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10 Reasons Why What You're Playing Sucks Compared to This Game

There has been, released not so recently as to be new, yet not so long ago to be old, a game on the market that sneaks up on you with it's greatness. I'm so simple, the game yells at you in it's first levels. Where is your god now, it asks in the later levels. It stands up against any of the AAA titles on the market right now, it blows Legendary out of the water, and it shits on wiiware. Gears of War 2, Killzone 2, these "2" games needed a game to fall back on, not realizing that their millions of dollars of development would fall short to the awesome power of a downloadable title.

In short, there is a game on the market that is better than any other game released right now, and I'll give you FACTS and REASONS why it's better than any other game on the market. But what is this mysterious game? What could make grown men sing, and grown women rape and plunder? What game makes children cry and puppies fart? What game is this, that makes unicorns shit rainbows, and crap thunder? It's simple, really.


That's right, Peggle is better than your favorite game of choice. And here's why.

1. It has an expansive single player mode. Not only the standard "adventure" mode either, once you finally tune your craft by defeating all the standard boards, you can move on to the even more challenging "challenge" mode, where rape comes standard with the cake. And even if you can make it through the challenge mode unscathed, and can retain your dignity and grace, you still need to get rid of every peg in every level to gain your final 30 gamerscore points. This game could, quite concievably, last you until the end of time.

2. Multiple pathways through each level. You think Fallout 3 had multiple ways of beating a level? That shit doesn't hold a candle to how many ways you can beat every single level in Peggle. Right or left, high or low, where you start is your business. It's all about how you play. So if you want to go sneaky and try and knock out the bottom orange pegs first, then move up higher and finish out up top, it's all up to you.

3. It has skill based gameplay. A lot of games now have what they say is "skill based" gameplay, but it's really just a form of memorization and twitch. Yeah, anyone can run through a room randomly firing rounds off to kill zombies, but how many people do you know can take the Unicorn and finish a fifth level puzzle? Yeah, I thought so.

4. It has luck based gameplay. Now, you might be thinking that this contridicts my last point. Well, you can go fuck yourself. Because without the skills it takes to get the luck running, you may as well just shoot all your balls straight down and pretend your winning. It takes skill to get lucky, just ask anyone who barhops looking for drunk chicks.

5. It has an expansive multi-player mode. Street Fighter can kiss my ass, all it has is one on one fights. Well, you can get in a Peggle Party here and go at it four ways. So you can here people talking smack and crying when things are flipping sides. And with four people it's four times as fun, none of this one on one bullshit. Unless that's your thing, and it supports you in this by allowing you, the unfriended, the ability to only play one on one. And you can even play multi-player by yourself, you know, if you don't even have that one friend.

6. It has a strong list of characters. Some games pride themselves on their characters, games like Soul Caliber, and Street Fighter, and Haze, but those games don't hold a candle to the list that shows up here. From the depressed Hamster, to the "unsure of it's sexuality" dragon, this game is deep. And while those "other" games give you backstories and moving pictures to convey what's happened in the life of the character, here YOU get to come up with the story, because you're magically transported into that characters life. From the highs of victory, to the maniacally depressed character faces of the defeated, you make the story happen. And nothing is funnier than horribly depressed happy animals.

7. It's totally not really, really, really gay. So it loads up with silly sayings like "Cranking Awesomeness" and "Loading Furry Animals", that's just saying that it's getting the cute ready for you...Ok, not a good point...Alright, so it's bright, and colorful, and full of rainbows...and unicorns...and smiles...and...and...I'm just gonna let this point trail off...

8. It kills diabetics. You heard it here first, this game is so sweet, so full of sugar and lollipops and puppy farts, that the game actually has killed people. It's true, you can find all the information on it here.

9. It's made up of half goddamn awesome. Graphs don't lie motherfuckers.

10. It's going to copy the L4D way to success. You're hearing it here first, but valve is actually going to be taking over for PopCap soon, and releasing a free update/patch for Peggle. Soon the animals will have shotguns, the pegs will be replaced by zombies, and the Unicorn will no longer be the black guy, but something more racially appropriate. And smoker hangs of the black guy will no longer be accompanied by calls of racism, or Jim Crow.
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About blehmanone of us since 8:11 PM on 08.01.2007

Real name: Mike

Amazing gif!

bleh, man
Lives in: Dallas, Tx
Occupation: Mayor of Metro City
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For Wiisucks:
Hi! My name is Jack Klassen.! I'm a completely ordinary teenage boy from San Diego, California. My interests include soccer, surfing, writing poetry, and luge. I am homeschooled by my father who fought in the Korean War and was exposed to nerve gas. He is kind of crazy but I still love him. We got the Internet two years ago and I started making new friends on Yahoo! messenger. Surprisingly, most of these new friends were older men who wanted to have illegal, underage sex with me. Needless to say, I got a boner like a rocketship and cybersex quickly became my favorite thing in the entire world. Wait, did I say boner like a rocketship? I meant my vagina got as wet as Lake Titicaca. I started saving all of the hot chat sessions I was having with the Pakistanis, lesbians, child molesters and other monsters who were instant messaging me all day and all night, and I decided to put them up here on this website so you can see exactly how disgusting the entire human race is. Since then, I have been in a waterskiing accident that mangled my genitals beyond repair, been diagnosed with cerebral palsy, brain cancer, and Crohn's disease, learned to speak Urdu and French, covered my naked body in superglue, went to French lesbian camp, made a Hindu eat a roast beef sandwich out of my vagina, and ruined perfectly good cybersex for at least one hundred people. Use the menu above to find out more about me and start reading my sexy adventures,

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