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VIDEO GAME - The Movie


Oh yes people, forget everything you know about video game film adaptions because I came across a cataclysmic discovery on my lengthened trip to LA. Being a person of, lets say...original persona, I am not the kind of person that finds walking around of Hollywood Boulevard and taking photos of the pavement very stimulating, and as such I decided to set out and do the things I could only experience there such as; checking out the two dimensional everyday life of the collective who choose to call that location home by overdosing in a night club, defecating on the move while rollerblading down Venice Beach wearing nothing on the exception of some short shorts and a sidewards baseball cap, punching Arnold Schwarzenegger in the face for disproving the long time belief that steroids bring forth small cocks (He is hung like a fucking donkey) and last but not least breaking into Warner Bros. Studios and raiding their archives to find the upcoming projects that are in the works.

I managed to pull a Sam Fisher and hide in the darkness about 2 feet away from security while I cracked a safe, scanned the documents and left without leaving behind a shred of evidence. Check out the what is set to be either the biggest load of shit, or possibly the most awesome creation to hit the big screens in the near future.

VIDEO GAME - The Movie (Abridged Script)
By M. Night Shyamalan, Joe Eszterhas, Akiva Goldsman, Darryl Quarles & Hideo Kojima

This abridged script is the confidential and proprietary property of Universal Studios and no portion of it may be performed, distributed, reproduced, used, quoted or published without prior written permission.

4000 Warner Boulevard
Burbank, California 91522

Fade up on:
Int. High Class Strip Club - Early Morning
A body is slumped on the podium table, still seated.

Mario enters from the owners room out the back.

Mario, [Hard Italian accent which plays on his words], (Looking extremely aggrovated)
Whata the fuck justa happened here?!

Luigi enters through the front door

Luigi, [Hard Italian accent which plays on his words], (Very worried)
Security tolda me that dis man came in, sat at the table, started to calla all tha girls we had dancing from ze Dead or Alive tournament, sluts that hava aids...so they beata tha shit outa him ...now he dead.

I hava no time to deal with this petty shit...I am trying to runa drug racket outa the back here, get somebody to clean up this mess before we get rightfully fucked uppa tha arse.

Luigi claps his hands.

Sonic the Hedgehog comes storming in, nostrils flared and red from snorting copulas amounts of blow, he places himself next to Luigi as Mario walks back into the owners room.

Clean upa the mess and you have more cocaine yes?

Sonic, hanging his head in addicted shame walks to the body. As he lifts the body off the table top he catches a glimpse of who it is and lets go in shock. The unidentified muscly man slams back onto the table top, face first. A pair of black sunglasses that were resting on the table smash under the force of his face.

Sonic, looks up at Luigi, still in shock.

Do you know who this is?!

Does it matter?!

Sonic, [Elevating his voice in distress], (starting to panic)
The 3D Realms Crew caved in not too long ago yeah?! This was their main man!

Mario, [walks out from the owners room again]
Who gives a fuck eh? You saida yourself that his crew isa dead!

That's not the point, he was extremely popular

Mario, [Stares blankly at Sonic]

It means that their are going to be other crews that will be looking to sign him up, things could get ugly

Mario, [Laughs]
Let them come, they cannot beata me, I ama numba one in gaming...I ama Nintendo!

Sonic, [Imitating Mario]
You are a number one Italian fathead who willa get his heada caved in!

Luigi, [Slaps Sonic in the back of the head]
Watcha yourself, remember we owna you now!

Sonic, [Getting aggravated]
Like I could forget! You are milking the fucken blood out of me! Sonic and the Black Knight? What the fuck are you doing to me!? Do you know who the Black Knight is...its Lexinton Steel, the black porn star with a 12" fat cock! Is this what you want for me!?

The front door slams open and a cold wind comes flying in and stops everybody...Footsteps are then heard in the distant darkness, a silhouette in front of the full moon is a approaching the door, he comes into the light...it is...Solid Snake.

Mario, [Looking snake up and down]
Who the fucka you suppose to be? And how tha fuck did you geta in? I hada Bowser watching tha door.

Cut to Int.
Princess Peach's bedroom upstairs.

Peach is copping it hard (having intense sexual intercourse in the doggey-style position for all you virgins out there) from behind, from none other than Bowser himself.

Peach, [In between moans and groans]
I still can't believe that fat idiot hasn't figured out that I haven't been kidnapped at all! We have to stop before he finds out!

Bowser, [Smacking her ass]
But you know uh...I can eat a Peach for hours!

At that moment Nicolas Cage walks in to the bedroom

Nic Cage,
So can I!

Bowser, [Amazed at how Nic Cage just pops up everywhere now]
Good ol' Peach doesn't mind being put on the spit roast, honor me and join us Mr.Cage

Nic Cage, [Looking intense and serious]
Sure...why not?

Cut to Int.
High Class Strip Club

So who are you again?

Snake, [Looks into the distance, past Mario, as if looking at a beautiful sunset]
I am an enigma wrapped in a riddle, a shell of what a man once was...I have been sent from the dimension Sony to collect the remains of this man they call Duke Nukem so they can hopefully restore him to what he once was...the same way they did for me.

Sonic, [Staring at the massive structure of Snake]
That's nice, can you excuse me for one second.
[Turns to Mario and Luigi, whispering]
Listen, I have heard about this guy and he is fucking crazy, if you don't do what he says then I am leaving and fast.

Mario, [Ignoring Sonic, talking up to Snake]
Well, I donta really give a shit who you are! Thisa man died in my bar, and whata is mine is Nintendo's. Sony can keep its shit lika you! Now geta the fuck out before we enda you!

Sonic, [Making for the door]
Well...that's it for me, ta ta.
[Sonic runs at full speed through the door and into the distance]

Luigi, Shaking his fist
Geta back here! We stilla gonna get you to be ina 'Sonic VS Spiro' for da Wii!

Snake, [Still looking into the distance]
It would be in your best interest to do as I request, for once set on a mission I will never stop, not even at the cost of my innocence will I stop! I have battled myself time and time again in the past, and although you may think that I am talking about fighting off my inner demons...I am in fact...talking about fighting the very same person as me, in the flesh of another human, by the name of...
[Snake looks up at the sky and shakes his fists]

Cut to Ext.
Road in the distance.

Sonic, running at full speed hears the echo of Snake screaming. Begins to run faster

Cut to Int.
High Class Strip Club

Snake is still talking, Mario and Luigi are now sitting down on chairs looking extremely board.

Without me, time would stand still, without my past, time would not be, without my future, time would end. My battles have proven that not everything is what is seems, in fact my battles have proven that everything is the complete opposite of what it seems...never assume anything is certain. In fact the only thing that was ever certain is that Meryl had a great butt.


Well at leasta we now knowa that he isn't a fag

Outside, a progressive loud hovering noise can be heard approaching, it stops just overhead. A figure comes smashing through the roof and lands on Luigi...killing him. The debris and dust eventually clear and as the figure comes into focus a choir of people just outside the door start to sing a very familiar operatic tune...It is...The Master Chief.

Mario, [Losing his shit from his brother being crushed to death]
What!...Who!...Ahhh for fucka sake!...My brother isa dead!

Snake, [Still rambling]
Today my destiny shall be revealed to me...and I will grab it by the throat and choke it to death, like I would any other challenge that lay ahead of me. This fight is far from over! And I will...

Master Chief [Cutting in while getting in Snake's face]
...Finish this fight!

Snake & The Master Chief look at one another with intent to kill

Fade out,
To black.


Stay tuned for Part II of VIDEO GAME - The Movie
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About Samuel Dillingerone of us since 1:58 AM on 06.24.2008

Currently Playing:

...A lot of stuff

I am a proud member of the Refused Classification panel also consisting of Destructoid members Puppy Licks and DanMazkin, which brings to the plate a fortnightly Destructoid only podcast and soon to be video content which will also be featuring guest appearances from gaming celebs such as the Masterchief.

Mii code:[email protected]


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