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The Gamers Guide to Killing Real People


I have always wanted the kind of video game that really sets a standard in terms of realism. Like Hollywood with Film, most video game developers make Michael Bay style shit that has packed lots of punch and no plot. Discussing this with my friends in the car on the way in to an epic night of drinks, tits and memory loss, we came to the decision that us gamers are obviously undereducated.

Face it, if our gaming brethren in the past were told the FACTS of how things really worked, then they would have gotten away with all those high school shootings. They would have been able to walk in, kill everyone, leave and never be found again. Though I'll be honest with you, I sure as hell would have done the same thing if it was a scenario in Fallout 3; Save, Kill everybody who deserves to live, check out the after effects and then reload the strategically saved game before I had put myself eye deep in shit. Unfortunately the last part isn't in the structure of real life.

Kudos to the obviously intellectual men and women who have taken the time out of their fun filled day to put down their video game control, pick up a real gun and chase after the pink mist at their local school, shopping mall or even child daycare center. They do so well...up until the very last part where there is no other option but to end their own killing streak by taking the honorable way out with a bullet to the head without realizing that autosave didn't exactly go into effect when they walked through the front door.

If you feel that your next moves are picking up a gun, taking a stroll, and observing how a person reacts to a few bullets flying through them, be sure to read this before you leave. It just may be your saving grace.

Chapter 1 - Keeping in Good Health

First things first, a healthy psychopath is something we can all enjoy on occasion. But if our fellow brothers and sisters get influenced by a video game to go out and kill some things (and rightfully so) then they need to know the difference between a night in the hospital and a fucking egg.

The video game world will have you believe that they are the same thing but let me assure you, I played through the resident evil trilogy and Capcom just wants people to eat eggs. Perhaps Capcom's shareholders also own an egg farm, or maybe they watched Rocky one too many times and thought to themselves, if eggs can make this fat Italian smash Apollo Creed to the floor, then they must be good. Either way, food and even medical kits have been used very inaccurately.

Gaming, these days will have you think that if you want to gain some health after losing a substantial amount you just have to walk away for 10 seconds and then presto, the invisible, magic, faggotry fairy will wave his wand and you will be Captain Rape again. Unfortunately this is also a myth.

I'm the kind of person that usually walks onto a city block and starts ranting on about how everybody else around me is less worthy of life in comparison to say...somebody like myself. This usually results in me getting my head smacked in, and from my experience, running off and hiding for a few seconds DOES NOT put you back into the full swing of things. In fact standing still without medical aid usually worsens it due to blood loss. So next time you are out setting fire to peoples houses, be sure to be at a safe distance before lighting the match.

Health - Quick Facts

* Medkits are not scattered all over the ground and if they were, stepping on them wouldn't do much and they would do fuck all anyway. I have used a medkit at work and they do not contain all the things your body will be missing after a grenade going off in your face.

* A bullet or stab wound is not exactly something that can go away easily.

* Pain killers are not health, though many games and also the current state of society will have you think that taking a Marilyn Monroe dose of these pills is the equivalent of staying 3 nights in a hospital twith Megan Fox, Gemma Atkinson and Keeley Hazel at your personal aid, wearing nothing at all and sitting on your face.

Health - Quick Tips

* If you are in need of practice before heading out into your local town and taking lives, play your video games on the hardest difficulty. Not only will this frustrate you to the point of killing, it will also help you understand how very delicate your own body is and in turn will help you to be much more cautious. I recommend Call of Duty 4 on Veteran Difficulty while only using a knife.

* Before you begin painting your streets red, go to the local hospital and kidnap a doctor. One thing Team Fortress 2 has taught me is that if you have a Doc near by, you can get through a hell of a lot more aggressive situations.

* While your at the Hospital, steel an ambulance. If you do flat line, you can always use a Defibrillator to get yourself back into the swing of things...wait.

Chapter 2 - Guns, Ammo & Gear

While not being a resident of the proud U.S of A, I can still understand to some extent why you choose to keep in constant circulation the flow of Weaponry and put such harsh restrictions on Video Gaming. We all know to some small degree , us video gamers are trained killing machines, secretly and unknowingly building ourselves up to becoming the most brutal of thugs, murderers, rapists and thieves. Only a select few of us have realized our potential and put their obsession into real action. However, it is obvious, judging by the outcome of our brother and sister's actions, that they did not prepare themselves well enough. Read carefully and apply yourself to this text and you will be able to bring your town population to zero before the fascist authorities even know what has happened.

First of all, forget all those late 1980's montages you saw of Arnold Schwarzenegger gearing up before heading out to rape the many bad men that awaited his mighty win, because you being the emo, picked on, tiny pimple of a volcano that is about to erupt with deathly rage, will have nowhere near the same amount of killing devices to use, nor the muscle capacity to hold most of them up. But as Bioshock has taught us, we can always make our own devices of death and this is something those smart chaps from Columbine noted (Although to be technical, Bioshock wasn't even in the making at this time...but you get my point) and put into effect.

Unfortunately most of our gamer turned killer brethren seem to think that all you need is a few pistols, maybe a shotgun and some explosives...but let's be honest here, beggars can't be choosers can they? However, making a statement this important and leaving an impression for the rest of the world on how to perceive the rest of us gamers, is a statement that should be backed up with heavy research and even more preparation. If you haven't got the tools for the job, don't do it. You need to make sure you have stocked up on all NECESSARY items. If you live in the mighty U S of A, you should have no problem finding them. If you live anywhere else...move to the US and take it out on them. Most of the world does anyway, including themselves.

A Realistic List of Hardware you will need to perform local genocide:

* Combat Knife - Be sure to execute your first hostage with a knife so people know you mean business

* Silencer - It would be a a lot harder to find you, if you couldn't be heard...duh

* Automatic Weapon - Sure a shotgun packs punch, but can it take down 10 people in 5 seconds?

* Rocket Launcher - Even if it is used to end yourself...what a way to go

* Claymore Mines - On entry, these should be set up to avoid capture and detect opposition

* Ninja Smoke Balls - These things are the shit

A Realistic List of what is to be left behind:

* Camo Paint - It's stupid since you are in suburbia and you will look like a cadet who didn't pass his phyc-test

* Your Heart - She is crying, She has children and she has your gun to her head...can you do it?

* Black Clothing - Stop wearing the black clothes for fuck sake, it's not hardcore...in fact it is beyond try-hard, wanna-be bad arse...if you want to go out in true revolutionary fashion, wear some MC Hammer Pants, rainbow suspenders and a Russian flap hat. You would be the poster boy for teenagers with angst for the next millennium.

Guns, Ammo & Gear - Quick Tips

* Be sure to test out your home made weaponry on your neighbors pets, it will guarantee you keep your limbs and everybody else will loose theirs.

* Dress hostages up in black clothing and give them your guns once your ammo has depleted. They will get shot and blamed for all you have done and you can walk out as a potential victim.

* Do NOT for one second question your motives and reason for doing what it is you are doing, you have obviously thought this through and have a valid reason for taking the lives of the moronic innocent. Make your family proud.

Final Chapter - One Life and No Save Points

That's right people, believe it or not the game society has dubbed 'Real Life' is a game like no other. Think of it like this; if it were available on the Xbox 360 you would have to spend a year learning how to walk, 2 more years learning how to be an annoying little shit, another 2 years till you can start being educated and prepared for an amazingly and unknowingly fascist society, spend 6 years doing that and then keep going until you hit the area in life where they start getting you ready to handle adulthood...then after spending 17 years of your life getting to his level...the level in this game where the entire world is at your fingertips, you decide to make things interesting by smoking a crack pipe, storming into your parents bedroom in the middle of the night with a kitchen knife and a pizza cutter and try to recreate a Pablo Picasso painting using their soul bags as canvases. It isn't too long before you realize your game is now fucked and you decide to end it.

All that game progress and no save points? You can't even restart...The console has even been programed to melt the fucking disc so that it and the console holding it gone...for good. But it doesn't stop there, oh no. There was only one copy of this game released, and YOU had it. There were millions of other people out there who wanted it in the condition you had it, MILLIONS! They would have killed to have had it and ironically you killed to loose it...You fucking idiot.

Dedicated to the stupid fuckwits that end other peoples lives to give theirs meaning and to their parents who obviously didn't do their job as guardians and most of all, to the general public that seem to think video games are a great place to point the finger at instead of something more obvious...such as Arms Dealing and an incapable Law Structure.

P.S- If you give a shit about anything to do with gaming, be sure to check out Destructoid's own; Refused Classification
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About Samuel Dillingerone of us since 1:58 AM on 06.24.2008

Currently Playing:

...A lot of stuff

I am a proud member of the Refused Classification panel also consisting of Destructoid members Puppy Licks and DanMazkin, which brings to the plate a fortnightly Destructoid only podcast and soon to be video content which will also be featuring guest appearances from gaming celebs such as the Masterchief.

Mii code:[email protected]


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