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I will unleash a cornstorm of epic proportions...

I was playing with my clan last night when I realized that hurling insults in games is one of my favourite experiences with gaming. I don't mean logging onto Halo3 and screaming faggot for 5 hours until I'm hoarse and someone is trying to put a contract out for my life, but truly awesome insults that usually confuses my foe into fucking up his game.

If anything, I hunt for those tiny rat bastards that use the same insults that generally give the human race a bad rap. People who uses the generic, "You're of a questionable sexual orientation which in someway threatens my own masculinity" to the, "the woman who gave birth to you does unfortunate sexual acts in seedy places" insult. Why not put two brain cells together and unleash something truly epic.

Angry 12 year old with poor parental supervision: YOU'RE GAY! YOUR A GAY FAGGOT FAG-MAN-BOY. UR MOM LIKE PENISES! I SEXED UR MOMS!

This is a true to life example of something I had to endure while I played a game of Warrock. Now if we break this down logically and analyze this insult, we are met with several glaring idiotic statements here.

#1. Gayness

The statement that I'm gay. Well how do you know that I'm gay? You've never met me and yet you scream this over and over. And so what if I was? How does that effect you in anyway? In reality, it's a statement that you are threatened by people who chose to engage in sexual relations with those of their sex. Unless you are a closet homosexual yourself, which is more likely, you're probably projecting your feelings on others, the sexual orientation of the opposing player really has no bearing on the situation. Really, you're just making your self look like a moron. If anything, I'd rather play against gay players than some little ignorant shithead like you who turns someones life into a fucking insult, unfortunately reminding them of the horseshit they've probably had to put up with from other pricks like you.


Really all your doing is proving that you have completely failed at the English language. The clip is a reasonable explanation I think.

#3. My mother's relationship with penises.

Now, for those who read my blogs, I'd rather not delve to deeply into this. However, to refute my foe's claim, well no shit Sherlock, if she didn't, I wouldn't be here putting up with your garbage. And who knows, my mom probably can take a cock like a champ. The idea is disgusting to me, but she's human and sex makes people happy, so in a way, I hope she still enjoys one of the greatest stress relievers on the planet. So really, if you say my moms a whore, I really don't care. You're some shithead across the globe who will never meet her or bang her. And even if you did....well...I love my mom to death, but if you saw her...yeah, not happening.

#4. Sexual relations with my mom.

Again, this part has been tackled by the previous paragraph. Again, you live far away and will never meet my mom. Again, if it were to happen, you'd take one look at her and be like, "DAMN!"

Oh btw, she likes a meal, not a snack.

Now that we have looked at a generic gaming insult, we move to the more entertain part methinks. Creative insults and retorts. In gaming, mentality is an important part of playing. Moral is even an aspect of the game that has significance. I'm focusing more on player interactions rather than gaming mechanics, but the concept is the same. If you can anger, frustrate, confuse and over all break your opponent mentally, you usually have a better chance of winning.

#1. Non-sequitur


1. An inference or conclusion that does not follow from the premises or evidence.
2. A statement that does not follow logically from what preceded it.

A staple in my counter-insult repertoire is a complete non sequitur. For example;

Angry 12 year old kid: YUOR A FAGGIT

Tehmtnlion: Go suck a ham

A simple comment that has no bearing on the situation will often confuse your foe and make them silent. The comment itself is unoffensive and will not provoke admins or other players from reporting you and banning you. I often tell my younger cousins to use these as well, as it frees them from repercussions from their parents.

#2. Embody their Insult

A fun way to turn the tables on a jerkoff is to completely agree with and even expand on their insults to the point where they break. For example:

Angry 12 year old kid: U DIDDLE KIDS YOU FAG! U LIKE THE COCK!

Tehmtnlion: Yeah, yeah I do....say you sound like you got a purdy mouth...how bout you send me your addy so i can come to your town and watch you from the bushes outside your house

Angry 12 year old kid: HAHA TOLD U UR GAI!

Tehmtnlion: I'm gunna watch you at night and play with my belly button. I'ma break into your house and lick all your shoes. I'ma, I'ma touch you in the downtown place. I'ma cut it off and put it on mah mantle. Touching it. Staring at it. Singing to it.

Generally they will get either too freaked out or actually leave for fear of it coming true. The above exert is a paraphrasing of a conversation I had on halo3 with some punk ass. It got to him so bad, he started crying and his father came on the headset and threatened my life. Tehmtnlion Wins!

#3. Outrageous acts of ownage.

The most fun for myself in creative insults is to full out insult back but with style. These can be used for any reason or insult and some are just fun to say mid-match. These aren't so much insults but statements that show you have no interest in the flamers bullshit and will have fun no matter what they say. For example:

I will unleash a Cornstorm of EPIC proportions on your face!

I'll fucking eat your face

I'll rape your entire family at once in butter

The fisting you will receive from me will make your grandchildren shit funny

These are just some mild examples and in the long run, I hope you at least start to mix up your gaming trash talk. It'll make it more enjoyable for you and completely piss off your opponents when you owned them completely
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About Tehmtnlionone of us since 10:59 PM on 03.31.2008

About Me:

I'm a 21 year old gamer from Canada who refuses to accept rational or logical explanations of all things. Armed with a large vocabulary and total disregard for morals and opinions, I fight for Justice. Or Destruction. Which ever gets me teh pwn.

Also, here are 10 things you didn't know about me

Games I've Played worth mentioning
Resident Evil Series
Shining Force Series
All the Sonics. ALL of them.
Command and Conquer Series
Fallout 1,2 and 3
The Elder Scrolls Series

A Genuinely Scary Story

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9

Other Stories I've Written

Risque Business
Monkey Business
The Chronicles of Niero
A Tribute to ZzFFTLzZ: The End of Douchebaggery
Skid Marks
Tastes on the Danforth: The Harbinger of Death
Didn't see that one coming
The Gross Out
Fear: Shit makes you run
You can't get out eggnog stains
Rage is the best investment
Stupid is as stupid does
Necessity above all else
The most horrific story ever told
Dunk-a-roos: Crack for children