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LONG BLOG

No Punisher Movie for Marvel Fans [NVGR]

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So I wrote this artcile over at Bags and Boards about the Punisher movie franchise and want to know how you clowns feel about it.

http://bagsandboardspodcast.com/2008/10/20/no-punisher-movie-for-marvel-fans/





It wasnít until around the year 1994 that I became acutely aware of The Punisher. In the 14 years in between, the entertainment industry has done nothing but made me sour with putrid hate coursing through my pulsing veins with what they have done with my favorite Marvel hero.

Frank Castle is the only true embodiment of the meaning of ďman.Ē Sometimes it was all I could do to keep from punching someone in their stupid face when they told me a Chuck Norris fact, as if HE were the definition. A real man isnít concerned about anything other than justice. Real men donít have time for high-maintenance over-pampered women. They donít have time for beers with the guys after work. The only thing they have time for is making sure there is a slug lodged firmly in the skull of every punk degenerate that roams the streets (preferably said street is in New York City or any metropolitan sprawl with tall buildings stacked side by side. Also, loads of steam would be nice.)

To me, this is like shooting fish in a barrel as far as character development or a story are involved. And yet, Iíve yet to see one single drop of Punisher decency outside the pages of a comic book and itís driving me insane. Iím not kidding. I just ate a scoop of my catís IAMS dry food. It tasted awful but thatís what I do, alright? Iím insane now.

But in order to regain some sanity I will provide to you, faithful reader, two things that can be done to make the perfect Punisher movie. First, whoever cast Tom Jane in 2005ís ďThe PunisherĒ needs to be shot in both legs with a harpoon. No offense to Tom Jane, he was in a couple episodes of ďArrested DevelopmentĒ so that automatically makes him good people, but Frank Castle is a rugged tower of a man who has no soul and feels no emotions other than anger. Jane possesses none of those qualities. The person portraying Castle should also have the voice of a man who has smoked three packs a day since the age of four. But the most important quality that this iteration of The Punisher must have is a face that can tell Frank Castleís story in one glance. Think of a face that never makes eye contact when talking because they are either too disgusted with you or they donít even acknowledge your existence. As far as facial hair is concerned, this man is going to need a 9 oíclock shadow.

The only other piece that is needed is a storyline that is based around one thing: death. Notice I didnít say ďkilling.Ē This is where Hollywood has gone wrong. I havenít seen ďPunisher: War ZoneĒ but it looks like itís all about killing. I can already tell you that that movie is going to be a steaming pile of garbage. The reason that The Punisherís story would work so well in a movie is because deep down all of us love what he does. To make it even better, itís a story that could easily happen in real life. You canít tell me that if you picked up your local newspaper and saw a front page story about a guy who had blown the head off a druglord with a sawed off shotgun, that you wouldnít think that justice had been served, and that you werenít just a little happy. Then, the next day if you read another story about a group of three pedophiles found dead and castrated, wouldnít you start getting the feeling that someone was actually doing SOMETHING about the filth in our society?

Itís these emotions that the entire Punisher franchise our founded upon, and yet, not one filmmaker has come forward to knock this slow-pitch softball out of the park.
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About Butmacone of us since 2:54 PM on 07.23.2007

First Game? Super Mario for NES (how cliche is that?)
Best Game? Shadow of the Colossus or Resident Evil 4
Worst Game? McFarlane's Evil Prophecy
Favorite Game? Twisted Metal 2
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Dating Game? Oh, nah that was kinda dumb.
Blame Game? That was on MTV when I was like in middle school.
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Scariest Game? Resident Evil 2
Fastest Game? Wario Ware Smooth Moves
Maim Game? That doesn't sound like a game.
Movie Game? Spiderman 2
TV Game? Ugh I don't think I know any.
Book Game? Jurassic Park for Genesis.

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