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10 things I think about when I fap

Not that I would really share that information with you. I know that if I did, you guys would be calling the people with the lab coats and black vans to come and take me away and put me into a padded cell. No, no, no...This is one of those piss poor blog entries telling my fellow brethren 10 things about ME! So be prepared because everybody calls me the 'fucked unit'...

10-: I cannot perform the Heimlich Maneuver
Yes, that's correct. Once my good friend Dish and I were at a Boxing Day BBQ with friends and family and he started to choke. I thought he was fucking around and started to piss myself laughing. After I realized he was really choking on a bit of meat he didn't chew properly, I still couldn't do anything...so I just kept laughing while somebody else saved his life.

9-: I enjoy Opera and classical music
Despite having an everlasting love for most forms of Metal music, I also have an affinity for classical and operatic music. The first soundtrack to pull me into classical music (which Hans Zimmer put together) for was The Last Samurai. Average film, great soundtrack. Hans Zimmer recently worked on the music for The Dark Knight which nearly made my pants fly off from the semen I shot. Epic.

8-:I had the shit beaten out of me in high-school
Yeah, you know the typical Hollywood depiction of the kid that gets picked on and then after a few years decides to pick up a rifle and go through the class rooms, taking people out. Well, that wasn't me, but it was close. Replace rifle with fist, and replace people with fuckheads. My older cousin John and his friends drove to my school one afternoon and decided to use me as bait for the morons that use to gang bash me. That day, for the first time, it wasn't my blood all over my shirt...it was theirs. True Story. Never got touched again.

7-: I use to pull the wings off flies
I use to love watching flies try to fly away without wings. Made me piss myself laughing. Maybe I am alone here, but I don't care. I enjoyed myself.

6-: My first wet dream was over my best friends mother
Bill, pretty much one of the only mates I had in high school who stuck up for me. The first wet dream I ever had, was about his mother seducing me and giving me the most unreal sex (at the time anyway, I pretty much had no idea what the hell sex was). The worst part of it was, I was sleeping over at his house when it happened. Soggy sheets anyone?

5-: From no friends and girls, to plenty of both
With being picked on, comes the lack of attention from the opposite sex. So as you can imagine, I wasn't that popular in high school until the senior years. Seems weird to me, but women seem to enjoy the company of unique blokes once they figure out that the morons are in fact...morons. I had little friends and no female attention till I was 17. Next thing I knew I finished high school and could be anybody I wanted to be, not what everybody labeled me as. So after a very eventful 4 to 5 years of doing what I want to do and being the person I am, I have a great group of friends and a girlfriend of 3 years who is my world, but like you people give a shit about that anyway.

This is when we sneaked booze into a festival in my back seat

I'm the guy on the far right...

4-: I once fapped in my grandparents car
I fap, quite a lot. In fact, name a place you have fapped (masturbated, for all you nu-fags), and I guarantee, I have topped it. I once fapped in the backseat of my grandparents car while they were driving, that was years ago. But to celebrate the passing of my grandmother, I fapped in the backseat of my best mates car...in her honor. Note: No, I wasn't thinking about having sex with my grandmother.

Dish got a little angry I fapped in his back seat. So we had a knife fight.

...but he cheated and bought a fucking sword.

3-: I work in engineering
Believe it or not I run a family business with my father in mechanical, special projects engineering. It's passes the time and pays the bills but its not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I love filming and editing. So we will see what comes of it. Here are a few little things I have whipped together in my spare time:

The Lonely Pedophile

Live Music Video for Dead Letter Circus - Lines

A tribute to the metal clubs and great friends I have

2-: I waste a lot of time
As you can tell, I spend a bit of time writing blogs, lyrics and things that don't really make much of a difference and don't really present me with much money. But it doesn't stop me from doing it. I know I could be doing more productive things with my time, but I enjoy doing what I do and hopefully one day I will be forced to sell out in order to get money for what it is I love doing. Offending people.

1-: I once fucked my pillow
You know when you wake up humping your mattress? With a morning erection? Well, I woke up in the middle of the night, half way through a sex dream, humping the shit out of my pillow. I nearly blew into it too. I had the instincts to keep going after I woke up, but I soon stopped after realizing how pathetic I was.

So, that's it from me for now. There is still much to be known about who I am, but again, I doubt you people care, and even if you don't, you will still probably hear about it on here at some point. Cheers for wasting you life reading about mine. Peace.
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About Samuel Dillingerone of us since 1:58 AM on 06.24.2008

Currently Playing:

...A lot of stuff

I like to fap...a lot.

I have been on Destructoid for a little and have grown to really love it's community. I love to write articles on gaming and I find it easy to do with Destructoid. I am currently studying a Bachelor Degree of Communication (Journalism), so that one day I can hope to do this professionally.

While studying I jump from job to job like crazy because I don't want to do anything but write, and while that may sound reckless, I assure you that I really couldn't live any other way if I tried.

I just want to say thanks to everybody involved with Destructoid including every reader, community blogger and contributor. It really is an amazing place in the digital, shit infested swamp lands of the internet.

I am a proud member of the Refused Classification panel also consisting of Destructoid members Puppy Licks and DanMazkin, which brings to the plate a fortnightly Destructoid only podcast and soon to be video content which will also be featuring guest appearances from gaming celebs such as the Masterchief.

I also write on Stereotoid; a weekly shift in the Earth's crust where the greatest music from all time seeps forth and pushes its way into our ears then forces us to write about it through mental fuckism. If you understood that, then well done.

P.S - One day I will write for Destructoid...That's right Niero! I'M COMING FOR YOU MOTHER FUCKER!
Mii code:[email protected]


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