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Virtual Boy: 3D Gaming For Men


Only a few days ago, my awesome Virtual Boy arrived in the mail thanks to my friend who found it in Japan. I actually had one when I was a kid and they had just come out, but tossed it aside pretty quick after seeing a commercial for Kirby Super Star (which is still an awesome game). I missed my 3D face attachment, though, so I'm thrilled to have another one finally, even if it doesn't have a stand.

So, while all you losers are grooming your cats and spamming Hadokens on your 3DSes, I've been having a blast with the red and black wonder that is the Virtual Boy. Don't let the name fool you. They should have called this thing the Virtual Man. Mine came with Golf and Galactic Pinball, so I'm knocking all kinds of balls around in glorious 3D! I'm sure you pansy 3DS owners could only dream of playing with a manly pair of balls like I do every night rather than the lame monkey-filled ones of Super Monkey Ball. Better yet, I get to do it while laying face first on the floor like some kind of pampered royalty in one of those sex tables you find at massage parlors.

I also managed to dig my old copy of Teleroboxer out of my closet, which, sadly, does not involve balls, but instead three of my other favorite things: robots, boxing, and telecommunications. That's right. All three. In one tiny little cartridge. They even managed to pack it all into the title so you know exactly what you're getting into! I'm sure you 3DS owners are envious of that kind of candid entitling. I bet you didn't know what the hell was happening when you picked up Tom Clancy's Shadow Wars and it wasn't all first person shooter-y like you thought it would be.

Don't get me started on the pricing, either. I got my Virtual Boy system for $30 of pocket change while you dumb jerks forked out $250 for your shiny paperweight. And then you spent another $40 on some lame launch title like Pilotwings Resort that only lasts you as long as the battery in the system (which, by the way, is not very long)! My Virtual Boy has that beat in both respects: I can get some of the best titles on the system for only $30 and play for years with my AC adapter! And if I want to play on the go, I don't even need to dock it in some cheap charging station, I can just pop a handful of AA batteries in it and hit the road!

Now, I bet you're going to feed me some bullshit about the Virtual Boy being less portable than the 3DS. Well, I've got some news for you, Mr. 3DS (btw, the DS part stands for Douchebag Stupid). The Virtual Boy is every bit as portable as your dumb handheld with a little creativity. I know you babies like everything handed to you, so your video games are quick and easy to use right out of the box, but real men buy unintuitive technology and bend it to their will, just like I did with my now-portable Virtual Boy:

Choke on that. So goddamn portable that it'll make your eyes bleed the same color as the wonderful 3D you'll be enjoying as you walk down the street. Heads will turn. Small children will cry in envy and adults will toss their smartphones in disgust. Yeah. What up now? All you failures can pretend to enjoy your 3DSes while I endure more robust headaches than you could ever hope to experience on your baby toys. Headaches so deadly that Nintendo had to include an Automatic Pause feature (a feature I always turn off, mind you) so you wouldn't die playing. I bet that's why they discontinued it so quickly, because people of all ages were dying from brain explosions caused by Mario Clash. Nowadays, Nintendo is just too afraid of killing off its fanbase, so they scaled back the deadliness of the 3DS to a level that can only blind kids seven and under (who don't pay for their own video games anyway, so why should Nintendo care?). Blindness is for casuals. Hardcore gamers need their brains displaced.

In summary, Nintendo had it right with the Virtual Boy. Wicked red and black color scheme, monster headaches, and dual d-pads (that's right, who needs a touch screen? Or a slide pad? These are tools for the weak). All the ingredients required for a hardcore gaming machine. Just add your face and heat it at 450 degrees. Instant win. What do you get with the 3DS? The ability to put make a Mii jump out of your cat's butt? Fuck you, casual. Play a real man's handheld. A manheld.

The Nintendo Virtual Boy. Shit just got real. As real as it gets.
#3DS    #Community   
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About donkeyspacemanone of us since 10:49 PM on 12.05.2006

Gaming Info:
Gamertag: kaizokukitsune
SteamID: donkeyspaceman
Kongregate: tsunamikitsune
Raptr: noisetank
3DS Friend Code: 4811-6947-1994

Other Websites:
Virtually Competent on itch.io
donkeyspaceman on Twitter
Eric Neuhaus on Youtube

Notable Moments on Destructoid:
-I was a guest on everyone's favorite
unofficial community podcast, Failcast!
-One of my blogs hit the top 10
because Audiosurf is really fun to play while high!
-One of my blogs made it to the front page
because bear and bird are good at building!
-As of December 6, 2014, I've been a member of the best gaming community ever for eight years!
-I discussed review scores and why they suck with some of Destructoid's greatest!

Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII (PSP)
Kirby Super Star Ultra (DS)
Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts (360)
Child of Eden (360)
Rhythm Thief & The Emperor's Treasure (3DS)

XBLA Games That Deserve Some Lovin':
Volume 1: The first of many
Volume 2: I'm a sucker for a sale
Volume 3: Free is such a bittersweet word
Volume 4: No skimming zone
Volume 5: Shooter heaven
Volume 6: More fun than a barrel of unfun games
Volume 7: Now you're thinking with grappling arms
Volume 8: Super Hyper Ultra HD Remix Deluxe
Volume 9: I swear I will write more if someone shows interest

Currently Playing (until the end of time):
-Spelunky HD (PC)

Favorite Games of All Time:
-Animal Crossing (GCN)
-Banjo-Kazooie (N64)
-Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts (X360)
-Bubble Bobble (NES)
-Burnout Paradise (360)
-Burnout Revenge (360)
-Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (PS1)
-Cave Story (PC)
-Chocobo's Dungeon 2 (PS1)
-Dead Rising (360)
-Diddy Kong Racing (N64)
-Doom RPG (Cell)
-Dragon Quest Heroes: Rocket Slime (DS)
-Earthbound (SNES)
-Elite Beat Agents (DS)
-Excite Truck (Wii)
-Fantasy Zone (TG-16)
-Gex 2: Enter the Gecko (PS1)
-Gitaroo Man (PS2)
-God Hand (PS2)
-Grim Fandango (PC)
-Harvest Moon: Back to Nature (PS1)
-Ikaruga (DC/XBLA)
-Infiniminer (PC)
-Jet Grind Radio (DC)
-Jet Set Radio Future (Xbox)
-Jump Ultimate Stars (DS)
-Katamari Damacy (PS2)
-Kid Icarus: Uprising (3DS)
-Kirby's Adventure (NES)
-Kirby Air Ride (GCN)
-Kirby Canvas Curse (DS)
-Kirby Super Star (SNES)
-The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask (N64)
-Luigi's Mansion (GCN)
-Mario Kart DS (DS)
-Mega Man Battle Network 3 (GBA)
-Mega Man Legends (PS1)
-Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance (PS2)
-Meteos (DS)
-Minecraft (PC)
-Mother 3 (GBA)
-N+ (XBLA)
-The Neverhood (PC)
-No One Can Stop Mr. Domino (PS1)
-Paper Mario (N64)
-PaRappa the Rapper (PS1)
-Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (DS)
-Pokemon Puzzle Challenge (GBC)
-Pokemon Snap (N64)
-Portal 1/2 (PC)
-Psychonauts (Xbox)
-Putt-Putt Goes to the Moon (3DO)
-Resident Evil 4 (GCN)
-Rez (DC)
-Rock Band 1/2/3 (360)
-Sam & Max Hit The Road (PC)
-The Simpsons Game (360)
-Snatcher (Sega CD)
-Sonic Generations (360)
-Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (Genesis)
-Spelunky HD (XBLA/PC)
-Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island (SNES)
-Super Metroid (SNES)
-ToeJam & Earl (Genesis)
-Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 (PS1)
-WarioWare: Touched! (DS)
-WarioWare: Twisted! (GBA)
-WarioWare Inc.: Mega Party Game$ (GCN)
-The World Ends With You (DS)

My Rock Band 2 Info (thanks, Cutie Honey!):

My childhood hero, unleashed:

My childhood hero, riding a donkey (thanks, GAMEGOBLIN!):
Xbox LIVE:kaizokukitsune
Steam ID:tsunamikitsune
Mii code:7349-7505-8502-0053
3DS Code:4811-6947-1994


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