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LONG BLOG

E3 Revelations and Predictions: Y0j1mb0 Edition

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My fellow Forumer and all around tequila drinking studdette Riot Monster has recently created a wonderful series of E3 predictions that can be seen right here. Having perused through these I came to the conclusion that while they are informative, they lack a certain je ne se quois. I believe that this is due to the fact that for all intents and purposes her predictions are reality anchored. My predictions as well as my revelations are not shackled with such trivialities as reasonable assumptions or truth. What follows below are things that if they did happen would be:

A. Plausible.
B. No Brainer.
C. Not in a million years.
D. Kick ass for all parties involved.

Now sit, please. As I give you a private reading, a glimpse into the future. Let me look unto my crystal ball, concentrate, and chant the gypsy incantation that will part the fabric of time and space and show me what may be, what could be, what will be and what never was. Yes, its all become clearer now. I see...

Nintendo:

* Nintendo will proclaim that they have not left their hardcore gamers behind to focus on just the casual gamers. To prove this new found mission statement they will unleash upon an expectant E3 crowd the Wii!!

In NEW COLORS !!

*Nintendo will finally unveil their new IP called Wii Shake this Nunchuck like an Idiot. The game will be demoed by the master game maker himself Shigeru Miyamoto. He will explain that the inspiration for his new game came to him in a vision while he was using a pepper shaker on his food. He thought "Wouldn't it be fun if we had a game where you could just isolate the shaking mechanism by itself as the focus for a game? Through different scenarios, shaking the nunchuck like an idiot would be a fresh experience as well as a universal one that old and young gamers alike can enjoy"

*Yes a new Pikmin for the Wii will be demoed.

*A new Madworld sequel will be shown. This time it will be longer than your average game demo.

*Series producer Shigesato Itoi drops the bombshell that Mother 4 is in production for the Wii. He then shows a trailer to a stunned crowd. Dtoid's own Chad upon viewing it has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital.

*Square/Enix unveils a new Kingdom Hearts... exclusively for the Wii.

*Nintendo finally drops friend codes and treads the murky online waters of pedophiles like Sony & Microsoft.

*Ogre Battle for the Wii debuts!

*The Conduit will be the greatest third party achievement. All who play it are pleased as punch to see a quality effort by other developers aside from Nintendo's 1st parties. Looking further in the future the game will flop.

*Kid Icarus is confirmed.

Zack & Wiki: The Quest for The Golden Anchor is shown and I have a heart attack and get rushed to the hospitable. Consequently Chad and I upon feeling better grab some hospital garb and pretend we're doctors.

*Nintendo Dsi will have more software that wont work intuitively due to movement in the game being handled by the gimmicky cameras. To combat negative feedback they will also debut more NEW COLORS for the Dsi.

Microsoft:

*Another teaser trailer of Alan Wake is shown with more dynamic fog and cryptic flashes of gameplay. The trailer ends with "Coming soon". Looking further into the future the game is quietly shelved due to everybody working on it either jumping ship or getting canned.

*Crackdown 2 is shown, is glorious, has even more orbs and includes six player co-op.

*CliffyB shows off yet another new haircut and unveils Gears of War: The Blood Chronicles, a 32 player multiplayer only affair that actually has no bugs or glitches, runs smoothly and has clan support. The game focuses on humanity's struggle in the war and for the first time you can alternate your camera view from third person to 1st person on the fly.

*The yearly subscription to an Xbox LIVE gold membership is reduced to 29.99.

*Square/Enix displays snippets of new gameplay footage of two more mediocre JRPGs that have nothing to do with Final Fantasy exclusively for the 360.

*The Zune HD will be integrated more with the 360 allowing you not only to play your Netflicks movies purchased from your console but your downloadable games as well.

*Metal Gear is finally confirmed for the 360.

*Microsoft kicks it up a huge notch and announces their new price point for their Arcade Edition 360 @ 99.99. The console war officially ends right then and there.

*Valve shows even more episodes for Left for Dead as well as new zombie types that change the way the game is played.

*Sega confirms Panzer Dragoon Saga HD exclusively for the 360 with gorgeous graphics and multiplayer included.

Sony:

*Uncharted 2 , Heavy Rain, and MAG will be shown and will actually ship before the holiday season.

*Sony will not have a price cut of the PS3 because they're stupid.

*Twisted Metal is shown for the system.

*Sony will release a new firmware that will finally have Cross-game /Party Chat as well as SKYPE function on the same day E3 begins.

*Incognito will show off their next iteration of Warhawk, this time the scope is broadened as battles are in space. Starhawk will have the same mechanics as their last game with 60 player multiplay, even more diverse vehicles of transportation. From huge starship battles to planetside skirmishes, as well as fully customizable ships. Incognito will ramp up the intensity of multiplayer shenanigans.

*Team Ico's new game will be shown and everybody will be floored by it.

*Sony will introduce PS2 Classics on the PSN store to go alongside the PSN Classics.

*A new Legend of Dragoon is announced. SilverDragon has a heart attack and joins Chad and myself in the hospital.

*Mass Effect and its sequel will be coming to the PS3 on the same Blu-ray disc.

*Two words: Persona 5 exclusively for the PS3.

Other Notables:

*Square/Enix will actually grow a brain, realize they can make a shit ton of money and announce that Final Fantasy VII the remake is indeed in the making.

*Sega finally puts out The Dreamcast Collection Volume One.

*Capcom unveils Marvel vs Capcom 3.

Sega shows a teaser trailer of their new upcoming game...Jet Set Radio Online.

Tecmo brings news of a new Deception in the making.

Thus my reading of the crystal ball ends. Will any of these come to pass? Could it be that I actually do have sight beyond sight? Should I let my hair grow as long as depicted on that pic above? Many questions asked. Only time will tell.

That will be ten dollars for your reading.
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About Y0j1mb0one of us since 8:17 PM on 11.17.2007



Veni, vidi, vici.

Name: Francisco *AKA* Y0j1mb0

Age: 38. I'm the residential Old Geezer of Destructoid & You Tube Superstar.



Likes: Poker, Roast Beef Sandwiches, unsolicited sex, video games of all genres.

Dislikes: Elitist Pricks, Hippies, People who use the words "But I digress" and "n00bz"

Consoles I Own: PS3, Wii, Xbox 360, PSP Slim, DS Lite.
[ PSN:k0wb0y-b33b0p - Friend Code: 0774-3918-3804 - LIVE: y0j1mb0 ]


Founding Member of The Official Destructoid Beard Club and once Proud Reserve Recap Cblogger.

Past proprietor of PS3 Friday Night Fights and PS3's Poker Nights

For those who are weird and may actually want to read more of my stuff here are things off the blog I do. Occasionally I wrote for Flixist, a rad movie site where, get this, we talked about and reviewed movies. I have long since stopped writing there ( and here ) as I feel like I've said all I have had cooped up in my head without sounding redundant.

Epic Card Courtesy of The Ghost.


Xbox LIVE:y0j1mb0
PSN ID:k0wb0y-b33b0p
BattleNET:[email protected]
Mii code:0774-3918-3804


 

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