I hope you all made it through April Fool's Day without being horribly tricked by a loved one because of an arbitrary mark on a calendar. The whole day is made for people who like to pull pranks and make people laugh. So, today, I’m gonna profile 5 great video game characters whose job it is to bring joy and happiness to people all around the world. Well…when I say “joy and happiness”, I mean death and destruction. Hit the jump to see the scariest motherfuckers in gaming that dress like Cirque Du Soleil rejects.
5. Clown Man
“Weakling! This isn’t a joking matter!”
Starting off the list, we’ve got the most obvious addition. Clown Man was one of the 8 Robot Masters Mega Man had to defeat in the under-rated Mega Man 8. Originally, Clown Man was a prop used in children’s television. Then, because that fucker had nothing better to do, Dr. Wily stole him and reprogrammed him for, you guessed it, evil.
He’s got one of the coolest weapons in the game (Thunder Claw), which he uses during battle to disrupt the poor Mega Man. On top of that, Wily was able to take some pieces of Clown Man, and make a completely new Robot Master in Frost Man. So, not only is he an evil creation of Dr. Wily, he was the partial creator of yet another Wily abomination.
This character is actually hard to pin down; in both stories in persona 2, there’s a version of this jester (Innocent Sin has Master Joker, and Eternal Punishment has JOKER). But, interestingly enough, both are related, and pretty fucking evil. To reach each character, you must perform the “Joker Charm” by dialing your own cell phone number into your cell phone (yes, this game equates your voicemail to evil). Reaching Master Joker allows you to wish for something, and have that wish granted. Well…unless you don’t tell the truth, which will instead force Master Joker to drag the wish out of someone, reducing them to a mindless shell of a man (read: Halo 3 player). But, the other side of the coin is even more heinous.
JOKER can be reached in much the same way as Master Joker; just dial your own cell number. This time around, though, JOKER doesn’t grant you a wish, but instead becomes a hitman. Yep, perform the “Joker Charm”, and you can have anyone in the world requested to be killed. So, depending on when you perform the “Joker Charm”, you can either have a mansion full of big-titted hookers who serve you chocolate ice-cream all day, or you can have that guy who snagged the last bagel in the brake room thrown off a bridge.
“You worthless fools! Prepare to be crushed! You will never pester me again!”
Ah, the crazed jester with the wacky name from Dragon Quest 8. Like most of the funnymen on this list, Dhoulmagus came from humble beginnings; he was a court jester who was sick and tired of getting picked on and laughed at. So…yeah, he really hated his job. So, to get back at the bastards that, well, followed common courtesy with a fucking jester, he stole a scepter that happened to contain the soul of one Lord Rhapthorne, a nasty bastard who controlled the body of Dhoulmagus, forcing him to become evil.
His most evil trick actually comes at the beginning of the game: Dhoulmagus takes his newly-found power and transforms all of the inhabitants of Trodain into statues covered in strange plants. Then, in a Bowser (circa-SMB3)-like feat, he changed the king of Trodain into strange, frog-like creature, and the princess into a freakin’ horse. Yes, later on he kills the sage heirs, but, to truly know the horror of a person is to know is past. And Dhoulmagus has a pretty fucked-up past.
2. Sweet Tooth
“When they captured me, the only thing I could think was, ‘What a waste. All those people I hadn’t killed yet.’”
The king of psychotic clowns, children’s performers don’t get much crazier than Sweet Tooth. Needles Kane was a simple clown locked in a mental institution, until he escaped, destined to drive the killer ice cream truck with his new moniker of Sweet Tooth.
Sure, he has killed A LOT of people. But, he’s here for another reason: influence In Twisted Metal: Black, the evil bastard Sweet Tooth is responsible for bringing 2 of the other drivers into the game. Cage joins in the destruction in-game pretty much to prove that he’s a better killer than Sweet Tooth ever was. Axel, who’s chained to 2 gigantic tires, became Axel by way of Sweet Tooth KILLING HIS WIFE. Sure, he may be a psychopath, but he does know how to convince someone to perform grand acts of vehicular homicide.
1. Kefka Palazzo
“Hee, hee! Nothing can beat the music of hundreds of voices screaming in unison!”
As if this was even a question: the most famous (and evil) jester ever conceived HAD to top this list. Kefka, for those that don’t know (for shame…), is the antagonist in Final Fantasy 3/6. In terms of sons-of-bitches, you can’t get much more son-of-a-bitch than this guy; he’s pure, psychotic, gleeful evil all around.
Umm…oh, I dunno, how about POISONING THE WATER SUPPLY OF AN ENTIRE FUCKING CASTLE, KILLING EVERYONE INSIDE. Yes, after traveling with General Leo to the kingdom of Doma for a battle, Kefka goes against Leo’s orders to kill as little as possible and POISONS EVERYONE IN THE FUCKING KINGDOM. This is the equivalent of putting itching powder into all of your room mate’s underwear, and them STABBING THEM IN THE FACE. From this very moment alone, you should see why Kefka is not only one of the most evil characters to ever be in a video game, but he’s also the greatest jester in gaming.