Game of the Year Awards are populating every cavity of the gaming world right now, and being as this is the last day of 2009, I feel obligated to partake in this raping and pillaging of journalist progress in the name of making a list of things I think are better than other things. However, this list is FROM THE FUTURE. And not the next year future, BUT THE KIND-OF-DISTANT FUTURE. After careful counsel with my local shaman I feel safe to share with you my vision for some of the best that gaming will have to offer come the year 2015.
Best Graphics: Uncharted 4: Quest for Bowie's Gold
With the release of the newest Uncharted game Naughty Dog has now officially finished graphics. There is no longer anything left to be done with them, except make them worse. 4 out of 5 Doctors agree that this game looks so good it can drive a blind man to madness and a madman to salvation. The Pope has since denounced the game as a false idol which seeks to emulate the glory of the Lord.
Best Music/Sound: David Hayter: The Game
Famed voice actor of Solid Snake and successful screenwriter in his own right, David Hayter has partnered once again with Kojima Productions to produce this game set in Hayter's present day home of Santa Monica, California. Join Hayter as he buys groceries, surfs the internet, and talks to his wife on codec. But that's not why this game is getting awarded for best sound. Hayter does the whole game in Solid Snake's voice, but if it was part Irish and all Down's Syndrome. Also, be on the lookout for Quintin Flynn, voice actor of Raiden, to crash the party when he's found cheating with Hayter's wife!
SPOILER ALERT: Marriage counseling torture scene is gruesome.
Best Smells/Tastes: Doritos' Armageddon CrunchZone 2015
Many gamers worried that EA gaining exclusive rights to the DACz license would lead to the publisher having little incentive to continue to evolve and improve the core experience of the annual CrunchZone titles. But luckily these fears can be put to rest, as DACz 2015 exceeded everyone's nacho cheesiest expectations. Featuring an updated flavor roster and a revamped multi-chip tournament mode, Doritos' has once again struck delicious in the coalmine of our mouths.
Best Use of a Peripheral: Tony Hawk's Pro Love Maker
Following countless years of mediocrity, the Tony Hawk's franchise was given new life this year thanks to ditching that whole 'skateboard' thing in favor of simulated riding and grinding of another kind. Much of the success of this newest game can be attributed to the state-of-the-art doll peripheral which comes packaged with every disc. Featuring unrealistic plastic that will never biodegrade and access to over 6 motion-detecting holes which are impossible to clean out, it's every man's dream toy! Plus it's incredibly portable, thanks to Activisions patented inflate/deflate technology. If there is one negative to this peripheral though, it would have to be the inclusion of Tony Hawk's face on the doll, which the skate star insisted was "paramount to giving my fans the authentic Tony Hawk experience."
Best RPG: Dragons n' Shit II
Following Master Nicholson's rise to power in 2013, his personal game studio, Chetware (which consists of members of Bioware and Brad's muscles) has been hard at work turning Dragons n' Shit into a smash hit franchise. The sequel improves upon nearly everything found in the original, with more breasts, more muscles, and more dragons. Chetware also included a new relationship dynamic, which the company calls "Sex n' Shit", that allows the player to make any 1 to 3 characters, monsters, or pieces of foliage partake in the intimate act of having sex with Brad Nicholson. Some critics felt that this game still suffered some of the same issues as the first, namely poor camera visibility due to muscles taking up so much of the screen, but fear of angering Master Nicholson leads me to declare this the ultimate RPG of 2015!
Best Fighting Game: Capcom Vs. Abstract Expressionism
Fighting games have never been known as drastic innovators, but Capcom has wound up turning the whole genre on it's head with it's newest game in the venerated "Vs." line. A classic roster of Capcom greats battle it against the paintings and ideals which define the post World War II abstract expressionist movement. Nothing beats watching Ryu hadouken some painting your 6 year old could have made but for some reason is worth thousands of dollars. Capcom has since hinted at a possible followup, "Capcom vs. Dadaism," alternatively titled, "werjoivxghweoiq".
Best Action/Adventure: Uncharted 4: Quest for Bowie's Gold
Besides just graphics, the new Uncharted also champions tight controls and a captivating new story. Taking place 1 year after the events of Uncharted 3: Putin's Stash, the game finds Nathan Drake on a quest through space to find the secret treasure left by music legend David Bowie. Elena, after being transformed into a talking Labrador retriever, pilots their time-machine spaceship through various realizations of David Bowie albums as they find clues and who knows, maybe just learn a little something about themselves in the process. Best Handheld Game: The Legend of Zelda: Lazy River
Once again Nintendo proves that it knows how to make a quality LoZ title that combines all of your favorite elements of the previous games into a nearly identical sequel, but with a new, unnecessary method of transportation thrown in. This time a young Link is back in Hyrule on a quest to save the beautiful princess Zelda from the evil Ganondorf, all with the help of his magical inner tube and trusty Conga drum. Using the Conga drum to bang magical melodies and solve unique puzzles throughout each of the four elemental dungeons, Link slowly tubes his way across this wonderful game.
Obviously there are other categories that I glossed over when writing this list of awards, but that's only because the shaman charges by the hour. Hopefully this give everyone a better idea of what THE FUTURE is like.
Happy New Year.
LOOK WHO CAME:
Kyle MacGregor Burleson 1