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49 Reasons You Need a PSPGo Right Now!

Until earlier today, I wasn't at all interested in owning a PSPGo. I might've been able to come up with, say, five reasons why someone might want one - and couldn't really say if any of them applied to me.

But then I saw that someone is proposing 49 reasons why a PSPGo is a necessary, immediate purchase.

Now, at first, I thought this was just unreasonable. Five reasons is an article; 49 is an advertisement. Then I sat down and, for due-diligence's sake, decided to enumerate the reasons you might need a PSPGo.

Lo and behold, I ended up with 49 of them! Consider me convinced. And maybe, after reading this, you will be too.


1. For your birthday, you have received a voucher for a downloadable PSP game. You do not have a PSP. Due to a freak wind storm, no local stores have any stock of disc-based PSPs. You cannot order a normal PSP on-line, because you are terminally ill, and would die before it arrives. You need a PSPGo.

2. You are a Sony representative. You are slated to appear on-stage at a trade show, and demonstrate some new PSP games, on the new PSP hardware. Frustrated with your apparent inability to arrive to work on time, your boss has told you that if you screw this up, you will be violently fired. You need a PSPGo.

3. On-board a freighter bound for Portugal, you have been kidnapped by Somalian pirates. Portugal has refused to negotiate. Your shipping company has disavowed all knowledge of you and the rest of your crew. The pirates are getting restless. Their leader proclaims, "I don't want to kill you all! All I want is a PSPGo for my son." You need a PSPGo.

4. It is the year 2035. The planet has been destroyed by nuclear radiation. You and a handful of others from your home-town survive in an underground bunker, slowly starving to death. You find an old PSP in a pile of rubble, and are surprised to find that it turns on. Suddenly, you hear a scuffle: raiders are attacking! Terrified, you mute the PSP to prevent it from attracting attention. Then the disc spins up, the noise echoing throughout the bunker. The raiders are getting closer. You need a PSPGo.

5. Same as #1, except instead of your birthday, it is your wedding anniversary.

6. It's Black Friday. You're in a toy store. You've lucked out, and found the last Placate-Me Elmo that the store has; other than this, the only thing they have in stock is the PSPGo. You feel cold steel against the back of your neck. "You don't need that doll," a menacing voice says from behind you. "You need a PSPGo." You need a PSPGo.

7. The United States has declared martial law worldwide. You are forcibly enlisted and shipped off to Australia to spread Freedom; you will be on a plane for several hours. Nintendo products have been outlawed, and the classic PSP is out of production. Since childhood, you have been unable to ride a plane, or car, without getting nauseous - unless you're playing a video game. You need a PSPGo.

8. You have developed an unfortunate habit of playing your PSP while having sex with your girlfriend. You are unable to mentally separate PSP games from copulation. Sometimes, the game disc pops out and interrupts your game-playing, which in turn interrupts your love-making. She has given you an ultimatum - if you have to pull out to retrieve a game disc one more time, she will leave you. You need a PSPGo.

9. You are working on a university research project. Your germ-based bio-processor works wonderfully with calibrated input and output. But the university is unsatisfied with your lack of demonstrable progress, and you need a way to show the Review Board what your project can do - fast. By sheer coincidence, your research processor has the same footprint and processing power as a 333 MHz MIPS CPU. Also, your demo application requires more than 32 MB of RAM. You need a PSPGo.

10. Same as #1, except instead of your birthday, it is a religious holiday.

11. When Sony announced a partnership with Netflix, you boldly stated on your blog that, if Netflix was ever to appear on the Wii, you would shove a PSP up your ass. You need a PSPGo.

12. Your unusual friend, who is not allowed in the local shopping mall due to past incidents with the mall police, has given you $250 and asked that you purchase a new PSP for him. You slyly buy him an old PSP, and pocket the remainder of the money for yourself, before giving him the system. The next day you receive a threatening phone call from your friend. You open your front door, and see a note with the letters "P S P G O" scrawled on it, in blood. You need a PSPGo.

13. You are extremely high. In front of you is a crowd of life-sized cartoon characters. A squirrel tips his hat to you. The road tastes like green Jell-o. You are absolutely certain that if you do not get a PSPGo, at this very minute, the sun will explode. You need a PSPGo.

14. You are employed by a video-game magazine. Your editor has informed you that the magazine needs to push the PSPGo, or Sony will pull its advertising. The operation is barely running as it is, and, if another advertiser jumps ship, will have no choice but to shut down. You are late on your car payments; your wife is pregnant. No one at the magazine owns a PSPGo. You need a PSPGo.

15. You just listened to a terrible song on your car radio, but can't get it out of your head. It is driving you mad. You believe it may be a communist plot to destroy your mind. You run into a Gamestop, teeth grinding. You don't know what a video game is. You don't know what a PSP is. You see a PSPGo advertisement, showing Patapon characters with musical notes coming out of them. You need to get the commies out of your head. You need a PSPGo.

16. Same as #1, except the gift is from your creepy nephew, whose parents will be upset if you don't use it. He'll know if you don't use it.

17. You arrive home and open your front door, to find a man in a wizard costume standing in your living room. Your family is tied up and bound to the couch. The house smells of gasoline. "Hold, dark one!" the wizard yells. "I know you possess the Soh-nee! Return it hence, or you shall feel my reckoning!" You nervously reach in your briefcase, dropping a PSP onto the floor. You point at it, failing to find words. "Nay!" the wizard cries. "Not that one! The smaller one!" You need a PSPGo.

18. You are QA Manager for a game development studio. Your new game is ready to ship, just in time for the holidays - but your head of marketing is insistent that it pass another round of testing. "It needs to run on the Go!" he says. You tell him that Sony has already done compatibility testing on their different hardware revisions, and that the platforms are functionally identical. "But," he rebuts, "I read that sometimes, they're different. We need to be sure!" His father is the CEO. You need a PSPGo.

19. You are a pornographic film star. You have heard that the PSP is a go-to platform for porn viewers. Although you act confident on the set, you are actually quite self-conscious about your sexual attractiveness, and specifically, your physical proportions. You hear that there is a new PSP, and worry that its display might have a different aspect ratio. Does it make you look fat? What if one of your co-stars sees you on one? You can't sleep. You develop an eating disorder. It begins to affect your performance at work. You need a PSPGo.

20. You are Indiana Jones. You have just stolen a precious gold artifact from an ancient ruined city. Suddenly, you hear rumbling; traps are activating. You replace the artifact, and the traps stop. To keep the artifact, you'll need to substitute it with something of the same size and weight. The artifact is 128 x 16.5 x 69 mm, and weighs 158 grams. You need a PSPGo.

21. Your son wants a PSPGo. Being a savvy consumer, you tell him that he can get more functionality in a slim PSP. He says that all his friends have PSPGos, which you don't necessarily believe. You explain that the old PSP can download games too, but can also play game discs, which may be easier to find. He storms off to his room. The next day, you get a call from the school principal. He explains that your son has psychokinetic powers, and just set another boy's desk on fire. You need a PSPGo.

22. Same as #1, except instead of a game, the voucher is for a download of the movie Stealth. Stealth is a terrible movie. But Jessica Biel is in it.

23. You are addicted to pornographic films. You cannot stop watching them at work. Your employer has already warned you several times, and installed filtering software on your PC. Your co-workers, worried for your well-being, insist on inspecting your iPhone and iPod when you arrive at work, to make sure there is no pornography on them. They would notice a PSP; it's too big. You need something more discreet. You need a PSPGo.

24. You collect game systems. You need a PSPGo.

25. Sony's surprise announcement of E3 2010 is that, based on the tremendous amount of research that Polyphony Digital has done for Gran Turismo 5, and the still-uncertain American automobile industry, they will go into the business of producing cars. Their first model is the fully-electric Sony AutoStation. You immediately commit to purchasing one, and take out non-refundable mortgage loans to pay for it. Later in the week, Sony announces that, instead of traditional "keys," AutoStations will be activated and locked by a special application exclusive to the PSPGo (sold separately). You need a PSPGo.

26. Your celebrity cruise ship has run aground on a desert island. You don't know how far off-course you are, or when anyone might be able to rescue you. The only survivors are you, and a Victoria's Secret model. The model confesses to you that she is a video game addict, and that her PSPGo, which she adored, was left on the ship. She tells you that if you could get her a PSPGo, she will give you the wildest sex of your life. You need a PSPGo.

27. You've won a contest, and have decided to spend your winnings on needlessly extravagant trinkets. You've already bought a glass statue of yourself, a room full of faberge eggs, and a gold PS3. You're not sure what to buy next. You open a magazine, and see an advertisement for the PSPGo. It's $250. You need a PSPGo.

28. Same as #1, except instead of your birthday, it is the third anniversary of the day you accidentally killed your best friend in a boating accident. You and a friend of his that you never liked very much (who sent you the gift) covered it up. You are very afraid of disappointing him.

29. You are Jim Sterling. You need a PSPGo.

30. You are a PSP owner. You own some games on discs, as well as some digitally. You've seen advertisements for the PSPGo, and think it's a neat device, but aren't prepared to shell out the money for one. You step into the lab where you've decided to participate in a pharmaceutical trial. What the doctors haven't told you is that they're being contracted by the Department of Defense to test mind control chemicals. You swallow the pill and lay down. You need a PSPGo. You need a PSPGo. You need a PSPGo. You need a PSPGo.

31. You have just invented a time machine. Rather than use it for the examination of historical events, or the betterment of science, you desperately want to play a prank on a friend who died last year. You recall him saying in early 2009 that "Sony would be supremely idiotic to release yet another PSP." He died before the PSPGo was announced. You have the time machine. You need a PSPGo.

32. It is 2018. Terminator robots are enslaving humanity. You are fleeing for your life, when suddenly the robots chasing you are shot by a figure silhouetted against the sunset. "Come with me if you want to live," he tells you. You follow the stranger. "You'll need tools to survive out here," he says, handing you a pistol from his back pocket. "You need a flashlight, too. I'll show you. You'll need a PSPGo." You don't understand why, but, you need a PSPGo.

33. You are crossing the street, when you see a friend on the other side. You stop, feigning disgust at him for what he did at the party last night. He gives you a shocked look. You laugh, as you are hit by a bus. Everything around you becomes white. A disembodied voice tells you that you are dead. "Fate can be cruel," the voice says. "But this is not how it was supposed to happen. These events were set in motion because you defied your destiny. You were supposed to buy the PSPGo!" You wake up, confused, and sweaty. You need to buy a PSPGo.

34. Same as #1, except instead of your birthday, the world is ending. People all around you are losing control and slaughtering one another. Cthulhu appears before you, and somehow, you feel as if he has given this PSN voucher to you. You think he is smiling.

35. You are in an affluent high school. You and your rival both have eyes for the same girl. She is incredibly hot, but also, inexplicably, loves electronics. Your rival, in a move of utter desperation, buys her a PSP. You need a PSPGo.

36. You and a group of friends jokingly dared one another to buy PSPGos. Then, one of them went out and bought one. Not to be out-done, another one of your friends followed suit and bought one too. Now all of your friends have followed through on the dare, and you are the only one who hasn't bought a PSPGo. You have incredibly low self-esteem, and are certain that if you don't buy one, you will be shunned by your friends, and die alone. You need a PSPGo.

37. You got into a flamewar with NetGameStaR9909 last night about how the Nintendo DS is suitable only for infants, and Sony is remarkably on-the-ball in terms of perpetually improving their products. NetGameStaR9909 asked if you own a PSPGo, and you said yes, it is AWESOME. You do not actually own a PSPGo, but you need to prove that NetGameStaR9909 is stupid, and that you are better than him. NetGameStaR9909 just called you a "duchbag." You need a PSPGo.

38. You are tied to a wooden pole, suspended over a fire. Tribal dancers with face paint scream wildly. A man in a large headdress steps forward and begins to yell at you. "PSPGO!" he yells. "PSPGO! PSPGO! PSPGO!" You shake your head, unsure what the man means. Two tribesmen pick up the pole, take it away from the fire, and hold it over a pit of hungry alligators. "PSPGO! PSPGO!" the man with the headdress yells, again. You need a PSPGo.

39. Same as #1, except instead of your birthday, it's Stephen Hawking's birthday. You are really big about astrophysics.

40. Last night was your bachelor party. You're usually pretty reserved, so your fiancee doesn't suspect a thing. "What did you guys do last night?" she asks you. You glance at a magazine cover on your coffee table, which has a PSPGo on the cover, and tell her that you and your friends were playing PSPGo all night. "I didn't know you had a PSPGo," she says. You don't. You need a PSPGo.

41. You are a marine biologist. As you descend into the sea in your diving cage, a shark passes by. "Hey buddy," a voice in your head says. What? "Yeah, I'm the shark!" you hear in your head. "We can modulate our thoughts into audible frequencies. Didn't you know that?" You are a little surprised. You try to think of something to say to the shark. "I know what you're thinking - you're thinking, I can tell what you're thinking!" It takes you a minute to understand what that means. "I can't read your mind, and you can't talk underwater! But you know what could talk to me? A PSPGo!" You arch your eyebrows at the shark. "No, seriously! We can understand wireless frequencies, too! But only from the PSPGo. Don't ask me why, I'm just a shark!" You tug the line on your diving cage. You need a PSPGo.

42. You're checking your shopping list. "PSPGo" is written on it. You don't remember writing that down, but then, you wouldn't: you have anterograde amnesia (like the guy in Memento). You need a PSPGo.

43. Same as #1, except instead of your birthday, it is your first day of college, and your parents are giving you a gift to celebrate. You are still terminally ill, but your tuition was non-refundable, so, no sense in wasting it.

44. You have a blood feud with Satoru Iwata's family over an ancient territorial dispute, and Steve Jobs helped cover up the murder of your grandfather. You don't just need a portable gaming system - you need petty revenge. You need a PSPGo.

45. "What's that, sir? You need ... you're breaking up, I can't understand ... you're where? What are you doing in Rhode Island? What island? ... You need a PSP? No? A DS- no? I'm fired!? What? ... A PSPGo, sir? You need a PSPGo?" You need a PSPGo.

46. You are obsessive compulsive. You just bought a PSP. You have a drawer for it in your cabinets. You put the PSP in the drawer and close it- almost. It doesn't close. You open the drawer, move the PSP, and try to close it again. It won't. It's too thick. The drawer won't close. Your PSP won't fit. It won't close. You need a PSPGo.

47. You've just discovered that David Bowie is all about the PSPGo. David Bowie is your hero. Some people think he's passed his prime, but see, the PSPGo is proof that he's still hip and with it! He's so cool. You need a PSPGo.

48. You just found a box of PSN cards in the trunk of your car. This kind of thing happens to you a lot, so you don't question it. You decide to buy a PSP. Today's New York Times is reporting that old PSPs are made with a kind of plastic that seeps deadly poison into your hands. That doesn't sound quite right, and also, your new issue of the Times is printed on regular white paper, and looks like it came out of someone's laser printer at home. But why take chances with your life? You need a PSPGo.

49. You have just finished reading 48 reasons why you need a PSPGo right now. You are not sure if any of them apply to you, but, that is a lot of reasons. You feel anxious. Chances seem pretty good that you need a PSPGo. The walls are closing in. The voices are getting louder. That's a lot of reasons! You need a PSPGo.
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About TSuerethone of us since 8:04 PM on 07.31.2009

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