AND WE'RE BACK! Ladies and gents, if you recall, last year I did a Real-Time Suck Movie Review of the god-awful video game movies Stay Alive
and Gamebox 1.0
. Well, in honor of the Mortal Kombat Podtoid this week, I thought I'd bring back the RTS movie reviews with 1994's smash blockbuster Double Dragon. Like last time, I watched the movie, making notes about scenes, and said notes are presented below for you to enjoy, should you ever force yourself to watch this movie. Enjoy!
0:01 "Somewhere In China". Thanks for being specific, subtitle!
0:02 OH NO! There's a shaolin village being attacked by a band of ninja-thieves...run by an Afghani woman?
0:02:15 Ah, the old cutting-out-your-tongues-to-keep-a-secret trick. It's practically by the book for shaolin monks.
0:03 These monks must LOVE Bed Bath and Beyond. Where the hell else are they gonna get that many tea lights?
0:04 Ahahaha! The setting is New Angeles, 7 years after the "big quake" (and said quake is what caused RP to wake from the Earth to look for the Double Dragons). And narrating the backstory is Robert Patrick, with hair that can ONLY have been kept up with the gel the T-1000 is made out of.
0:05 Oh, wow, SOMEONE knows how to use Pro-Tools: RP just started shimmering before turning paper-thin.
0:06 And we've somehow changed scenes to the finale of Karate Kid...and there's an aftershock. Umm...is it possible to HAVE aftershocks 7 years after the initial earthquake? That can't be right. Also, we're introduced to Billy Lee, played by some Party of 5 kid, and Jimmy Lee, played amazingly by the Iron Chef Chairman. Seriously.
0:07 BILLY LEE NOOGIES HIS OPPONENT. Apparently, that's not allowed in underground city-wide karate competitions (which is bullshit).
0:07:45 JACK CITY NEEDS TO EXIST.
0:09 And now, the greatest news team ever; George Hamilton and Vannah White, plus Andy Dick with the weather. I think this is officially the greatest dystopian future ever.
0:11 Driving home from The NA City Invitational Underground Karate Tournament, in a 3rd rate Ecto 1, Billy, Jimmy, and Random Asian Sidekick get jumped by a gang headed up by...ABOBO!?!?! Holy shit, they actually stayed faithful to the game?
0:13 See? They even have the part in the game where you're driving a garbage-fueled car, being chased by a computer-controlled Hummer/monster truck. Wait...
0:16 And, as always, the day is saved by Cheese Whiz.
0:17 Billy: "My life just passed before my eyes. Man, I sleep a lot." Oh, you lazy, goofy fucker.
0:18 Jimmy (to Abobo): "Hey, broomhead." Billy: "We're gonna sweep the floor with your skull." I can't believe God would allow that line to exist.
0:19 Holy shit, they've even got Marion, who's now the leader of street gang Power Corps, and portrayed for the silver screen by Alyssa Milano. Fuck. Yes.
0:23 Ok, now shit's getting boring. At least the chick with the whip from DD is here as RP's assistant.
0:24 NEWS FLASH: Madonna has just divorced Tom Arnold, is moving to Paris.
0:28 Ooo, a new fight scene! Apparently, the Lee bros. live in the fucking Eliminator from American Gladiators. And they're being chased by random twin asian guys.
0:31 Sweet Lord this fight is awful. At least the Chairman knows some awesome kung-fu moves.
0:32 WHAT KIND OF GOD WOULD ALLOW THAT ABOMINATION TO EXIST??!?!?!
0:33 Mark it, I'm 33 min. in, and I already want to shove Billy's head up Abobo's ass to shut him the fuck up.
0:34 RP pulls his shadow trick again, and can somehow play piano. Apparently know one making this movie knows how a shadow works.
0:37 RP blows up the Agro Crag with random Asian sidekick still inside. Goodbye, whoever you are; we hardly gave a shit about ya.
0:38 Is it bad that I burst out laughing when Billy started crying?
0:39 BATTLE OF THE CENTURY: Robert Patrick vs. The creepy dude from the original Last House on The Left.
0:40 ...AND PATRICK TAKES IT WITH A FORCE CHOKE. Seriously, I can't make this shit up.
0:42 I just realized something; they have yet to explain how the whitest guy in existence and an Asian guy are brothers.
0:45 And here comes trouble: RP put out an APB to all the gangs in NA to take out the Lees. Somehow we've wandered into The Warriors.
0:46 Oh, my God: a mailman just lunged off a building, at the Lees, while screaming "SPECIAL DELIVERY! AIR MAIL!" Just...wow.
0:49 Why...why is there a high-speed boat chase IN A DOUBLE DRAGON MOVIE?!? And, yes, since this is the future, the boats have computers on them.
0:53 Great line from RP: "I just want total domination of ONE major American city. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR!?!?"
0:56 At Power Corps' HQ, Marion is torturing Abobo for info using...a funnel...and spinach. Wonder if that torture is as bad as sitting through this movie?
0:58 Ok, Power Corps HQ is oficially the greatest place to live. Ever.
1:01 Time to sneak into RP's tower! And, oddly enough, we get a scene of the Lee bros. fighting over who gets to stare at Marion's ass while they make their way through a vent. Priceless.
OK, she does have a great ass, but still.
1:04 Wow: trying to steal back a piece of the DD medallion, they use fishing line and a pin. What, didn't have a stick and some gum handy?
1:07 Umm...Ok, apparently RP can posess people now. Great.
1:10 OH NO! Jimmy's in danger! Wake me up when I give a shit.
1:11 Channel 69, lol.
1:13 Oh, yeah, there's a sub-plot about Marion's dad being chief of police. Yes, it's fucking boring.
1:15 Best. Line. Ever. There's a raid on the Power Corps HQ, and Lash (chick with whip) beats up Marion, saying "Who's the boss now?" AWESOME!
1:16 The music in this scene makes me jealous of the deaf.
1:17 Haha, they keep Abobo locked up in the bathroom from 8 Mile.
1:18 YAY JIMMY'S BACK. And he just raised his eyebrow at the camera. If I had a vagina, it'd be wet right now.
1:20 Shocker: Billy and Jimmy fight next to a Double Dragon cabinet. Who didn't see this coming FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE?
1:22 Wow, RP has somehow split into 2 shadow dragon warriors after getting both DD medalions. GET IT LOL? God, this movie is even making me start to hate myself.
1:23 RP: "You're weak like your father." Billy: "You're ugly like your mother." BURN.
1:25 Wow, those are the flashiest karate gis ever created.
1:27 ...and that was the gayest high-five ever.
1:30 Finally, this goddamn shitfest is over. Honestly, I'm glad I saw it for free, but I'd be sooooo much happier if I paid to see this, but was completely drunk.