I have come out of the last month realizing something. I kept trying to think about if I was ready to be a genius programmer, like the one I was trying to live up to at my last job. But, I am already that person. And what has been happening to me emotionally reaches way back to when my brother passed away nine years ago. There are a lot of people who think I'm a bright person. I've been told that for most of my life. My girlfriend, my family, my friends - they must see something in me too. It is very hard for me to display that brightness since my brother died. It's also really hard to remain humble when I'm so angry. Most of the time I disappoint people and give the impression that I'm just getting by. But I have so many amazing people around me, especially in the Destructoid c-blogs, that have seen some of my work. And even though my blogs are rushed and I don't often put my best foot forward, people seem to like what I'm doing. It is nice to feel that because depression still hangs over my head.
I remember doing the c-blog fan fiction chapters. I remember wishing I could do more. I remember wishing that I could add other people to the story. And I remember reading the last chapter to most of the people that were in the story at PAX. The reception to the story was absolutely something that is saving my ass from being depressed with my work. There were quite a few people reading my blogs that said that they would buy a game from me if I ever made one. You guys have no idea how important that is to me. The c-blog fan fiction is something I have been more proud about than anything else that I've done in my career. I've finished a Facebook game, seen a handheld device on Bestbuy shelves that I worked on, and I have two mobile games on the iPad and iPhone that I have had influence on. And I still feel nothing for those projects. The c-blog fan fiction, however, warms my heart.
And so, in my soul searching I have figured out that I need to make my own RPG game. I can make my own engine because today's technology makes it easier to do that. I will keep you all informed. Thank you for your time.
LOOK WHO CAME: