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Weapon of Choice - Volume 5


One thing man has proven in the time he has been the dominant species of the planet is that he loves to kill shit. Whether it be one of his own or of a different species, putting something to bed for good has always been something man feels empowered over...unless of course he is a hippy. Then it is just sex, drugs and rock n roll, which are all excellent to take part in also. We are on to our 5th Weapon of Choice now, and I am starting to run low on ideas. So feel free to add yours to the mix. Before I continue I would just like to do a quick shout out to SilverDragon1979, for this inspiring piece.

With that all out of the way, let's recap shall we?

Volume 1 Recap:

* Sniper Rifles - Various Titles
* Flame Throwers - Various Titles
* The Cerebral Bore - Turok 2
* The Gravity Gun - Half Life 2
* The Fat Man - Fallout 3
* The Entire Ninja 2 Gaiden Arsenal
* The Hand of God - Rise of the Triads
* The Lancer - Gears of War (2)

Volume 2 Recap:

* The BFG 9000 - Doom Series
* Blades of Chaos - God of War Trilogy
* Remote & Proximity Mines - Goldeneye 007
* The Tek Bow - Turok Series
* The Combat Knife - Various Titles
* The Plasma Grenade - Halo Trilogy
* The Shrink Ray - Duke Nukem 3D
* The Chainsaw - Doom Series

Volume 3 Recap:

* The Translocator Gun - Unreal Tournament Series
* The Plastic Bag - Manhunt
* Nevan - Devil May Cry 3
* The BLUE Shell - Mario Kart Series
* Altair's Blade - Assassinís Creed
* The BattleMech - Mechwarrior Series
* The Shotgun - Various Titles
* The Sentry Turret - Team Fortress 2

Volume 4 Recap:

* The Darkness - The Darkness
* The Hadoken - Streetfighter Series
* Tina - Dead or Alive Series
* "Would you Kindly" - Bioshock
* The Megabuster - Megaman Series
* The Mini-Gun - Various Titles
* Bowser's Flying Amater - Mario 3
* Jerate - Team Fortress 2

As in the previous two articles, we will be taking a look at the most inventive and colorful ways, to end a life in a video game. From 1 to 5, this is the criteria for which the arsenal shall be judged:

1) Originality - Has it been done before and can we get it on the black market?
2) Fun Factor - Is it fun to watch the life be taken in the fashion to which it is taken?
3) Gore Gauge - Will we need maxi-pads for the clean up?
4) Ease of use - Speaks for itself

Of course I have not played every single video game the world has had to offer, so if you can contribute to the topic in any way, please feel free to do so. Today we will start with what people suggested in the previous installments.

The Crowbar - Various Titles
As suggested by Seigfreid

I say various titles, but when we think Crowbar, we think Gordon Freeman...we think, Half life. In terms of emersion, this weapon placed us into the Half Life universe quicker than Wile E Coyote would fuck up trying to capture the Road Runner. One minute we were a scientist on his way to work, the next we have one of these babies in our hands and are looking for a way out while head crabbed co-workers tried to rip our faces off.

I feel so cheated when I watch this...BLEND THE CROWBAR!l

Of course there are a few games which implement the crowbar into the use of combat and problem solving such as, The Warriors and Silent Hill Homecoming but none of them match up to the epic use of the Crowbar within its predecessor. The thuds made as it hits chunks of flesh from your enemy, the broken wood it chips off as you pummel a boarded up door...You are the conductor with this thing, write your fucking masterpiece.

1) Originality - 4 - Melee objects aren't uncommon in gaming, but its a crowbar
2) Fun Factor - 3 - It was always fun to see how far you could get with just this
3) Gore Gauge - 4 - Its a fucking crowbar, imagine copping one to the head
4) Ease of use - 5 - You swing it at close range...simple

The Tommy Gun - Various Titles

While not in many modernized titles, this weapon has caused some blood splattering trouble in the past. It is only natural that we think of early 90's Chicago, Long overcoats, Hats and Prohibition but the truth is this weapon was the greatest automatic weapon up until the Russians created the AK-47 which was inspired by, yep...The Tommy Gun.

This is definitely not a good way to go out

What I always loved about using a Tommy Gun in gaming was the enemy would usually not collapse until you have finished loading him with bullets, and because the Tommy Gun has such a large clip capacity, the victim would usually do a little bullet ridden dance while the oppressor would just hold down the trigger with a grin. Always good for a laugh. Tommy Gun Highlights: Godfather, Mafia and Bioshock.

1) Originality - 2 - It's a automatic machine gun, there's plenty around
2) Fun Factor - 3 - Watching a victim perform the bullet dance is really something
3) Gore Gauge - 1 - After being shot by this a body looks like Swiss cheese
4) Ease of use - 4 - Aim and fire, although it does tend to have a lot of recoil

The Nail-Gun - Various Titles
As suggested by Quantum Zombie

As a kid, I always used to grab my fathers nail gun and shoot it at stuff. Sure it was stupid, but damn it was fun. Game developers such as ID Software seem to always know what the little kid inside us always wanted, and threw it into a game for us to rape and pillage. The nail gun is a weapon that has gotten better with age, for with age, comes advancement.

I love these death simulators. NAILED!

Gone are the days where you would fire an automatic flow of nails into an enemy and wonder if it was any different than loading them with bullets, because now you can see, when you nail something, it sticks to the fucking walls...and that is awesome. Quite a few games have tried to pull it off but only some have been able to perfect it. And when it is perfected, it is unreal. Nail-Gun Highlights: F.E.A.R 2, Half Life 2 (Cross Bow), Team Fortress 2 (Syringe Gun) and The Quake Series.

1) Originality - 4 - Turning a Nail-gun into a weapon from a tool was ingenious
2) Fun Factor - 5 - Sticking people to walls in funny positions is hilarious
3) Gore Gauge - 4 - Nails impale a victim only to stick them to a wall...that's full on
4) Ease of use - 3 - Works just like any other automatic weapon

The Land Shark Gun - Armed & Dangerous
As suggested by Tdiddy9182

Damn, this game was hilarious. Many games these days don't incorporate original ideas anymore because they just take what good formula worked for others and rip it off so it works for them. A game like this is a breath of fresh air because it brings something new to the table. An eccentric story, hilarious dialouge, interesting characters...and top notch weaponry including the Land Shark Gun, which fires into the ground a rapidly-maturing infant Land Shark, a creature that 'swims' through the earth, seeking out and devouring enemies.

It's mother fucking SHARK WEEK!

Remember watching Jaws as a kid? I bet you didn't go to the beach for a month after watching that and its not because you are a little bitch, its because sharks are fucked. They can smell blood, underwater, from a mile away. Did you understand me? THEY CAN SMELL BLOOD...UNDERWATER...FROM A MILE AWAY! I can't even smell water, under water! When it comes to man VS shark...we don't stand a chance.

1) Originality - 5 - A gun that shoots Sharks out of it?
2) Fun Factor - 5 - It shoots Sharks...out of a Gun
3) Gore Gauge - 5 - It's a Shark...From a Gun
4) Ease of use - 5 - You aim it at the ground...AND A SHARK COMES OUT!

The Bionic Arm - Bionic Commando Series
As suggested by TheCleaningGuy

Originally brought out on the NES. Nintendo never like to give up on their old school characters. But instead of exclusively holding onto Bionic Commando for themselves, they have dispersed him to every platform that could give a shit. Which is every platform. The reason for this, and its the only reason, is because of this Bionic Arm.

The ultimate bionic arm...this movie is made of win.

Anything that has flesh AND machine parts is awesome. In fact I remember my first cyborg video gaming experience as a child. Playing a game called Bioforge, which put you in the shoes of a cyborg creation trying to escape a futuristic prison on another planet...fuck, that was a good game. AND THEY NEVER MADE A SEQUEL! *ahem* I have gone off topic haven't I? Oh yes, biotic arm. The greatest tool that can be used to swing yourself places, launch yourself into enemies, launch projectiles into enemies and so on. It is a pretty cool idea that has been well executed.

1) Originality - 4 - The robotic arm was an original concept back on the NES
2) Fun Factor - 4 - Multi-tasking weapons are always fun to use
3) Gore Gauge - 3 - It grabs, rips, launches and whips
4) Ease of use - 1 - Needs much practice to master

The Lightsaber - Star Wars Titles (and No More Hero's)

You were a kid and you first watched a Lightsaber battle take place, it was the first time you got an erection, wasn't it? Well, that's because Lightsaber's are the sexiest melee weapon to watch clash. Not only do they look amazing but the sound they make...Vwoooommmm, Cshhhh, Woooww...yeah, that's sexy.

Some of these fan made videos are better than the film duels

Let's be honest with ourselves here, the main reason any of the more recently released Star Wars prequels were any good was because of the Lightsaber duels. There was no emotion, no message behind it all and NO HAN SOLO! Instead the more recent generation got Jar Jar Binks. I just wish somebody took one of these things to his head and made Episode 1 a hell of a lot better to watch.

1) Originality - 5 - A glowing sword made out of energy, pretty original
2) Fun Factor - 3 - Now that we have the Wii, we can live it.
3) Gore Gauge - 3 - Burns through a victim like a giant laser
4) Ease of use - 2 - Not the easiest people to use, but effective

The Big 'Fuck off' Sword - Various Titles (Mostly JRPG's)
As suggested by TheCleaning Guy

Key elements for a Japanese Role Playing Game go as follows: Big Hair - Check, Big Eyes - Check, Big World - Check, Big amount of linearity - Check, Big Tits - Check, Big Video Sequences - Check, Big Story - Check, Big Boss Fights - Check...and BIG FUCK OFF SWORD - Check!

This guy scares the fuck out of me!

The idea of a sword larger than the person welding it is pretty cool. It pretty much sets in stone that we are in no way being involved in a game that is trying to reflect realism and instead is faced on fantasy. However it is not just JRPG's that incorporate these massive swords into them. Silent Hill's epic Pyramid Head makes sure he doesn't leave the house without his massive death blade, and either does Dante of Devil May Cry. I may be leaving a few out here, so feel free to let me know. But long story short, big swords are awesome.

1) Originality - 5 - It's a flying pirate ship...need I say more?
2) Fun Factor - 4 - It was a pain in the arse, but god damn fun
3) Gore Gauge - 2 - No blood and guts, but lots of death
4) Ease of use - 5 - We don't use it, but the console has no problem with it

Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device - Portal

While not so much a weapon and more or a tool, it can be used for a great many things. Teleportation is just the start of it and you would know if you have played through the game. If you haven't...fuck off.

This really is one of those vid's that gets funnier with each view

The first time I used the 'Portal Gun' it nearly caved my head in. Being able to see yourself falling through a hole you created, launching yourself across the room using the momentum you build from falling, getting motion sensors to attack themselves...and the lovely companion cube to which I still request a rule 34 on. Bring on using the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device in the real world and not in test chambers...I can't wait.

1) Originality - 3 - Unreal Tournament covered something like this, but not as creative
2) Fun Factor - 5 - The fun literally never stops with this thing
3) Gore Gauge - 0 - It can be used AS a weapon but is not a weapon
4) Ease of use - 3 - A slight learning curve is required to use it properlly
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About Samuel Dillingerone of us since 1:58 AM on 06.24.2008

Currently Playing:

...A lot of stuff

I like to fap...a lot.

I have been on Destructoid for a little and have grown to really love it's community. I love to write articles on gaming and I find it easy to do with Destructoid. I am currently studying a Bachelor Degree of Communication (Journalism), so that one day I can hope to do this professionally.

While studying I jump from job to job like crazy because I don't want to do anything but write, and while that may sound reckless, I assure you that I really couldn't live any other way if I tried.

I just want to say thanks to everybody involved with Destructoid including every reader, community blogger and contributor. It really is an amazing place in the digital, shit infested swamp lands of the internet.

I am a proud member of the Refused Classification panel also consisting of Destructoid members Puppy Licks and DanMazkin, which brings to the plate a fortnightly Destructoid only podcast and soon to be video content which will also be featuring guest appearances from gaming celebs such as the Masterchief.

I also write on Stereotoid; a weekly shift in the Earth's crust where the greatest music from all time seeps forth and pushes its way into our ears then forces us to write about it through mental fuckism. If you understood that, then well done.

P.S - One day I will write for Destructoid...That's right Niero! I'M COMING FOR YOU MOTHER FUCKER!
Mii code:[email protected]


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