Everyone knows and wants to know that Pokemon is 100% REAL LIFE
People like President Barack Obama and Mayor Mike Haggar were famously know as Pokemon masters before they headed off into their political careers. But, that's a story for another day.
What I have here is the world's only known document, simply known as "Pets", that proves
once and FOR ALL, that Pokemonz are 4REALz
. And we all know that one book can change
the course of human kind.
Summary from the back of the book:
“Pets” is about a boy living in an alternative future where the world has just recovered from a world war fought on animal rights. Humans are now considered to be the “superior” species of the planet, while the other animal species are inferior. The government had begun a program where young children are trained to be generals of an army of animals. These “pets” are animal subordinates of the child and are used in against other generals.
It is the distant future, the year 2000. The world is very different. Ever since the extermination of the PETA nation of the early 90’s, there have been many changes. One notable change is that there are no “salads”. “Salads” are the food of those communist animal lovers. “Salads” have been replaced by the meat-friendly “malads”, an all meat dish served with milk dressing. Salads were banned by the world because vegetables are used to celebrate the day when the world had defeated the PETA menace. Most importantly, the biggest change was that there are no more animal sympathizers. No more vegetarians to burden us carnivores. Yes, carnivorous humans are the supreme species of this planet.
Every ten year old child begins their journey to become an adult when they are given their first “pet” as a birthday present. “Pets” are animals trained to be subordinates of their child master. The concept of “pets” was created by our leader, the Great Maurice. Maurice, the general of the Meat Alliance in World War III, developed a strategy to defeat the PETA nation. Maurice trained his army to use animals to destroy those meat haters. The pets defeated PETA and helped prevent a biochemical terrorist attack on the Meat Alliance’s supply of food. After the end of WWIII, the Meat Alliance broke up into four nations. Maurice became the president of one of the nations, the Carnivore Union. As our leader, Maurice passed the Pet Child Initiative Act of ’96. The Act created a law where every child of the age of ten is given a pet to start the child’s training for the CU army. The goal of the pet bill was to build up our nation’s army in preparation of a pet attack from one of the enemy nations.
It has been a couple of years since I received my first pet. My first pet was one of the Panda species. Pandas are vile creatures, so tough to train. I had to inflict the harshest punishment in order for it to obey me. I remembered the first time I saw that pet. Its bubbly eyes show signs of love. It gave me a huge panda hug when I first approached it. I knew I had to kill its growing fondness for me. A master cannot love his pet. The pet cannot have a secure attachment for its master. Love is weakness. Security is weakness. I knew if I had to create a strong pet army, I had to prevent the animals from loving me.
I incarcerated the pet in a “patacage” “Patacages” are cages used to capture animals for the child’s pet army. It is also used as a prison cell for the animal. After I locked that animal in its cage, I abandoned it. I deprived the panda of essential nourishment necessary for survival. I basically made it fend for itself. When I did return to my panda, it had changed. No welcoming hug, no bubbly eyes. What I saw in its eyes was contempt; it knew I had abandoned it. I had finally killed its love for me. I had awoken its vicious nature. This was the first step to a strong army.
The purpose of a pet army is for child generals to practice their military tactics against other generals in order to show one’s superiority as a carnivore. Generals who win their battles are chosen to join the CU army. It is a simple concept to teach the idea of survival of the fittest.
What happens to the inferior child who loses a battle? I have never lost a battle. However, I have heard stories that if the losing participant is lucky enough, the person can retreat before the entire person’s pet army is killed. The unlucky ones are “captured” by the winner. “Captured” meaning the person is knocked out and dragged into the patacage. Patacages are not just for capturing animals. It provides a secondary purpose of transforming the loser into one of the inferior animal species. The loser joins the pet army of the winner.
I have caught and transformed ten people into animals. My favorite animal I caught is a former obese boy. The patacage transformed that little obese boy into a huge gorilla. The gorilla was the perfect comrade for my panda. It provided sheer strength and power, usually too overbearing for any opponent I came across to.
I should stop this senseless daydreaming. My mind is wandering off because I’ve been walking on a battlefield for several days. When I look down on the ground, I notice how this battlefield used to be once an open field infested with green grass. Fields became artificial due to the passage of the Naturalization of Our Environment Act of ’98. All grass in the world was disintegrated to deprive animals of their habitat. The grass was replaced by chrome tiles. “Battlefields”, as the government now calls it, protected the land from being destroyed by any natural disaster. Trees were also cut down and replaced with friendly carbon dioxide-oxygen towers. The goal of the act was successful in making the environment safe for humans. LIKE THIS BUT ON LAND!
A wild pigeon appeared as I walked towards the end of the battlefield. For practice, I let out my panda to fight the pigeon. I ordered the panda to munch on the pigeon’s wings to effectively disable the pigeon from flying. Blood spills on the chrome battlefield, sending a signal that it was wounded. I then grabbed the pigeon by its throat and threw it in its patacage.
What use is a pigeon that does not fly? I went in search for the nearest city. I needed to find the local heath center. Health centers are used by generals to repair their broken pets. These centers provided recovery from intense battles, injecting animals with pain medication and replacing missing limbs with robotic ones. Not all pets survive battles, even with the center’s best care. I have lost the majority of my army in battling.
Arriving in a foreign city is a typical practice of generals. In every city, I always see the families and their young children playing around. Ah, to remember the childhood joy of being with family and friends. It’s a shame that they are missing out in the joy of preparing for the nation’s army. Young children do not realize the joy of having a pet mutilate an opponent’s pet. What an adrenaline rush!
I came across the local health center. As I entered the door, I see all the amateur pet generals. My attention was drawn towards an inferior.
“Turtle!” cried the kid “Please tell me my turtle is all right.”
“I’m sorry, but you have to wait like all the others,” said the nurse.
“But—,”squealed the child.
The nurse yelled, “Back of the line!”
I quietly waited for my turn to see the nurse. It was sickening to see a general grovel for the care of a pet. If a pet dies, it dies. Mourning the death of an animal is a sign of weakness.
“Next!” screeched the nurse.
“Please repair the broken wings of my pigeon.”
“What type of replacement wings would you like to be installed on the pigeon?” the nurse asked.
I proposed, “Could you install titanium wings?”
“Affirmative. The installment will cost $10,” stated the nurse.
The installment took ten whole minutes. I observed the operation. The nurse ripped the pigeon’s wings off and tightly bolted the wing-shaped titanium plates into the pigeon’s joints. I heard the pigeon crying. The pigeon needed the metal to be a serious threat on the battlefield. It would provide the pigeon another weapon besides its beak.
PIC IS UNRELATED!
As I left the health center, I saw a young girl feeding her pets some plants! Plants!
“Little girl. What are you feeding to your animals?” I asked.
The girl said, “Salads. My pets are herbivores.”
Salads! Are you serious? Salads are banned in the world! I cannot believe that this girl is breaking the law.
“My deer and ladybug love to eat—“
“So what? Just force your animals to eat meat!”
Blasphemy. I cannot process the idea of feeding pets plants. Meat is the only way for animals to get stronger and build muscle. It is ridiculous to see that girl caring and loving her pets. Absurd!
I asked the child, “Do you love your pets?”
“Of course! I love my pets!”
“Are you kidding me? Loving a pet softens the animal on the battlefield.”
“No!” screamed the girl, “Love builds a stronger bond. It doesn’t hurt to care for your pets. I believe that a general and his pets should have care for one another. I believe that humans and animals can be friendly towards each other.”
I was speechless. I was so disgusted by her stupid little face. I wanted to smash her face on the health center’s wall, spilling her blood all over the chrome floor. It would have made me a hero to the Carnivore Union if I killed this girl.
“What is your name, little girl?”
“Well, Artemis. My name is Ares. I challenge you to a battle.”
I knew I had to teach this little punk a lesson. To believe humans and animals can be friendly towards each other is heresy. It goes against what our nation fought for in WWIII. She was speaking “environmentally friendly”. It would be my duty as a carnivore to defeat this animal lover.
“Alright, if you insist,” she said.
She had three pets and I had three pets. It seemed to be a fair battle. I felt confident enough in my experience and excessive training.
We walked onto the battlefield. A standard battle has pets face off one-on-one. I start the battle off by releasing my gorilla. You have to start strong in battles. Artemis releases her ladybug on the battlefield.
“Ha! You think your ladybug stands a chance against my gorilla?!” I exclaimed
What a novice! My gorilla squishes her ladybug. It was an easy defeat.
“I’m sorry, ladybug,” she whispered.
She then releases a crab into the field. Absurd! She has nothing but weak pets.
I yelled, “Prepare to die!”
I ordered my gorilla to charge at the crab. The crab suddenly jumps! I had never seen a crab jump so high. It lands on my gorilla’s face and starts to pinch it.
“Shake it off!”
Blood splatters on the chrome floor. A loud thump follows. I was shocked.
“Gorilla!” I screamed.
The crab somehow drilled into my gorilla’s brain. It mutilated his eyes out and entered the eye sockets
to pinch the brain. Unbelievable.
I hated that gorilla. How could it let a measly crab defeat him? No matter. I release my newly repaired pigeon into the sky.
I yelled, “Pigeon! Go and dive into the crab.”
The pigeon dived, beak first, onto the crab, putting a dent to its armor. I then ordered the bird to attack the crab with its titanium wings. The crab suddenly stops moving. It was defeated. What a relief!
“No! Crab!” she screamed.
It was now two against one. She let out her final pet: her precious deer. I ordered the pigeon to dive once again. But, it didn’t listen. Damn! That’s the problem with new pets. They are always disobeying their masters. I haven’t had enough time to train it.
“Go ram into the pigeon. Crush him!” she told her deer.
The deer runs and rams the pigeon against the oxygen tower. The bird is now dead, splattered against
the tower. This battle is intense! I let out my final pet: my panda.
My panda had never let me down. It always survived in battles and saved me from being captured. I knew I was going to win this battle with it. No chance my panda will lose to a deer. I had even fed my panda deer meat.
I said to the panda, “Go eat the deer!”
The panda rushes. It gives the deer a big panda hug and starts to devour the deer on its side. I see some of the deer’s intestines fly out.
“No!” she yelled, “Deer! Go and kick him.”
The deer then struggle to escape the Panda’s hug. It scratches the Panda’s face with its antlers. It then back kicks the Panda. The Panda was stunned.
I ordered the Panda to go and headbutt the deer. The Panda knocks it unconscious. It was the beginning of the end.
“Any last words, Artemis.”
She whispered, “I love you, Deer.”
I screamed, “Exterminate!”
The Panda jumps belly first. A loud noise followed by silence.
The deer had rolled over to avoid the Panda. I couldn’t believe it. My panda stood up, giving a strong stare at the deer. It was a faceoff.
“I had a great time battling you,” she said.
Her deer then charged.
“I had a great time defeating you,” I said.
The panda then charged.
Blood once again splattered on the chrome floor. My panda was dead. The deer’s antlers had gone through the Panda’s throat.
I stood there, motionless, thinking about how a little girl defeated me. My excessive training. My pets’ strict diet. My pets. They were nothing.
I asked her, “How did you win?”
She said, “Love!”
“No. I don’t believe you!”
I ran. I ran away from her to prevent my capture. The deer then rammed me and I landed into a cage. It was Artemis’s patacage.
“You will learn to love,” she said.
I was transformed into a rabbit. My new master was Artemis.
“Oh you’re so cute!” she screamed.
She proceeded to hug me. It felt weird. Is this love? I love this. Maybe I was wrong. I began to feel a bond with my new owner. Is this the bond Artemis was talking about? I guess… I was wrong. Love is not weakness. Love is strength.
LOOK WHO CAME: