Sunday is a day that I usually sit back and reflect on the week that has just passed, and in doing so I usually think of something that really pisses me off. Inspired by Puppy Licks'
brilliant article on humanity comparing the entertainment value of gaming against film, I have decided that we need to discuss what happens when the two are put together and how we as gamers feel forsaken with the end result.
- The Prologue -
For as long as I care to remember I have had to see the face of gaming get ripped apart from the rabid dogs who decide how an adaption is going to unfold. I have always been comfortable with my thoughts on how gaming is a much more submersive experience than watching and movie because it allows you to control how things unfold, or so it would have you believe. Most games are very linear in their narrative but still give us the impression that we are controlling how everything is going to play out but it usually has a very limited number of how things will end.
For one reason or another, when an adaptation is in the works which involves the cross over from video game to film or vice versa, we get our expectations rising to the occasion. But why?! Most of the people in charge of the adapation are in no way involved with the original product, which means that the soul is left with the original product and all that the public get is another B (or below) grade completion which confirms the voice in their heads. The voice that consistently reassures them that if they are not gaming, they aren't missing out on anything. In fact, it makes us Gamers look retarded to the rest of the world because what they
get from our most cherished entertainment experiences is a regurgitated, under produced, over marketed piece of shit in pretty wrapping paper.
It has gotten to the point now that as soon as somebody mentions that a movie is an adaption of a video game, people automatically assume it is going to be a shit waste of 90 + minutes of their life and I don't blame em because I feel that we as gamers, have been cheated. Who I blame is everybody who allows these adaptions to take place the way they do and if I had more power than a keyboard and hands to type with I would find them all and eat their faces off.
- The Assumption -
Through my years of observation, I have come to see which sub categories within creative arts make decent films through adaption.
Your typical A grade adaption comes from the following: - Short Stories (Momento, The Shawshank Redemption) - Comics (The Dark Knight, X-men 2) - Graphic Novels (Watchmen, The Crow) - Novels (Trainspotting, The Godfather) - True Story (Amadeus, Donnie Brasco) - Remakes (Dawn of the Dead, Scarface) And your typical B (and below) grade adaption: - Video Games (Streetfighter, Resident Evil)
What the fuck were Capcom thinking?
Now, call me crazy but something doesn't exactly look coshure with all this because I know for a FACT
that the video games that I have played which have been adapted into terrible
films, could have been put together in a much more artistic and complete manner. And don't get me started on the fan boys who will blindly love, defend and stupidfy themselves for a film that is an adaption of a game that they have dedicated so many hours of their life to and feel it is their duty to defend it's status amongst the shit reviews it gets.
You know, as well as I, these films are shit and if you think otherwise, I can flat out say strait up without any hesitation that your taste in film should have been buried with your last dead relative. And for the love of god, stop getting all pissy about what I am saying here because you know that if these films had nothing to do with the video games we love, you would think they were terrible too.
- The Process -
I swear to already know the exact process of a video game adapted film.
Step 1 -
Men and Women in suits and dollar signs for eyes see a large enough fan base to make a profit from deceiving and stepping on the necks of that very same fan base while trying to look like they are embracing and sanctifying it. Step 2 -
The Men and Women in suits pitch this idea to other Men and Women who have the money to spend on making this abortion of an art piece. Step 3 -
The fan boys (being blindly in love with anything to do with whatever game they suck themselves off over) embrace the idea of having their love put on a pedestal for the world to see. They cherish the idea that the general public will also embrace this, hence extending it's fan base, and hence justifying the fan boys obsession with their diluted views on how this game IS God. Step 4 -
The adaption is completed and is B grade at best, the fan boys either cherish it for being an artful depiction of something they fap over or slag it for not holding up to how they think it should have been depicted to the rest of world. Step 5 -
The general public who have nothing to do with Gaming forget about the film in a week and decide that with each passing attempt of a film being adapted from a video game, that the gaming population are made of fail and aids. - The Conclusion -
If you think I am an idiot, then just remember this, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
(You know, the film that wasn't half bad in the eyes of others because it had a shower scene with Angela Jolie
) is the top ranking video game adapted film taking in 131 million dollars world wide in total. While this may seem like a large figure to you, keep in mind that the comic book adaption, The Dark Knight
, took in just over 150 million dollars in its first week at the box office.
The first 2 minutes of Postal must have been directed by somebody else!
And for the love of God's vagina! Don't you dare say that the Resident Evil
film trilogy wasn't a bad bunch film adaptions. Bullshit! If Dawn of the Dead
, 28 Days Later
and 28 Weeks Later
were the film adaptions to the Resident Evil trilogy, then I would agree with you, but they are not, they are great films that have absolutely NOTHING to do with the gaming industry. In closing, all I ask is that Uwe Boll
stays the fuck away from Metal Gear Solid
and The Darkness
and if any other game studios allow him to insult the intelligence of us gamers, they deserve to have their game portrayed as entertainment for daft, shallow, uncultured morons.
If you prove me wrong I will actually be happy!