't want to do that, but I know myself. I'm loud. I watched Tommy Boy too many times as a kid, I can't not be who I am. Being me is all I can do, I can't not have concerns about this or be excited about it at the same time. Friendship is a thing, I guess.
But who I am more than anything is a guy whose passionate about video games, and recently I've began taking writing super seriously now that I'm writing a book and putting money into that. My wife's roommate is an editor for the bigger grad schools up there, and I'm getting her to work on Bonerquest with me. I feel like that adds another layer to the book, and I really want to get this thing done. I'm supposed to talk to her about that while I'm in Boston, but I've a feeling I'll probably spend time at her house, in a room, with a TV, all alone, playing video games. Just like I could do right here at home, right now, without taking train rides or using my vacation from work to do this.
I feel like I should meet everybody can. I want to know people, I want to be a person. Hopefully we can be friends at this thing.
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