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LONG BLOG

Weapon of Choice - Volume 4

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My...how long has it been? I have truly missed talking shit to the masses. So I would like to apologize for my belated absence and blame it on working a full time job which sapped my will to live and train of thought. Now that I kicked it out of my life, I feel like Astro Boy after he was remade...Well animated and shit! But enough of this, we all know you came here for the latest and much anticipated chapter of The Weapon of Choice...

Let's be out with the obvious. We love to kill things, and because we love to kill in video games, it stops us from picking up a knife and killing our family in real life...well, that's how it works for me anyway. But in all seriousness, the more gruesome and original the face of death is within a video game, the more enthralled we are as human beings.

We crave for blood and when it flows we sit up and pay attention. Directly. Let us recap on the direct killing methods which I believe to be the greatest...

Volume 1 Recap:

* Sniper Rifles - Various Titles
* Flame Throwers - Various Titles
* The Cerebral Bore - Turok 2
* The Gravity Gun - Half Life 2
* The Fat Man - Fallout 3
* The Entire Ninja 2 Gaiden Arsenal
* The Hand of God - Rise of the Triads
* The Lancer - Gears of War (2)

Volume 2 Recap:

* The BFG 9000 - Doom Series
* Blades of Chaos - God of War Trilogy
* Remote & Proximity Mines - Goldeneye 007
* The Tek Bow - Turok Series
* The Combat Knife - Various Titles
* The Plasma Grenade - Halo Trilogy
* The Shrink Ray - Duke Nukem 3D
* The Chainsaw - Doom Series

Volume 3 Recap:

* The Translocator Gun - Unreal Tournament Series
* The Plastic Bag - Manhunt
* Nevan - Devil May Cry 3
* The BLUE Shell - Mario Kart Series
* Altair's Blade - Assassinís Creed
* The BattleMech - Mechwarrior Series
* The Shotgun - Various Titles
* The Sentry Turret - Team Fortress 2

As in the previous two articles, we will be taking a look at the most inventive and colorful ways, to end a life in a video game. From 1 to 5, this is the criteria for which the arsenal shall be judged:

1) Originality - Has it been done before and can we get it on the black market?
2) Fun Factor - Is it fun to watch the life be taken in the fashion to which it is taken?
3) Gore Gauge - Will we need maxi-pads for the clean up?
4) Ease of use - Speaks for itself (Changed as suggested by Jozo)

Of course I have not played every single video game the world has had to offer, so if you can contribute to the topic in any way, please feel free to do so. Today we will start with what people suggested in the previous installments.


The Darkness - The Darkness
As suggested by Puppy Licks

Mike Patton...that is usually enough of a reason for something to be totally awesome. However because many people have no idea who Mike Patton is (If you do, feel free to let me your favorite song / band of his) so I will elaborate. Playing an Italian gangster is cool enough, but playing an Italian gangster who is possessed by a heart feeding, assisting demon from hell is the coolest concept I have ever heard. Normally having a wide selection of guns is fine with me, but having a wide selection of both guns and demonic powers brings this game to a whole new level of awesome.


Early trailer of The Darkness showing the true power of Evil

If you haven't played this, I thoroughly recommend you head out there and get yourself a copy because you can kind it for a very reasonable price now considering it was released quite some time ago. If you have played it and don't agree with me when I say that being able to impale your victim with a demonic arm, eat their hearts, create black holes, summon demons and eat shadows are the most amazing things you can do in a game, then you are plain and simply a fuckhead.

1) Originality - 4 - Having demonic powers had been done, but never like this
2) Fun Factor - 5 - It never gets old and is always entertaining
3) Gore Gauge - 5 - It eats the victims hearts out of their bodies for fuck sake
4) Ease of use - 2 - Not the easiest to control, but well worth the skill needed


The Hadoken - The Streetfighter Series

In terms of iconic, this sets the standard. When people think of Streetfighter they think of this and it is because it is (or was) an original concept; A fighter being able to tap into his fighting ability to result in channeling his Chi into energy. Not so much a weapon but the direct result of the weapons (being the fighters) themselves, it has built up to be more of an icon for fighting games than what Michael Jordan is for basketball.


If only the Hadoken looked this cool in the game ey?

The recently released Streetfighter IV includes more than 6 fighters that are capable of using the Hadoken proving that is the most popular move used in fighting games today. While not the greatest move for taking away damage it is a great way to counter or distract your opponent while pulling off another move in a very tight-knit sequence.

1) Originality - 2 - For the time it was, now it is like air
2) Fun Factor - 3 - Always fun having an Hadoken face off
3) Gore Gauge - 1 - No blood, but sometimes sets fire to victims
4) Ease of use - 5 - If you can't pull this off, you have no thumbs


Tina - The Dead or Alive Series
As suggested by DanMazkin

There is not much that can be said about this, but I am going to do my best to say everything that could ever be said about this woman being a vital weapon against males and females alike. Here is what we as gamers know; Tits are good, great...god! Austrian psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud came up with a theory on why humanity (males in particular) are obsessed with breasts based on the fact that as children we are breast fed and always craved to be a the tit to get some more of mothers milk. Being the first thing we ever crave from birth, it stays within our heads. The need and the obsession with large breasts. It may sound lame, but it is proven. The bigger the breasts, the more milk they have and Tina has the biggest breasts in the Dead of Alive series (I did my research). We salivate for the milk at a young age and then just salivate over the delivery device themselves. Classic example of this is smoking cigarettes, people don't love the chemicals being taken into their body, they just love the delivery device of the chemicals, aka, the cigarette.


I would say MOAR!, but this already gives it.

To cut a long story short, this woman (if she really existed) would be the envy of every woman and the need of every (heterosexual) male. The only time she would be fucked is if she ran into an army of gay men...which these days isn't that hard to come by.

1) Originality - 2 - Big breasts aren't exactly uncommon these days with surgery and all
2) Fun Factor - 5 - Gravity and Physics have all kinds of effects on her
3) Gore Gauge - 3 - Once every 28 days she will bleed for 3 to 5 days straight
4) Ease of use - 3 - Easy on the thumbs as well as the eyes


"Would you Kindly?" - Bioshock *SPOILER ALERT*
As suggested by RonBurgandy2010
You have been warned about this being a spoiler, but if you haven't played this game all the way through by now, you deserve to have it wrecked for you.

Who would have thought that playing a linear game would be put into the main story plot of you as the main character taking orders without knowing about it. Subconsciously controlled by the simple phrase "Would you Kindly?". Building yourself up to be the greatest weapon a game has ever seen, completing the tasks for the very man you are trying to get even with. It was the "Oh fuck!" gaming moment of the decade and nothing else even came close (except for the first viewing of the Dead or Alive Extreme 2 intro).


Watching this trailer makes me want to mainline funky shit

The eventual powers this man had control of were incredible and because he was used as an instrument to get certain jobs done, he is classified as a weapon himself. Being able to control a great number of things such as Telepathy, Ice, Fire, Insects and many more, as well as having an extended arsonal...The main man in this game is definitely one of the greatest weapons ever made...and he was made.

1) Originality - 5 - Mind control is not uncommon, but the sheer shock of it all is full on
2) Fun Factor - 5 - Like The Darkness, this man's powers never get old fast
3) Gore Gauge - 4 - While not the most extreme case of gore, it still sets standards
4) Ease of use - 2 - In the heat of battle, it takes skill to use the powers correctly


Mega Buster - Mega Man Series
As suggested by TheCleaningGuy

Nostalgia is a bitch and Megaman is one of the main causes of this within the gaming industry. Never tiring with age are his titles as well as the concept of the character himself. His main weapon has taken many changes and names over the course of his long life span so to save some time, I have listed them below:

1- Mega Buster / Arm Cannon
The first Mega Buster, originally known simply as Plasma and Arm Cannon in the first three Mega Man games. It can fire three bullets at a time that, with the exception of the remake Mega Man Powered Up, can pass through walls.

2- New Mega Buster
The New Mega Buster is an upgrade made in Mega Man 4. It can be charged to cause more damage.

3- Super Mega Buster
Super Mega Buster is a modification made by Dr. Cossack in Mega Man 5. The charged shot gets more power, but it throws Mega Man backwards in Mega Man IV and V.

4- Mega Arm
The Mega Arm is an upgrade of the Super Mega Buster that only appeared in Mega Man V for Game Boy. It can charge energy to fire Mega Man's fist like Hard Man's Hard Knuckle.

There are two items that enhances the Mega Arm:
MH: Can grab items from far away with Mega Man's hand. Costs 90 P-Chips.
CL: Can grab and attack the enemy over and over. Costs 100 P Chips.

5- Hyper Mega Buster
Hyper Mega Buster is a modification from Mega Man 6. Mega Man no longer goes backward after a Charge Shot, but he loses the charged energy if hit by an enemy.


This will be the song my future wife walks down the isle to!

1) Originality - 4 - The amount of times it has been changed is original enough
2) Fun Factor - 4 - Multi-tasking weapons are always fun to use
3) Gore Gauge - 0 - Its a gun sure...but there is NO blood
4) Ease of use - 3 - Average skill level needed to use in difficult situations


The Mini-Gun - Various Titles
As suggested by Seigfreid

Throughout the course of gaming history we have always been able to access a great range of weaponry, however nothing instills more power of a player than getting their hands on one of these puppies. Big, loud and capable to mowing down trees with bullets, this weapon has been the landmark of Bigger is Better since its invention as the Gatling Gun back in the late 1800's.


Save the mother fucking rain forest!!

The Mini-Gun is true blue American muscle, and that is evident in the fact that you need to fire a shitload of bullets in order to do damage to the target. What one bullet could do with precise accuracy using a sniper rifle, 10,000 bullets could do using a Mini-Gun. Just pull the trigger and eventually the shitstorm of bullets will hit something...The American way.

1) Originality - 3 - It has popped up in quite a few games ever since Wolfenstine 3D
2) Fun Factor - 3 - There was always fun to be had in showering people in bullets
3) Gore Gauge - 3 - Ripping flesh from bodies as the bullets fly through...*sigh*
4) Ease of use - 4 - Not hard to aim and hold down CTRL


Bowser's Flying Armater - Mario 3
As suggested by Puppy Licks

Lets face it, some of the coolest weapons in gaming are usually in the hands of the enemy. This is usually to instill fear, envy and hate which drives you to overcome and defeat the enemy in question. When you are playing as a fat Italian plumber who's only weapon is his fat arse to jump on shit, you have to question things when the enemy you are fighting against has an entire flying fleet dedicated to blowing the shit out of you.

Lets do a quick run down...Cannons, Turtles, Turtles that throw shit...I think that's it. But that's not the point; the point is that one Italian fat arse against all this is what a game is all about...against all odds, this man would normally stand NO chance. The real life equivalent to this would be getting you local deli owner and putting him in front of a blue whale and telling him to fuck it. The end result would not be pretty, but still an experience to watch.

1) Originality - 5 - It's a flying pirate ship...need I say more?
2) Fun Factor - 4 - It was a pain in the arse, but god damn fun
3) Gore Gauge - 2 - No blood and guts, but lots of death
4) Ease of use - 5 - We don't use it, but the console has no problem with it


Jarate - Team Fortress 2

Ok, so it hasn't been released for Xbox 360 or PS3 yet, but we can all hope. Still, the concept of throwing a jar filled with Aussie Sniper piss that increases the enemies damage intake, is a concept that is beyond genius. The game already has an unlimited amount of options one can dispose of their fellow opponent, from bottles to bazooka's, from shovels to Sticky Bombs....and now from Pyromaniacs to Piss.


All hail us Aussie killers!

I have always enjoyed the Engineer and usually play as a sniper only if I have to. However having a vile of urine has put into my mind that my love for having piss on me will take me to new levels of greatness once this update comes into play. Pray that it comes to consoles my friends...pray for the piss.

1) Originality - 5 - It's a jar full of piss for god sake
2) Fun Factor - 5 - It's a jar full of piss for god sake
3) Gore Gauge - 5 - It's a jar full of piss for god sake
4) Ease of use - 5 - It's a jar full of piss for god sake
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About Samuel Dillingerone of us since 1:58 AM on 06.24.2008



Currently Playing:

...A lot of stuff

I like to fap...a lot.

I have been on Destructoid for a little and have grown to really love it's community. I love to write articles on gaming and I find it easy to do with Destructoid. I am currently studying a Bachelor Degree of Communication (Journalism), so that one day I can hope to do this professionally.

While studying I jump from job to job like crazy because I don't want to do anything but write, and while that may sound reckless, I assure you that I really couldn't live any other way if I tried.

I just want to say thanks to everybody involved with Destructoid including every reader, community blogger and contributor. It really is an amazing place in the digital, shit infested swamp lands of the internet.



I am a proud member of the Refused Classification panel also consisting of Destructoid members Puppy Licks and DanMazkin, which brings to the plate a fortnightly Destructoid only podcast and soon to be video content which will also be featuring guest appearances from gaming celebs such as the Masterchief.



I also write on Stereotoid; a weekly shift in the Earth's crust where the greatest music from all time seeps forth and pushes its way into our ears then forces us to write about it through mental fuckism. If you understood that, then well done.

P.S - One day I will write for Destructoid...That's right Niero! I'M COMING FOR YOU MOTHER FUCKER!
Xbox LIVE:MR D1LL1NGER
Mii code:[email protected]


 

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