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LONG BLOG

Every game I played in 2008 reviewed in haiku form

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Some of these games are way more than a year old, but I just got around to playing them because I signed up for GameFly in March, or they were re-released on XBLA/PSN. Hope you enjoy!

No More Heroes - 7/10
The open world sucked
The dialogue was cheesy
But the game still ruled

The Orange Box - 10/10
Four best games ever
TF2 can fuck off though
Sorry, BlindsideDork

Psychonauts - 10/10
Late to the party
But glad I finally came
Thank you, Tim Schafer

Burnout Paradise - 8/10
This was a surprise
A racing game that was good
No auto-retry!?

Fable - 6/10
I was late once more
But this party kinda sucked
Sequel is good though

Myst DS - 2/10
I can't click on shit
Oh, here's yet another bug
Yawned myself to death

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption - 7/10
Wow, a good Wii game
My arm is getting tired
Eat shit, Wii remote

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Ring of Fates - 3/10
Everytime you're bored
Take a shot of Maker's Mark
Your liver will die

Ace Attorney: Apollo Justice - 6/10
Great presentation
But is it even a game?
I say 'objection'

Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Vegas 2 - 6/10
A test of patience
How many times can you die?
Lots, apparently

Bully: Scholarship Edition - 7/10
Didn't finish it
Rockstar should just make movies
That's what their games are

Frontlines: Fuel of War - 6/10
As far as story
How generic can you get?
Game play was decent

Okami - 8/10
Defines adventure
Under appreciated
Wolf-god wants some love

Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem - 6/10
Look who's late again
Horror games are not my thing
Is my TV fucked?

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune - 8/10
Nate is a huge dick
But his game is amazing
Sullys my hero

LEGO Star Wars: The Complete Saga - 5/10
My first LEGO game
It will also be my last
People play this crap?

Dark Sector - 6/10
It's Gears minus fun
Made me want to watch Krull though
So plus one for that

New Super Mario Bros. - 8/10
It's an old classic
Now with added bonuses
Nothing not to like

Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure - 6/10
Oh boy here we go
I know this game is adored
But I fell asleep

Luigi's Mansion - 7/10
A haunted mansion
That just needs to be vacuumed
It makes perfect sense

The World Ends With You - 9/10
A pleasant surprise
Unique game play and story
More like this please, Square

Beyond Good and Evil - 8/10
You must have patience
Smart and brilliant narrative
Marred by poor controls

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time - 6/10
Platforming was meh
Why even have enemies?
The fighting was bad

SoulCalibur IV - 7/10
Slow and cumbersome
Par for the course with 3D
I suck at fighters

Disgaea 3: Absence of Justice - 6/10
Don't have the patience
To sit through this crap again
Tacticals are slow

Boom Blox - 7/10
Podtoid summed it up
It's action Jenga with bombs
Uses Wiimote well

Mario Kart Wii - 8/10
Looks great and plays great
Classic controller is best
But fuck those blue shells!

Trauma Center: Under the Knife 2 - 8/10
Can be frustrating
Intense and satisfying
Controls help immerse

ICO - 10/10
Absolute must play
I payed 25 dollars
For no case or book

Sam & Max: Season 1 - 7/10
I need to realize
Point and click is not for me
Hilarious though

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed - 7/10
A great Star Wars game
By general standards though
Felt like pulling teeth

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood - 5/10
Overrated dev
Takes overrated franchise
Results not shocking

Chrono Trigger DS - 9/10
A timeless classic
Do you see what I did there?
God damn I'm funny

Super Mario Sunshine - _/10
Not rated because
The formula fits just fine
I'm just bored with it

Ratchet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction - 8/10
It's great mindless fun
Difficulty curve is shit
Games cute and funny

Mirror's Edge - 7/10
Sad when a good thought
Is poorly executed
Missed another jump

Left 4 Dead - 9/10
Best co-op ever
In memory: JohnTheCrow
God dammit, Francis

Gears of War 2 - 8/10
Bro, it's the sequel
Bigger, better, more bad ass
That's about it, bro

Fable 2 - 9/10
A perfect mixture
Humor and seriousness
Hammers got man-legs

Grand Theft Auto 4 - 8/10
No doubt that it's good
Game of the year it is not
REAL cars drive better

Fallout 3 - 10/10
Oblivion. Guns.
Great tastes together at last
It's not a bad thing

Lost Odyssey - 7/10
Emotional plot
Trapped in JRPG frame
Too hard in places

Civilization Revolution - 7/10
Great execution
I wish I played this game more
Up for a match, guys?

Metal Gear Solid 2 - 9/10
People hate Raiden
I really don't understand
Uh, the plot I mean

Metal Gear Solid 3 - 9/10
Ruined my vision
Big Boss is tougher than that
The End is the best

Metal Gear Solid 4 - 8/10
Combat was the best
Is this scene still not over?
More movie than game

Little Big Planet - 8/10
Muslims should be mad
Not at music, but controls
Check out "What goes up..."

Final Fantasy Tactics A2: Grimoire of the Rift - 8/10
A good tactical
Ranks with Big Foot for rareness
Hear that Disgaea?!

Super Smash Bros. Brawl - 8/10
Mario hits Peach
We've all dreamed about that, right?
Maybe I'm just weird.

A Kingdom for Keflings - 7/10
Not much to do here
Run around, place blocks, build stuff
Why is it so fun?

Castle Crashers - 9/10
Co-op worked for me
Forever replayable
Best ending ever

Ikaruga - 10/10
I can't beat stage 4
I owe RetroForce a debt
Thanks Topher Cantler

Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2 - 8/10
It's the first, times six
I am no good at this game
Graphics hurt my eyes

Penny Arcade Adventures: OTRSPOD: Episode 1 & 2 - 9/10
Point and click made fun
Mike and Jerry are like Gods
Lovecraft would be proud

Braid - 10/10
Pretentious art crap
Sounds like something I would like
Rewind is so fun

Metal Slug 3 - 8/10
You are a zombie
You can barf to clear a screen
Enough said I think

Undertow - 3/10
Free for a reason
An apology worth shit
MS still owes us
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About Jesus H Christone of us since 8:46 PM on 09.15.2008

Jesus "H" Christ (May 13, 1922 � April 25, 2009) was an American actress, comedian and singer whose career spanned seven decades. Christ achieved fame as the character Maude Findlay on the 1970s sitcoms All in the Family and Maude, and as Dorothy Zbornak on the 1980s sitcom The Golden Girls, winning Emmy Awards for both roles. A stage actress both before and after her television success, she won the Tony Award for Best Featured Actress in a Musical for her performance as Vera Charles in the original cast of Mame (1966).

Xbox LIVE:JohnTheCrow
PSN ID:JohnTheCrow


 

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