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Dolphins, Pterodactyls, and Pink Clouds: An Idiot's Guide to Fapping


This is the preamble. All blogs have these now. They are super important. Once one of these punched me in my nuts. It was cold-fricking-blooded. Oh, and if you're looking for something helpful there is a song embedded below to listen to while reading this, or conversely to listen to and not read this. I hope you like one or the other.

P.S. I am naked.

It's good to feel appreciated. It's also good to know that people recognize that you exist. Faps can do both of those. Sure, we like to think that we value our judgement, and that somewhere in our opinion there is worth beyond being average, but let's not discount potential, effort, presentation, and precision.

To put this as bluntly as possible, not every blog is a world-shaker. We are not going to be moved to tears with each and every thought and word thrown out there. That may sound cynical, but in every cynical observation there is a self-evident amount of truth. This is not strictly speaking a factual truth, although in certain cases it is. It's a truth though, one that nags and cajoles us. It forces itself upon us until we've distilled something past the point of enjoyment, and what we are left to swallow is one more bitter pill that has only been fortified by our own smugness.

For the sake of openmindedness, let's try to be a little less cynical when it comes to fapping and commenting on blogs. As members of one of the friendliest, gaming communities on the internet, there's a strong likelyhood that I am already preaching to the choir, but every choir could use new members, and nothing is more beautiful than adding additional voices to harmonize with a chorus. Sure, it's fun to run against the grain once and awhile, but even the most magnificent of bastards needs friends.

Don't miscontrue what I am saying here as a proposal for universal, unwarranted fapping, even though now that I think about it, the concept does seem pretty, darned amusing. Merely consider it an act of deliberate faith towards your fellow bloggers and the Destructoid community as a whole. We exist, and will continue to exist, as long as there is a vital interest in the community's work. Willingness to accept excellence outside of our comfort zones is practically a prerequisite in blogging. We might not see something in its fullest glory without first wearing our own weary-eyed, spam-hating blinders.

That sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it?

Well, it should.

Rome wasn't built in a day, and Destructoid can't give boners to the whole galaxy in five years alone. All great things take time and energy. Let's make something already great even better. Become an active creator of boners, rocker of boats, fapper of blogs, champion of gaming word-speak technology, and all that those things entail. You can do it. I can do it. Your mom can do it.

That's what I said.

That's what she said.

As lofty as all of this sounds, it really isn't. It's easy enough that I, a self-professed moron, can do it, and actually am doing it. (Self-high five? YES!) You can take a ten to fifteen minute glance yesterday's C-Blog Recaps or the sidebar that shows voted up C-Blogs on the mainpage to find some seriously, good reading.

I'm going to do it right now.

Here are three examples of quality blogs, some of which are great even though I don't necessarily agree with them or like the subject. They were all posted today nonetheless!

Are People Really Afraid of FUN? by Vincent Pavey


Aaamaazing: Finding Beauty in the ‘Storm by Sidother


Relatable Characters: Why I Love Vivi by bbain


By no means do I consider myself an expert in regard to taste or poignancy, those faps came on the wings of whim, like most inspiration does. Take flight yourself. What's worst that could happen? Maybe you could end up flying too close to sun and set yourself on fire. That's not so bad. Call me a sick, reprehensible ass, but there isn't anything funnier than self-immolation.

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About falsenippleone of us since 7:51 PM on 04.15.2010

I can't think of a good reason why I blog here, and honestly I think its only because I lack the self-control not to. In the past I have wasted way too much time socializing online simply because I liked the anonymity and all the stupid trolling that entailed.

Of course, this is a different place, you're all respectable people, and I am an adult who has grown into his three inch penis and the inferiority complex that accompanies it.

Hi, my name is J/Jordan/falsenipple, but you can call me whatever you like, or summarily ignore me if that better suits your fancy. I'm nearing on being old enough to be dead, from Chicago, and have been gaming since I was 6, which was awhile ago.

I have yet to mature since then, nor have I become skilled enough to beat Megaman 2, although it hasn't stopped me from soundly losing until I have won every other game.

None of the previously mentioned things actually mean much to me though. Frankly, as any good troll is, I am more interested in other people, which is why I don't talk about myself too often. I've got a mouthful of feet and a throat full of Achilles' heels. So making this introduction is more than awkward for me.

Most of the time I just stalk people around until they assume that I'm their friend, or a friend of their friend, who unassumingly has been shadowing the lot of them and pocketing scraps of their hair to make dolls out of.

Forget that you read that last bit. Also forget that I've ended multiple sentences with propositions. The devil made me do it.

I guess I should keep at whatever it is I am doing here.



1. Are you a gamer?

No, but I've passed the Turing Test, so I can't rightfully be called a game anymore.

2. What?

Just go with it.

3. Seriously?


4. Are you going to continue asking yourself questions in the third person?

I didn't ask for schizophrenia, but I'll sure as shit not be sassed by my own psychosis. NEXT QUESTION PLEASE~!

5. What games are you currently playing or would like to play in the future?

Battlefield 3, Dark Souls, Magic: The Gathering, Bioshock Infinite, and a bunch of other garbage. It's a lot easier just to stalk people online through their gamertag and psn tag than actually answer something like this.

You could look at mine (GT:OMGhotdogs, PSN:jsapper), but I don't exactly like most people enough to to game with them, let alone accept friend requests. I'm kind of a misanthrope, and spend most of my time mumbling to myself and hiding in dark places within online shooters hoping to ambush someone and steal their wallet and possibly ask them how punctuation works. You know, so I can type up readable things instead of things like this.

6. Are you alright?


7. Stop staring at me.

That's not a question.

8. You're not making this any easier.

Funnel Cake?