The signs are around us, fellow Dtoiders! Isn't it obvious that this so called H1-N1 "Swine Flu" is merely a ruse for the bigger threat? Let's face it, all factors of this "flu" point to zombies. Why else would the world's government seal the borders so quickly if only "minor" cases are escaping across the borders? The signs of zombiefication and the symptoms of Swine Flu are all the same: Cough, Fever, Coma, Death, and the final symptom YOUR government isn't telling you about- Reanimation. Remember the Golden Rule: The zombies' greatest weapon is ignorance.
Don't ignore the signs. Prepare! Here is a handy 10-step guide to surviving this soon-to-be pandemic.
10. Remember The Golden Rule
I cannot stress this enough people! You cannot continue to live in the veil of conspiracy! It will be too late when you're washing your dishes at night and one of the ghouls starts to pound at your door. You must take this threat seriously or the zombies will
win! Ignorance is their greatest weapon. Do not be caught unknowing. 9. Build A Barricade! Or for you young'ins, "Barricade Dat Shit, yo!"
Your flimsy wooden front door will not last five seconds against a group of voracious zombies! And what of your glass windows? They do not stand a chance! The only way for your house to withstand a zombie onslaught is to push anything you can in front of them, whether it be a dresser, a desk, a nightstand, whatever. And for your windows, try to take the 2x4 round and board them up as well as possible. Try to make a command center, a central area with a TV, food, weapons, and be sure it's the most protected area of the house.
8. Safety In Numbers!
Actually nevermind. I just got back from playing Left 4 Dead on the Xbox 360. Moving on. 7. Stockpile!
Why do you think the Merchant from Resident Evil 4 lived throughout the game? Guns, of course! Before the zombies rise, go to your local gun store and buy enough guns for a small militia. Who's the small militia, you ask? Why it's you, silly! If you come at them with guns blazing, they don't stand a chance. Remember: Gun laws are for pussies!
6. Stack up on foodstuffs!
Everyone knows that food instantly heals you. I mean, c'mon! Frank West did it, and so can you! Go to your grocery store and pack up on non-perishables, soldier! Get enough food to last a lifetime, because at the rate this is spreading, the tits are gonna go up and the shit is gonna go down.
5. Be ready to bail!
Zombies are slow and stupid. If you are attempting to get somewhere, like a barn, a boat, a helicopter, or even a plane, get ready to powerwalk! Buy some old Buns of Steel tapes (do NOT be ashamed of your purchase, although there are newer platforms to watch audio-visual programming on, the semi-outdated VHS tapes are your best bet for survival.) May I suggest Fitness Made Simple. "The REAL way to survive a zombie outbreak is with fitness made simple." -John Basedow
Everyone has needs, people! Be sure to watch porn daily, for it's a great way of stress release! Do not be ashamed, every great soldier against the undead army needs it to survive! I mean, for god sakes, look at Bill! Remember, keeping your sanity is better than completing No-Fap-Feburary! 3. DO NOT Trust The Army!
Remember: Your military is a deathtrap. They don't want witnesses. They WILL KILL YOU ON SIGHT. They are definitely a bigger threat than the undead, so please be wary when you see one of these hellspawns. They are the root of all evil, and should be treated with extreme prejudice when found.
Your greatest ally in the upcoming apocalypse is your brute strength! Be ready to bash more than shoot, because when you have zombies up the ass, nothing sends them flying like an AoE pushback attack! Another great technique is to reload while meleeing. Especially when using a shotgun, this handy trick can save your life in places such as warehouses and lighthouses.
1. Play Video Games!
This is probably the most important tip of them all- play zombie video games. How do you think Travis Touchdown got so good at what he did? ALL zombie-related video games have great tips to be learned. Whether it be taking as many pain pills as possible or using a teddy bear as a melee weapon, video games have plenty to teach us about real-life survival techniques.