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5 Alternate Takes on why Resident Evil 5 isn't Very Good Devolving Into Thoughts on the Race Aspect

On the front page, which I try to make a point to avoid, I accidently saw an article entitled Variety gives five reasons why Resident Evil 5 isn't very good. Let me go ahead and make a counter argument. But first, a lil rant.

What the fuck is Variety, and where do they get any fucking clout coming off as game reviewers? They don't even have a fucking game review section. I didn't know Resident Evil 5 was a movie. Metal Gear Solid 4, yes, but not RE5. And way to go out of your way to rewrite the fucking review for your five reasons article buddy. I ain't seen lifted lines like that since high school.

Alright, enough of that. Five counterpoints.

1. Resident Evil 5 is not scary. Resident Evil games have only been scary in a very few parts scattered around the whole of the series. It's like saying Gears of War 2 isn't as scary as the first one. Guess what? Neither of them were scary. Resident Evil, to me, has always been about setting up a tense environment where you're surrounded by bitey things with limited mobility and ammunition, and you have to make choices based on that. It's more about the tension of "Oh shit there's a lot of zombies coming at me shoot shoot die die". Not fucking "boo". And your witty observation on showing, not telling? Yeah, real smooth. Because implied violence is always less creepy than showing it. You're probably the asshole who wanted to ruin the chainsaw scene in Scarface, too.

2. It's is a mediocre, derivative action game. (copy-pasted from the actual blog, It is is a...) Umm...it is literally a carbon copy of RE4, the game you gushed over a few paragraphs above this one. I'm sorry if keeping the quality of the last game while making it shiny doesn't appeal to you, but seriously, it's RE4.5. And the cover system, while not being Duke of New York A #1 OMGLAZERSANDPUPPIES, does it's job effectively. Besides, what game that's come out in the last ten years is not derivative? Name me that and I'll give you a cookie. Like the internet, everything is a repost of a repost of a repost. In gaming, everything is a repackage of a repackage of a repackage. Switching things up occasionally, sure, but everything has ripped off something of some other game.

3. The co-op doesn't work very well. Ok, this one is just personal opinion, but seriously, the levels are not long enough for you to have to use drop in to get someone to join you. Where's the fun in that? And as pointed out by Jim "Italics are for Sarcasm" Sterling, you can give your partner a weapon. Just go to the weapon, stand by your partner, and select "give". Just like STDs! I haven't tried co-op yet though, so I can't say anything else about this one.

4. "Resident Evil 5" is old-fashioned. And not in the cool, retro way.


Ok, so being unforgiving in the inventory department aside, I don't see what the complaints are about. The "useless" b button for calling your partner? Single player doesn't exist! I have to pick a weapon, scroll to upgrade, and look through the upgrades to upgrade my weapon? As opposed to being able to select an upgrade button, scrolling through the upgrade choices, and then picking a weapon? Pick your poison dude. And "oh poor me, I have to hold two buttons down to shoot", have you not played a game this generation? To accuratly shoot in any game now you have to hold at least two buttons, sometimes you even get to click the little sticks now to zoom too! Making reasons out of things every game uses is an excuse. To get hits on your negative piece. Works too, bastard.

5. The racial imagery is disturbing at times. I'll admit it, I'm a white bastard. I really don't care about "race" and junk either. I mean, I hate Al Sharpton and the apology squad as much as anyone, but the first thing out of my mouth when someone makes a joke isn't "that's racist!" and point. Maybe it doesn't mean as much to me to see a white guy going to Africa on a mission for a fake orginization, teaming up with a black chick and proceeding to shoot the hostile inhabitants of that area that are literally falling over themselves to kill you, but hey, what do I know? I haven't been oppressed my whole life. As for the tribal dressed Africans, apparently he missed the note where the kid explains that his tribal adults start reverting back to wearing what they used to wear years ago.

Again, if you look hard enough at anything, you can make it what you want. Heck, I think the black type is oppressing my white background right now, but you don't see me writing any angry letters to the National Association for the Advancment of White People. Oh, that's right, we don't have one of those, because white people aren't a minority. Except in southern states.

A game like this is always going to be considered racist, because sometimes that's all we can see. If this came out and there was no controversy about it, would that be moving on? Maybe. Did that happen? No. Am I going with the "ignore it and it'll go away" aspect? No. I'm going with the "sometimes we have to have things that make us feel slightly uncomfortable to help us move past this silly race thing" aspect. Yes, there were some terrible things that happened in Africa. Does that mean that ignoring it is going to make it go away? Does that mean that certain things are untouchable in reality so that we don't have to feel certain ways about them? Does that mean bad things still aren't happening over there?

Is there an acceptable way to show things like this without people going overboard and perceiving this as a way for Capcom to show White People killing Black People in a fun and exciting new oppressive movement that will happen because people play this and say, "That looks like fun, maybe I'll try that."? Unfortunately, no. For some people, pushing the racist agenda is all they're looking for. Is it wrong for someone to come out and say stop that if it's blatently racist? No, of course not. However, I do think it's wrong for someone to come out and try and force their opinion on what they see is going on in something they didn't help make, write, produce, or believe in, and twist it so that it's wrong and you should be ashamed that you're having fun with it. That's not progress, that's swimming in place.
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About blehmanone of us since 8:11 PM on 08.01.2007

Real name: Mike

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bleh, man
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Hi! My name is Jack Klassen.! I'm a completely ordinary teenage boy from San Diego, California. My interests include soccer, surfing, writing poetry, and luge. I am homeschooled by my father who fought in the Korean War and was exposed to nerve gas. He is kind of crazy but I still love him. We got the Internet two years ago and I started making new friends on Yahoo! messenger. Surprisingly, most of these new friends were older men who wanted to have illegal, underage sex with me. Needless to say, I got a boner like a rocketship and cybersex quickly became my favorite thing in the entire world. Wait, did I say boner like a rocketship? I meant my vagina got as wet as Lake Titicaca. I started saving all of the hot chat sessions I was having with the Pakistanis, lesbians, child molesters and other monsters who were instant messaging me all day and all night, and I decided to put them up here on this website so you can see exactly how disgusting the entire human race is. Since then, I have been in a waterskiing accident that mangled my genitals beyond repair, been diagnosed with cerebral palsy, brain cancer, and Crohn's disease, learned to speak Urdu and French, covered my naked body in superglue, went to French lesbian camp, made a Hindu eat a roast beef sandwich out of my vagina, and ruined perfectly good cybersex for at least one hundred people. Use the menu above to find out more about me and start reading my sexy adventures,

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