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Sympathy for the devil: A few words for the oppressed fanboy race...


Much like being a gangsta, or being Mexican, it’s a hard life to lead being a fanboy. Spreading the truth when few want to hear it, preaching the gospel when so many intolerant and angry people want to silence you. As you walk the earth, your fellow gamers sinning in fornication with evil consoles that will only bring them grief and pain, you often ask yourself is it worth it? Is man even worthy of your strong back with which to hold the weight of all their sins upon? How can one such as you be asked to bear the pains of martyrism? Why? But whenever you entertain the thought of foregoing your burden fantasies of a true pure gaming world come into your eyes. Where the sins of the box which has poisoned your gaming world are washed away. With an eyeful of tears and a heavy heart in your chest you continue your journey.

I understand your pain. I see the suffering of fanboys all day long. The boy on the street being mocked for buying a PSP instead of a DS. The frustration of men when ignorant people just don’t “get” the innovations of the Move. When will they learn it’s not a blatant Wii rip-off? Isn’t it obvious Sony had this planned all along? Perhaps to you and I but never to them. And so I write this today to bring to light your suffering for the better of gaming.

The fanboy is an oppressed race. Sometimes they are even forced into something of a digital nomadic life. Roaming from one forum/blog to the next. At the first sign of truth, a truth like how the PlayStation promotes homosexuality (Do we really need further proof than the Move after all?), the fanboy is swiftly silenced by the oppressive higher ups. There is little solace for the oppressed fanboy. How else will those fools realize that Nintendo makes the same games over and over? Ratchet & Clank, Final Fantasy, Killzone, now there’s some overlooked originality.

And these fools, oppressive and many, who wish to silence your reign of truth, call themselves the “master race.” You know who else called themselves that? That’s right, Nazi’s! When you look into their grimacing eyes, and you read the hate fueled drivel that spews from their minds, you know the true dangers of the sinful act of mutliplatformism. We have men who own glorious 360’s but bypass them for the black Asian devilboxes known as the PlayStation 3. Women with perfectly adept, sturdy, dare I say majestic, PCs but waste their time playing vile poisons of the industry like Farmville. And even worse? These are the same women who will leave these prime angelic machines of righteousness to play games like Dragon Age on their inferior and putrid 360s. What!? But it’s better on PC because of mods! Some will say the game should come playable and enjoyable out of the box but what do they know? They are lesser men. You, oh oppressed fanboy, are the right one. All the time.

Fanboys are oppressed and taunted with the myth of “opinions.” Opinions? Well while looking for a quote on opinions I found this:

And I think that can pretty much sum up how “valid” the opinion of one these fornicating multiplatformers really is. Who can trust a mind that has already been tainted by the disgusting and unholy act of multiplatformerism? Just as fish shit in water the mind of the multiplatformer is laden with the shit of an open mind. With no personal agenda who knows what nonsense can spew from their minds? Wii is better than PS3? Killzone is better than Halo? Some have even said these console wars are pointless and we should “Just like get along, man.” These free thinking hippies of gaming are nothing but filth. They are vermin who must be saved by the glory and holiness of your respective fanboyism.

So do not fret fanboys. I know your walk seems tired, your soul seems tried, and your mission seems hard. They will say ignorant things. They’ll question the validity of your opinion of Halo when you don’t own an Xbox. They’ll ignore the cold hard facts like 9.6 is more than 9.7. Hell, they’ll even ask you how you can be a fanboy and then turn around and be enraged at bias. It’s not that you have a bias, it’s that you know the truth. Truth is fact, undeniable and without argument. And the truth is [insert convenient truth here].

Now take this bread, take this water, and continue your journey, oh wanderer.

Oh who am I you ask? Well, it’s funny really. I was one of you. Yes, I was. I was a fanboy, one of the purest and strongest of them all. But then I was dealt with a devastating blow, drawn in by the lust of a she-devil who gripped onto me and wouldn’t let me go until I submit. And when my strength finally waned I did and I have not been able to return since. Who was she? Her name, three letters long, and as potent as a venomous serpent, still rings in me today. It sickens me to say she guides my life, directs my every move, and even disgustingly holds over the games I play. No longer do I seek innovation, or originality, as a true gamer should. Are you ready to hear the name of the she-devil?

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About Xzyliacone of us since 1:14 PM on 06.13.2007














Why everyone should at least lurk on the DToid forums.

I Review Them In Stereo:
Joanna Newsom's Have One On Me
Two Door Cinema Club's Tourist History
Tunng's ...And Then We Saw Land

Things people say I like:

I can't fully enjoy the PS3 without an ample supply of hookers and blow. How does that figure into your Reaganomics? - MegaStryker

I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see. - Alice from Alice in Wonderland; the greatest book ever written

Best thing about those cards are how bad the pun/product writing is. "I only have Snake Eyes for you." "You've Duke'd it out with my heart and now I'm yours to command." "I have a Cobra Commander in my pants." - sheppy

How to read a review without being pissed off:
1. Decide prematurely whether the game is balls, or the second coming of flying spaghetti monster.
2. Go to www.metacritic.com and search for the game.
3. If flying spaghetti monster, click on first link. If balls, scroll to the end and click on the last link.
4. You should now be sitting and staring at a review you agree with.
5. Complement reviewer on such a well thought out and non biased review.

That's because WWI was a pretty low-budget project, it was mostly about the story of soldiers in trenches and lay-low tactics, the sequel WWII, was really the bomb, with millions of dollars invested on it and top notch action sequences. - adrianboy

I think booze is a pretty cool guy. eh keeps me from doing the recaps on time and doesn't afraid of anything. - Pendleton21

Everyone else tolerates it because you're an attractive woman, I find that quite shallow. - Mousse420

*NOTE: I like that quote because at least I know if everyone is going to assume I'm female at least I'm attractive. Call me.

I was able to cause my child to fall into a well of depression after shattering his tailbone by horribly failing the see-saw QTE at the park three times in a row. Then I tried to cheer him up by buying him candy, but picked the one flavor he didn't like. It was like reliving my own childhood.


- SuitcoatAvenger -

Xzyliac: @punisher898 Score! I wonder if Cyndi Lauper and Lady GaGa hang out together. #ponders
punisher898 (aka Occams Electric Toothbrush): @Xzyliac: I bet if they do its like the best Folger's coffee commercial ever.

That's awesome. Hollywood writers are the best! I had one make me an iced latte the other day. It was totally adequate!

Uno just brings out the animals in all of us. It's just too sexy of a game.

Xzyliac, shut up, you\'re not cool.
-Fear No Darkness

*NOTE: I would like to note that later on I explained myself to Fear No Darkness and he totally sent me an apologetic PM. He's a classy fella whom I'd love to share a drink with sometime.

If you've never had promiscuous thoughts about a Dreamcast then you're not a gamer.
Xbox LIVE:Xzyliac
Steam ID:Xzyliac
Mii code:6357-9967-6745-0063


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