[Disclaimer: This blog does not represent the views or opinions of Enkido as he exists in a sane state and he cannot be held responsible for the content expressed in this article. For real, we need to talk. Also, cocks.]
Now that the explanation of the title is out of the way, we can get to some real discussion.
Listen, I know these kinds of talks are never easy, but just hear me out. I don't think I can keep doing this anymore. The passion is gone, there isn't any love anymore. It's not you, it's me. I mean you are a great game. Hell, your a great franchise. You are one of, if not, the greatest first person shooters on the market for any system, console, PC, or otherwise. We had some good times, some great times, but the magic is just gone. I'm sorry Halo, but I can't keep going on like this, I have to end it. There are others out there who would give anything to have you, my friend Nick would shower you with hours and hours of playtime that you deserve to have, go to them and be happy with them. Forget about me, but before you do, just give me one thing, remember the good times with me, one last time.
It started out innocently enough. I was young, foolish, and had nothing to lose. I had the original XBox and enjoyed it greatly. Eventually, you were introduced to me by a friend, and I was stricken by your charms. I would sneak over in the late hours of the night to be with you. You made me feel invincible (I did play as a 8 ft. tall super soldier that could flip a tank with one hand after all). I wanted to have you for my own, but alas you wore the indications of a class I was not a part of, an M rating. My parents would not allow it. I professed to them your virtue, your true nature, but nay, they would have none of it. Our affair would have to wait.
I knew not how long it would be before you would be mine. I waited years, and would only see you occasionally, but every moment was cherished. Some time went by with neither contact nor mention of you. Then, as if whispered by the shadows of every corner, rumors of your return and a possible reunion reached my ears. The whispers proved to do no justice to what you had become. It was as if you had become a different game. You had matured, a diamond polished to perfection, your beauty setting a new standard which other games would seek to emulate. I knew that I had to have you, and naught would halt my desires. The day you were within my reach you were mine. O, what joyous times, O, what fond memories. Visiting the beaches of Zanzibar, the plains and cliffs of Coagulation, scaling the heights of your Ivory Tower, all memories I look back upon fondly. We had our moments of disagreement, our occasional separations, there were other games, but I would always return to you, and I though I always would. These were the best of our times.
I did not remain complacent however. I was smitten, I wanted to know more about you, I wanted to know your story, every last detail. You promised to deliver, and then some. You had only one condition, the XBox 360. To me, it remained a non-issue, I would have given anything to have you, and with this condition met you were mine all over again. It was clear that your aim was to please me. You had become yet more pleasing to my eye, and you offered even more features and locales. I was finally able to learn the entirety of your story. It could get no better.
I did not know it yet but this was the problem. It started small, I couldn't place it but something was different. Your gameplay was still enjoyable, and you were really cool with my friends, but something was bothering me. You had changed, and it was no doubt for the better, but for some reason I was finding little imperfections. These were not really your fault, but I could not help but take notice. I couldn't help but think that even though you had more to your story, that I had learned everything that I wanted about you. All the mystery had disappeared, and what I thought I wanted ultimately began our falling out. It was around two months later that I had my first real affair.
There was another game, a shooter like yourself, from a franchise that I was not very familiar with but had a high pedigree attached to it. The game was Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. The game looked great, offered a breath of fresh air grounded in gritty realism with an impactful story. All my friends seemed to like it. I left you to play this new game and never really looked back. I would like to say that I had my regrets and there were times where I thought of you, or you would come up in conversation, but I am sorry to say that you were largely forgotten.
I didn't hear from you for a long time. It is understandable as I did really leave you without warning or explanation. Eventually, however, I began to hear things about you again. I heard that you had changed, and in a big way. You were going RTS. I was flattered that you would go to such extremes to try and win me back. Unfortunately, the change was too great for me, I could never see you as anything other than an FPS. I caught glimpses of you during this time, but there was never any interaction.
More games came and went. I got a PS3 in order to meet with an old flame in the Metal Gear Solid series. The system I got as a prerequisite for you let me down and it seemed to be the final nail in the coffin. I heard that you were again making a return, and that you had gone back to the FPS genre. I knew that you were trying and I really appreciated it, but it was too little too late. At this point I had lost all interest.
So now here we are today. You are still a great game, a solid shooter, a staple in competitive gaming, but one thing you are not is my game. Not anymore, and most likely never again. I hear that you will be visiting again soon, that invitations are already being sent. I ask that you hold mine, that you forget about me, move on to those who will appreciate you. Please, do not Reach for me, for it is in vain. I'm sorry, but Halo, it's over.
Well, that was a lot of melodrama, glad that's over. I feel that it's missing something though, maybe some innuendo. Hows this, I will miss handling your big sniper rifles, sending white streams across the screen into the faces of other players. Yeah, that should do it.
LOOK WHO CAME: