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LONG BLOG

The Official Gamer's Sex Soundtrack

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Lets face it, sex sells, this blog entry will probably get more views just for having the word 'sex' in its topic which proves my point...the world is driven by sex, and you are most likely included in that world full of sheep and if you aren't that means one of either three things.

1: You are a virgin, and if that's because you want to be, then good for you. But if its because you just can't get any, fap instead. It will be weird and desperate, but if you are a virgin not from choice then you would be used to that.

2: You are strait edge...and I can understand that you don't want to follow the crowd and all that shit...but you won't have sex with your girlfriend? What kind of statement are you trying to make?...Jesus.

3: You can't use your Cho or Vajoo for an undisclosed reason...and if so, I want to know why.

Either way, I recommend you go out and enjoy an orgasm. In the brief moment where you blow chunks, you have absolutely nothing on your mind. Which is great considering most of the things you think about are retarded. Today I will be going through the necessary musical tracks you WILL require, as a gamer, to get laid. Guaranteed!

If you don't agree with my selection of song, please feel free to add in your own suggestions so we can all see how much of a deviant you are.


8 - : Austrian Death Machine - Get to the Choppa
Now while most people would object to putting on this classic tune while engaged in erotic intercourse, I tend to disagree...for a few reasons. Firstly, every girl has had a thing for Arnold and this song will marinate them in anticipation. Secondly, it has a very fast paced beat so that the thrashing of a life time is in order, and while most partners like to suggest that foreplay is a brilliant way to start, inform them there is no such thing in the world of Schwarzenegger.





7 - : Greese , The Musical Soundtrack - We Go Together
The lyrics say it all but the real passion is in the way this song is performed. Such enthusiasm and charismatic performances from the whole crew including John Travolta (who began his acting career as a porn star). This track also has the added advantage of taking your partner back to their Highschool fuck around days which will ensure you get to enjoy a school uniform, no contraception and some bubblegum blowing during sex. Epic.





6 - : Tenacious D - Fuck her Gently
So most people would say this song is educational and not something you should have in the background when performing prac-work in sex ed. I tend to disagree for a number of reasons but the main one is because you will never forget how to do this in this order IF you have it going on repeat. So take Jack Black's advice on this one, he tells it better than I ever could.





5 - : The Care Bears - Intro
Since it was so hard to find an embeddable version of the original, I figured this would suffice. It has a bit more groove and is very short in length for all your premature shooters out there. Another reason why your partner would love this is because it will take them back to their childhood days of putting Barbie and Ken in sex positions even though they had no idea what sex was. Doctors and Nurses anyone?





4 - : Flynn the Amazing Asian - Push Up
I can't quite put my finger on it, but there is something arousing about this dude. If every man was like this guy, we would not need pick up lines or players because we would just not care about rejection. Which in the long run would equal more self confident men who can deliver in bed. All hail Flynn! The Sex God!





3 - : Mike Patton - Moonchild Solo
Forget love potions and lubricants, you want wetness and arousal? All you need is Mike Patton ranting a whole heap of different orgasm sounds his past shags have delivered (Well, that's my opinion). If your partner does not want to have sex after listening to this..put them in a potato sack, beat them with a stick and throw it into a river (dam or ocean will also suffice).





2 - : The Teletubbies - EhOhhh
Aside from the fact that these guys are the creation of Adolf Hitler and George Bush scissoring. We don't care if you are a faithful Christian mother having sex with your one and only married partner for the millionth time...you must use this song to marinate. Lap dance, foreplay, sex, pissing on each other...who gives a shit, just play it and do whatever tickles your fancy. Gets a little heavy for some peoples taste...but eh, deal with it.





1 - : Cannibal Corpse - Hammer Smashed Face
Fuck Barry White, that guy is rotting in the ground somewhere. So what you need is people who would have sex with his corpse to make the ultimate song of seductive fornication. Enter the Corpse! And with other titles as: Necropedophile, Orgasm Through Torture and Meat Hook Sodomy. You wont have to look far for the next time you want to woo a person of the opposite sex from the lounge room to the bedroom. A Sexual Classic Smorgasbord for all.




Order one now and get a Princess Peach Blow Up Doll. Go get to work. Extra points if you can game while engaged in some kind of intercourse.

P.S - Post some questions on my podcast for fuck sake! We record our latest episode tonight. The boys and I will answer every question no matter how retarded or intellectual it is.
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About Samuel Dillingerone of us since 1:58 AM on 06.24.2008



Currently Playing:

...A lot of stuff

I like to fap...a lot.

I have been on Destructoid for a little and have grown to really love it's community. I love to write articles on gaming and I find it easy to do with Destructoid. I am currently studying a Bachelor Degree of Communication (Journalism), so that one day I can hope to do this professionally.

While studying I jump from job to job like crazy because I don't want to do anything but write, and while that may sound reckless, I assure you that I really couldn't live any other way if I tried.

I just want to say thanks to everybody involved with Destructoid including every reader, community blogger and contributor. It really is an amazing place in the digital, shit infested swamp lands of the internet.



I am a proud member of the Refused Classification panel also consisting of Destructoid members Puppy Licks and DanMazkin, which brings to the plate a fortnightly Destructoid only podcast and soon to be video content which will also be featuring guest appearances from gaming celebs such as the Masterchief.



I also write on Stereotoid; a weekly shift in the Earth's crust where the greatest music from all time seeps forth and pushes its way into our ears then forces us to write about it through mental fuckism. If you understood that, then well done.

P.S - One day I will write for Destructoid...That's right Niero! I'M COMING FOR YOU MOTHER FUCKER!
Xbox LIVE:MR D1LL1NGER
Mii code:[email protected]


 

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