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LONG BLOG

Shoot the Breeze: Beyamornings?

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Burn. Bro. Man up. Fratboy slang makes me giggle. I love it. It's like it's the skanky girl at the party checking out my tribal tattoos and bafflingly angeled hat because she's had too many Growers Ciders and too little love from her dad. That said, legit, the latest colloquial miscarriage, is an offense to everything beautiful in the world. It's such a vulgar piece of verbiage that I can't help but recoil. My stomach churns. It is my kyptonite - or are the kids saying krypt these days?

Yo, bro, man up and make out with Tad, no homo. It'd be a legit burn.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living out a silent film-era comedy, only someone forgot to splice in the title cards, so all everybody sees is the meaningless calamity without any sort of context. Every week, you get to sit in on the screening of another scene and it's anyone's guess whether they're laughing or screaming. So, don your old timey hats and wiggle your Chapliney mustaches, we've got a show to put on.

Iíd Effect Your Mass



I started another Mass Effect 2 playthough the other day. Don't feel much like playing the game, I just want to talk to people. Which sounds much more pathetic than it is. Really. Now, that's not to say Iím not enjoying my space-faring adventure, but I picked up the controller to enjoy the intergalactic drama. Guess we know who the stars of this soap opera are, huh?

See, itís a joke, because of the burning balls of gas.

I hate my Shepard's eyebrows. I'm a few hours in and I'm considering restarting to change them alone. Never really appreciated how important those bushy windshield wipers were before. And gosh, bleach blonde is not a good hair colour. My galaxy's hero looks a lot like Carrie Underwood or, in the right lighting, the feminine Hanson brother back when he was pretty. I'm pretty sure I unthinkingly based her face on someone, but for the life of me I can't - oh, for heavenís sake, I just got it Ė my Shepard is inspired by Charlize Theron circa Arrested Development.

She is going to try to walk through space.

I donít know why I insist on running through with the XX-chromosome edition of Shepard. Maybe itís because Jennifer Hale is the scientifically superior voice actor. Maybe itís something more repressed. Come to think of it, I never have put up much of a fight when asked to wear womanís clothing Ė no, listen, itís comfortable, thereís nothing off about that. Anyway, Iíve never bothered to go after the romance achievement, so Iíve got a tough decision coming up. Which of the blood-soaked star murderers am I going to give my flower to? At this point, Iím fairly sure Iím going to let Garus sweep me off my feet, but Iíll be thinking of someone else the whole time.

Also, Iím pretty positive Shepard exclaims with a manís voice now and again. Gender roles are confusing.

And of course I have to flirt with Kelly, the secretary. Itís not a male fantasy deal or anything like that. Itís more that sheís about the only ďnormalĒ person in the entire universe. Sheís not a spiritual assassin or a neuroticall psychopath or anything. Sheís a normal, down-to-earth lady, more or less a college psych student with a thing for aliens. I can respect that.

Stepping back a few paragraph, it is sincerely a delight to throw a few words back and forth with the crew. I love Ďem, I do. Mordin, Thane, the whole gang. Itís like palling up with Scooby Doo and the mystery bunch, except Scooby is a monstrous turtle-frog psychotic, which, given that both solve most of their problems by ripping faces off, is pretty appropriate.

Like I said, itís a pleasure. Iíve played all of, what, two games this year, but I think this oneís my pick for the oh-so-trivial Game of the Foreververse: 2010 Edition. Combatís kind of a slog, but fun enough. Beyond that though, Iím fantastically involved in the world and thatís a real treat. Not even the narrative. I mean, the gameís storyline is basically, ďbecome the most popular kid in space school; hate-blast everyone else with knockoff Star Wars magic.Ē Itís simply the catís pyjamas to Ė wait for it Ė shoot the breeze and thatís good enough for me.

Closing Up Shop



Thundercats, complete with mildly offensive but totally bodacious maiden warriors. Good Saturday night. By the way, is the Thundercatsí treatment of the mutants thinly veiled racism or is that just me?

Also, commando team of sharkticons. God damn do I love these cartoons. You know in the movies when the hero reaches inside himself to find the strength and courage to save the day? Thatís why the fate of the world could never be put in my hands. When I search inside me, all I is find Transformers and guys named Snowjob.

Alright, just a few points of order before we wrap up. And the first is going to make me out to be a real dick, so hold on tight. Not, to, uh, me, obviously. That'd be uncomfortable for everyone, especially with the dickishness. But, I mean, if youíre the kind of fella who likes holding on to Ė well, whoím I to judge, right?

Eep.

A few days ago, the community got rocked by a certain Sonic-loving fox. Now, that sort of thing happens, and on the whole, whatevs, but Iíve got a few words weighing me down. While the response was not without its charm Ė who doesnít believe in Occams? Ė it left me much embittered.

Look, I internet here because the folks have got a, I donít know, a decency to Ďem, and reading through the comments on those blogs, I saw none of that. The minute you scream, ďGTFO,Ē you lose what makes you special. Iím not your mom, itís not my place to tell you what to do, but whenever you pound something out on that keyboard of yours, Iíd encourage you to take a look at it and decide whether itís something you really want to say.

I donít know, what I saw there, that loss of something Ė dignity, maybe Ė it hurt. Iím not mad or any such thing, just disappointed. But anyway, thatís all Iíve got to say there.

Besides which, in a week, the goldfish brain in my indelicately shaped skull wonít remember a bit of this.

Hey, before we move on, can anybody explain why Sonic became the furry (ahtnropomorphophile?) messiah? Why not, like, Crash Bandicoot or Jazz Jackrabbit? Man, Iíd get it on with Jazz Jackrabbit. Iíd do it for the carrot euphemisms alone.

So, the good news. I think weíre going on hiatus for a couple weeks, at least as far as this laughable Shoot the Breeze dance goes. Between Christmas and starting the next term, I got stuff to get done. Still, kind of hoping to put out a monthly musing or a holiday blog or something. Anyway, just a heads up there.

Try not to miss me, baby.
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About Beyamorone of us since 1:10 PM on 06.24.2009

Iím a gamer. Take a minute and get over that shock. I can say Iím an Xbox man, though Iíll support anything that advances gaming (I love you Sackboy). Iíve also got a DS Chunky, so I can take this whole nerd thing on the road.

As far as genres, shooters and western RPGs top my list. Halo, Fable, and Morrowind, for instance, rock my socks hard. Of course other things, stuff like Animal Crossing and Kingdom Hearts, do their share of stocking rocking.

In the world outside of buttons and pixels, Iím an engineering student (that nerd thing I mentioned? I do it hardcore) on the west coast of the Great White North. Iím a fan of a harder rock, bands like Breaking Benjamin and Hurt, though Iíll kick it (very much figuratively) to stuff ranging from The Fray through Franz Ferdinand to Five Finger Death Punch. Optimus Prime is my hero, but I do love Starscream. Finally, thumbs up to you for reading this. Youíre never getting that time back.


Kirbey by the talented and generously endowed (probably) Enkido