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An open letter to you: Dude playing as tank who has no common sense...

Dear person playing as a tank,
What the hell, man? Have you ever played as a tank before? I question this, because I can see your silhouette running backwards, away from the survivors. Then you run back and forth a few times, trying to get your bearings. Then you notice the survivor's silhouettes, turn and go right at them, promptly running into a wall. By the time you realize you've played this level before and know the path to get to them, the "control" meter is quickly disappearing. Your frenzied and wild movements mask the real you: You were a little confused, but now you're going to tear the survivors a new one! Hell yeah! I sense the fire in you and figure I'll help out as best I can. I pounce the last survivor, the one it would have been the hardest for you to get in the first place. Then i see you tear into the survivors field of vision. They panic, scrambling in all directions. Yes, use this confusion to take them out. Go after Louis, that red outline means he is the weakest, one hit and he's incapacitated. Wait, what are you doing? Why are you throwing a chunk of concrete? Ok, you missed, I'm sure you've seen the folly of throwing concrete in a room with such a low ceiling. Wait, why are you hiding? I have a survivor pinned and the other three are running scared, go after them... You're throwing another piece of concrete? What... why... it didn't work last time, why would it work this time? Ok you missed, but you have to have at least half your health bar left.

Awesome, you're finally going right at the remaining survivors. You missed that swipe at Bill but don't despair, you're the all mighty tank! What are you doing? Why are you facing me? Listen, bub, I have this situation under control. All that damage you're taking is coming from the three survivors circling you and shooting, not the one survivor I have pinned. I know you're angry and want revenge, but why aren't you going after Zoe, she basically has an assault rifle buried in your back? I'm asking you nicely, turn around and go after one of the other survivors, Francis is almost dead, just leave me to claw and whatnot. Please, think about what you're doing, you do know that this is going to kill me too, right? Dude, was I a dick to you in high school, and this is some sort of elaborate and circuitous revenge? Are you really winding up to...

Ouch. That really hurt dude, but at least you're going to finish off Francis, he's so close to dying! No, NO, NOOOOOOO, why are you throwing another piece of concrete?!? Oh awesome, now you're dead, are you happy? They're reviving Francis as we speak. Where are you other two guys? Just run in and hit him one time to stop the revive! Come on hunter, is it really that important to see how high you pounce someone from? And you smoker, you should be ashamed of yourself. It's really cool that you've learned a neat ambush spot, but that doesn't mean that you should run through most of the level just to camp there. We really could have used you a second ago. Oh, now Francis is healing, so is Louis. If it weren't for this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, it would be as if we never even had a tank.

Why did you just quit? I was going to offer you some quality, constructive advice on how to become a better player, but now I can't. Son of a Biscuit, I really need to find a new game.
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About Magooone of us since 1:27 PM on 02.16.2009

My name's Joe and I'm 23 years old. I've been gaming for a long time, but it's always been by myself or with a small group of friends. Only recently, after signing up for Xbox Live and being exposed to a vast number of gamers, did I have any sense of being a part of a larger community. That's why I'm here at Dtoid, to be a part of a quality discourse about video games. I hope you find what I have to say interesting, and if you don't, tell me why. That's what this whole thing is about.

I only have a 360 right now. It's not an issue of preference, I simply can't afford a PS3. If I had the cash, I'd grab one in a heartbeat. I had a wii for a while. After not playing it for months, I decided to get rid of it. I used to play a fair bit of Warcraft 3 and Counter-Strike, but I have since abandoned PC gaming. System requirements quickly outpaced my budget.

My Video Game hall of fame:
Hero's Quest
King's Quest series
Monkey Island series
Half-Life series
Halo (The original, not the series)
Metal Gear Solid
Fallout 2

Currently Playing (On the 360):
Left 4 Dead
Fallout 3 + DLC
Lost & Damned
Skate 2
Call of Duty: World at War
Resident Evil 5

Can't Wait to Play:
Brutal Legend
APB (If it comes to the 360)

Favorite Food:
Cold Fried Chicken. Trust me, it's amazing.
Xbox LIVE:ColMagoo


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