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One Last PAX-Blog: A Destructoid Fanfiction in 7 Parts

PAX happened. Some of you saw me there, some of you didn't. But this blog isn't about me, it's about 3 mighty heroes who braved the dangers of a world devoid of compassion to make it all the way to Seattle in order to save PAX for the rest of us. This is their story, this is everyone's story. Also, it's poorly written.

Part 1

It all started with the call. Early one morning our heroes were all called up
"Usedtabe the Strong, Manic Maverick the Sly, and LawofThermalDynamics the Wise we need you. PAX is in trouble. It is at PAX in which the devious Professor Normal will strike and ruin things for everyone. He has created a ray that will take from everyone that which they hold most dear. Their individuality. Also, Cocks"

The heroes nodded in silent agreement, they knew what they had to do.

"Alright Mr. Destructoid we will do it. For the good of all of us."

"Good to hear boys. There are several other operatives that will be working with you.You will know them when you see them. We've also got a staging area for you at a nearby university. The mission begins at 8am tomorrow you will receive more information then."

The screen clicked off and the heroes were left in the room to collect themselves and begin to think about the task ahead of them.

Part 2
The university wasn't a terribly inviting place. It was taken over by all sorts of evil creatures, but they didn't really bother anyone. The crew established a camp for the night tucked away in an abandoned corner of the basement on top of some old furniture they found. It is also important to note that they had to use public restrooms. It was disgusting, as if thousands of asses were pressed up against theirs every time they went to shit. The next morning came earlier than most would have expected as it was important that the operatives could witness the keynote. Unfortunately the line was long.


This meant the boys got to meet some local color. The local color was killed after 20 minutes. Seattle natives are crazy. After 2 hours of standing around the keynote started. Not much happened except for Warren Spector telling everyone to be nice to casuals. This made UsedTabe rip some children in half. Goddamn kids.

Part 3

The show floor was next up on the day's agenda of ass-whoopery and nobody was safe. As the boys descended upon the expo hall like Edward on Bella (slowly and terribly written) they noticed something was amiss. Everyone was merely shuffling.

"This has to be the work of that nefarious time wizard Professor Normal" Thermal Dynamics exclaimed as he put 2 and 2 together.

Manic Maverick growled "We need to work fast."

Some punches were thrown, but the hordes of the PAX-goers never let up.

LawofThermalDynamics was deterred "We need some backup before we attempt this."

Usedtabe was fatigued from all of his rapid-fire flash kicks "We need an army."

After a hasty retreat down a poorly lit hallway a voice came out of the darkness.

"Goddammit guys something bad is going on out there, this is looking worse than my ninth Far Cry 2 Permadeath run."

The voice had a familiar pretentious ring to it. The voice started growing louder and louder as it was joined by a few others: "Anthony come on, things are going to be ok, nothing bad can happen while I'm around. Besides we've got your dad here.

"Whoa whoa whoa, don't bring me into this. As soon as I get a chance I'm getting out of here and getting my ass over to a Fuddruckers." The last voice sounded simultaneously apathetic and displeased.

Part 4

Having realized who was on the other side of the doors at the end of the hallway our nerdy version of the A-team burst into the room. Unfortunately Papa Burch was surprised and punched everyone in the face. Especially Manic Maverick.

Usedtabe was the first to break the silence, "Guys, something is going on and we need your help. We need to break the mind control that is turning all of the people into zombies"

"That we can do, we've got some people who can help" Anthony said through his beard. "But we're going to need a dolphin and some copies of Deadly Premonition to lure them out." What followed could only be described as the most magical occurrence to have ever occurred: a montage inside another montage. The double montage (what does it mean?) included all sorts of events crucial to the story, so I will list them here: Breaking and entering, stealing a dolphin, concealing a dolphin in LawofThermalDynamics' pants, a coffee break, punching some meat and running up some steps, and finally a simple trip to the game store. The crew eventually found themselves outside of the convention center summoning the warriors they hoped would aid them in their battle. Anthony said some words that nobody recognized (they must have been indie as hell) and a giant beam of light shown forth from the ground giving life to:

Special agent and TPL James Tiberius Sterling

and Chad "I don't usually wear this many shirts but that's awesome" Concelmo.

Part 5
Manic Maverick gave the newly-summoned members of Team Awesome a moment to collect themselves before asking "Alright guys, there are too damn many people in there not having the time of their lives and we need to stop that, we need an army."

"I know of one" Chad said.
"And I know just how to get them all here." Jim said as he began to stand in a funny pose. "I just need to sacrifice a ps3. Fortunately I have on right here in my backpack."

As Jim let forth a long string of game titles followed by the number 4 people started to show up in droves yelling at the Jimster only to be caught in amazement when Chad removed his shirt.
"Alright guys, we've got the army." Jim smirked "The Destructoid Army."

Part 6
The army was perfect. It moved as one, thought as one, believed as one, and loved as one. They were a family. Nothing could stop this fighting force as they descended upon the convention center. As everyone spread out they managed to find the source of all of the evil inside.

Unfortunately it was hidden behind a 2 hour long line. So the army waited. It took forever but they finally got inside. Inside was a large machine broadcasting its evil signal to the world. Breaking the fuck out of the machine didn't take long. In fact the army rearranged the parts into a statue of Mr. Destructoid.

Part 7- The Aftermath

"Professor Normal isn't here guys, we have no leads. It's safe to say this round was a draw." Usedtabe was displeased.

"It's ok, maybe he will be stupid enough to try something at PAX East or PAX Prime next year." Manic Maverick sighed.

LawofThermalDynamics was the last to speak,"Come on guys, lets just go enjoy the rest of PAX. You know, that thing that we just saved."

And our heroes looked out upon the people they had helped to save.

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About Spencer Hayesone of us since 6:18 PM on 03.10.2010

Nobody really knows what Spencer does. Technically some sort of Community Manager Spencer has also been known to stand in front of cameras and talk to people. Additionally, he's a hot hunk o' man.

Aside from these studly endeavors, Spencer loves indie games in a way that would make most people blush and has played more hours of Pokemon than any one person should.

Apparently ethics statements are a thing we're doing now so I guess I have to put that here:

I'm friends with several indie developers and I worked at Gamestop at one point in my life. I really love hotdogs.

I'm pretty sure those are the only biases I could think to air.
Xbox LIVE:Optimist Crime
PSN ID:TheCrimeMinister
Steam ID:CrimeMinister


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