If there's one thing I've learned while getting ready to move out, it's that I'm a massive hoarder. I don't know how it happened, but apparently ever since I was a wee lad I've been keeping every single goddamn piece of marginally important paperwork. Most of it is utterly mundane (high school US History AP notes? Microbiology lab notebooks from college? YAWN), but there's been a couple pieces of faded, crumpled up GOLD. Perhaps the most shining example of that is this ancient tome:
It's some sort of art journal I completed sometime in kindergarten or first grade, and within it contains lost pieces of art so exquisite they make the Sistine Chapel look like a gigantic harlequin baby threw up all over a church.
From what I pieced together using high-tech electro-carbon-neuronal-ultra-dating (aka my brain memories), I was commissioned to draw an abstract piece and write an accompanying caption for it weekly for two months or so. I don't know how long exactly the world's been deprived of such revolutionary art, and I realize they're probably worth millions, perhaps even BILLIONS, of Zenny to some creepy looking children's "art" collector, but I'm going to do a favor to the world and reveal them here, exclusively, for the first time in nearly 20 years.
Sorry Bruddah, candy is tempting, but no arts for you
So let's get started with the first piece.
Mentally Challenged Yellow Person & Mercury Poisoned Pac-Man Fish Caption: "The boy is standing on the rock and The fish is looking for food and the boy is playing hopscotch"
Even as an inaugural piece, my brilliance was clearly evident, as at first glance there don't seem to be any cogent ideas behind the drawing or the literature as separate entities. Taken as one piece of art though, they immediately compliment each other and serve to drive each other's narrative. First off, the boy is standing on "the rock", which looks to be completely unstable, and he's playing hopscotch on it, while at the very same time the fish is looking for food by floating to the surface and peering into the sky, where it most certainly will die. Sounds completely batshit insane, until you realize the things that weren't
drawn or written. It's apparent then that the boy is some sort of autistic, perhaps even mentally retarded, and the fish has obviously ingested so much mercury that it's been poisoned to the point of dementia and vertigo. Then, a terrible thought leaps into one's head: Was it the heavy ingestion of such mercury-saturated fish that caused the boy to turn out so horribly wrong, or was it the act of throwing mercury thermometers at the fish by the fucked up child (who collects thermometers, presumably), that caused the mental degradation of the fish?
Even as a kid, I was breaking down the walls of social convenience and ignorance.
Cricket Ninja'd by Spider Disguised as Sun Caption: "once upon a time the cricket and the spider were fighting but the cricket got stuck on the spiderweb"
So the cricket just barges into the spider's home and tries to pick a fight with it, but is too dumb to realize the spider is badly disguised as an oval sun behind him, until it's too late. Classic David and Goliath story, except how it would happen in real life.
A Perfect World Caption: "one day there was a city called Missile city and there was a people named Mr Missile and he got a B"
This is a city full of living missiles
as inhabitants, and yet they are at peace due to some higher power handing out random letter grades for nothing.
Moral of the story: Keep a society happy with arbitrary praise, and they shall not impose their destructive power on anyone.
NOT to be confused with "Smack a bitch in her tits, tell her wassup".
The Democratic People's Republic of Hallowe'en: A Series Caption: "one haunted night there was ghost and goblin and they were doing tricks and they were silly ghost" Caption: "one night at the cemet ary there was lightning and it struck one ceme tary place." Caption: "Yesterday night when I went trick-or-treat I got lots of candy and I ate one candy"
A shocking series of pictures depicting a dystopian Hallowe'en world run by a fascist government. Note the stark contrast between these pieces and A Perfect World
. There exist such horrors as a population of apparently only one ghost and one goblin, both of whom must make a living "doing tricks" and role-playing as "silly ghost" for their richest clients; a cemetary in which even the dead cannot rest peacefully, thanks to sudden lightning storms that strike specific "places" in the cemetary; and a horrifying method of tithing wherein child labor is used to strongarm the community into paying their taxes with an archaic currency nicknamed "candy", with only a fraction
of that given to the children for their time.
The only thing more terrifying would be if M. Knight Shyamalan got a hold of the rights to adapt this into a movie.
Blue Collar Robot Gone Wild Caption: "once far far away in Roboland when one work robot was turned into a Roboinsect then he destroyed the world"
My first foray into science fiction. Sounds very much like a futuristic version of Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle", with concepts from Asimov's "I, Robot" interspersed within.
No happy ending though, as even as a child the inevitability of death and oblivion was very very real.
In Which I Learn Humility Caption: "last time when I went Big Bear my feet went in the snow and we went home"
For those not in the know, Big Bear is one of the more popular destinations that Southern Californians trek to whenever they want to ski and/or snowboard. Just an hour or so away, it's an extremely convenient way to experience a climate that is by all accounts rare in a place like SoCal.
According to the realistic landscape sketching (yes, it's a drawing, not a scenic photograph), I made my way to the apex of said mountain range, only for my feet to sink into the snow and become soaked in a matter of moments. With my tail between my legs, I solemnly made my way back down the mountainside and back home. That day, I learned that you might be the king of the hill, but you'll always have something to knock you down a few pegs. Treasure what you have, as nothing lasts forever.
Aesop ain't got shit on me.
Food, or Foe? Caption: "from another planet a giant bug burger came to earth and destroyed the world"
Sounds like more giant monster shallow crap, until you really think about it and realize it's not some children's tale; it's actually a prophecy come true. Where have we seen something that looks vaguely like a delicious delicacy, and tastes like such, but has no remote resemblance to anything on earth, and is slowly killing the world without any indication of stopping anytime soon?
That was the sound of your mind being blown.
Bye Bye Candle Caption: "The house is on fire and the candle couldn't get out and he melted."
The most morbid piece in this collection. An allusion to being a victim of your own circumstances, and accepting the consequences of such when the time comes.
Basically, life's a bitch and then you die.
The Secret Caption: "once in TV I saw a huge swamp monster! and he was going to destroy world but the king told the monster something"
Perhaps my proudest piece, if only for the endless discussion and philosophical ramifications of the open ended conclusion. What could the king have told the monster to save the world? Did he even save the world, or merely postpone its demise? What insecurities could the monster have harbored that he would've stopped destruction because of something a human king said? Was it even a real king? Was it even a real monster, for that matter? Was the king schizophrenic, and the monster was his angry alter ego?
And perhaps the most burning question: Where the fuck did I see this from? Seriously, does anyone know? I would love to find out what the king really says.
...And More Giant Monsters Caption: "Once a building turned into a building monster and it smashed the cars down the street."
After so many instances of monsters destroying worlds in this collection, it's refreshing to see a monster that simply smashes cars on adjacent streets. In fact, you almost have to wonder why the building monster didn't attempt to destroy the world.
...Uh, What? Caption: "One day a turtle and a sting ray were flying by when a ghost came by and he scared em."
Both brandishing parachutes, an orange stingray and a green turtle wearing booties fly over large shark teeth, only to get scared by a ghost having a period.
It's obviously a parable for Communism.
Well, that was the end of it. I hope one day your grandkids are lucky enough to hear the tale of the most beautiful art you'd ever seen, and how, of all places, it was found on a video game website for nerds.
LOOK WHO CAME: