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LONG BLOG

A (more definitive) review of sequels

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Not long ago a certain blog teased the promise of an absolute, incontestable review of sequels. Drawn in by this succulent promise I read the blog hoping to find the ultimate critique. What did I get for my efforts? Nothing! Well a solid reflection on Bioshock 2 and the reception of sequels in general, but beyond that, nothing! Aghast at the deception, I stumbled away, crushed that I would have to endure reading yet more sequel reviews. I was devastated.

Then it occurred to me: I have fingers! Strangely, this is something that frequently slips my mind. But with these fingers I can write my own definitive review. My words will be like the ants that forge an anthill of truth, fed by the fungus of my righteous ire and directed by the bloated, egg-laying queen that is me! Grab your cheap plastic antfarm because you're going to want to keep this with you for the rest of your miserable life.

Developer: Yes
Publisher: Doesn't matter
Released: After the first one

Graphics
What is this, 1912? This game looks exactly like the previous one! Yeah, sure, the lighting, textures, and every other imaginable graphical element has been improved, but what about the stuff that matters? Like, for one, all the recurring characters are pretty much the same. What's up with that? I spent an entire game or more getting them burned into my retinas, maybe it's time for a change. Throw in some funny hats or something. Also, everything's still got colours. What? And pixels? Even worse is they've clung to conveying information through the visible spectrum. Until they make the leap to shooting gamma radiation straight through our foreheads, it's not worth wasting your precious time on.

Sound
This is a hard one. One the one hand, they tread well worn ground with their inclusion of C and G notes and it's hard not to feel tired of that grind. On the other, as someone who enjoys a good F, their generous use is more than welcome. Ultimately the sound falters in the dialogue with everything that comes out of the character's mouths being limp and unimpressive, almost as though the voice actors were just getting paid to do a job, and this is especially noticeable when delivered by text box.

Story
Terrible. Even the elements lifted straight out of previous titles ruin the established narrative. It's like, hello, I could right a better story if I wasn't so busy. Denouement? More like do-no-more, amirite? No, more like gay-nouement, amirite? I'm right. Also, at the end of the game your favourite character/your least favourite character/everyone ends up dying/living/becoming a chicken. *end spoilers* Yeah, so, pretty totally lame.

Title
What is with developers? They always ruin the title by sticking a number on the end or throwing together some meaningless subtitle. I mean, c'mon, you got the title right the first time, how hard can it be to do that again?

Gameplay
Ah, the heart of a game, the single most important piece behind graphics. Well, I'm sorry to say this is a real disappointment. They changed a whole bunch of stuff so it's barely recognizable. You're practically playing a brand new game. If I was looking for something different, I wouldn't have picked this one, right? And then, even worse, they left everything else the same. What, really? You don't think maybe I'm bored of this by now? If I was looking for the same thing, I would've played the first one, right? Man, just awful.

Closing Comments
So, all in all, the best yet. Keep it up!

Score: 9.5 -- Superb (9s are a hallmark of excellence. There may be flaws, but they are negligible and won't cause massive damage to what is a supreme title.)

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About Beyamorone of us since 1:10 PM on 06.24.2009

I知 a gamer. Take a minute and get over that shock. I can say I知 an Xbox man, though I値l support anything that advances gaming (I love you Sackboy). I致e also got a DS Chunky, so I can take this whole nerd thing on the road.

As far as genres, shooters and western RPGs top my list. Halo, Fable, and Morrowind, for instance, rock my socks hard. Of course other things, stuff like Animal Crossing and Kingdom Hearts, do their share of stocking rocking.

In the world outside of buttons and pixels, I知 an engineering student (that nerd thing I mentioned? I do it hardcore) on the west coast of the Great White North. I知 a fan of a harder rock, bands like Breaking Benjamin and Hurt, though I値l kick it (very much figuratively) to stuff ranging from The Fray through Franz Ferdinand to Five Finger Death Punch. Optimus Prime is my hero, but I do love Starscream. Finally, thumbs up to you for reading this. You池e never getting that time back.


Kirbey by the talented and generously endowed (probably) Enkido