The Wii U has had a chance to settle in North America, and just recently hit shelves in Europe. The question on everybody's lips is, of course -- is the Wii U the best home console in the world, and should I throw away every other expensive electronic device in my house out of pure spite?
The answer to both those questions is, of course, yes. Smash it all. Including your television. You won't need that anymore, because the GamePad basically is one.
More importantly, you must know the Wii U is better than the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 combined, because its release has been and always will be a gigantic pissing contest. It's not just better, in fact -- it's blatantly better. Find out why.
Intuitive motion reduction enhancement features
If you've played some of the third-party ports that have been expediently produced for your benefit, you may have been delighted with one of the Wii U's boldest new features -- a little addition I like to call Intuitive Motion Reduction Enhancement. This innovative approach to gaming takes some of the more hardcore experiences -- Ninja Gaiden 3, Warriors Orochi 3 Hyper, Call of Duty: Black Ops II -- and dynamically reduces the speed at which they are played in order to give the user extreme tactical advantages.
Here's how it works -- when the action is at its most hectic, at its most adrenaline-pumping, the Wii U intuitively lowers the framerate, sometimes to a crawl. This "bullet time" effect allows the player a new level of unmatched battlefield surveillance, giving him or her the power to make fresh decisions and dramatically alter the course of gameplay in their favor. Never before has such power been at the player's fingertips, and only on the Wii U can this inspiring feature be accessed.
Be sure to laugh at your friends as they remain forced to play Call of Duty at normal speeds, like mundane idiots. We call these people Kinematypicals, and we look at them with disgust.
It has the best version of Firmware of any console
When you first get your shiny new Wii U (still massively available in every shop in the world), you get instant access to the most crucial game right out of the box -- for free! Nintendo's version of this generation's most popular game, Firmware, is bigger, better, and greatly expanded when compared to the paltry efforts of the Xbox 360 and even PS3!
Sure, the PS3 managed to negotiate exclusive access to more Firmware sequels and DLC than Microsoft or Nintendo, but only on Wii U can you get the definitive version -- all 57GB of it! PS3 fans are going to feel really sore after wasting their time on shitty little incremental updates when they find out that Firmware is available, in full and larger than ever, ONLY on the Nintendo Wii U home entertainment videogame entertainment Wii U entertainment console.
You better rub some ice cream on your butt from all the butt-stuff that Nintendo just did to your butt, you butthurt little PS3 fanboys. Sorry to BUTT in and be a BUTTHER (still works), but I wondered if you'd like some BUTTER to cool down your BUTT after all the BUTTHURT on your BUTT. You fucking fucks.
Only on Wii U can you access the official Willem Dafoe fan community. Although currently misnamed Rabbids Land, the Willem Dafoe Miiverse community is rich with tribute to Hollywood's favorite son -- and perhaps the most treasured man in America today -- Willem Dafoe. Full of fun facts (Willem Dafoe invented cars) and whimsical fan drawings (Willem's Datoe, Battlefoeds, Wii-llem Dafoe), the Wii U has become the ultimate destination for all things Willem!
The closest the SexCocks PeeShitty (Xbox 360) ever got to a thriving celebrity community was that time I drew Val Kilmer in marker pen on the side of my console ... and the drawing was fucking shit. Part of his eye was doodled over the disc tray so every time I tried to put a game in, it looked like his eye was coming out a bit, and it was really scary and gross, and I said to myself, "This is not The Batman, this is not the fucking Batman," every single time it happened.
And nobody on eBay believed me when I tried to sell it and say it was Val Kilmer's personal Xbox. Bloody stupid Microsoft.
Aliens: Colonial Marines will have a motion tracker
Does anything else even need to be said? This one fact alone proves the Wii U is better than both the TyrannosaurusRexCumFilledSocks TreeThatADogPissedUpSixtyYearsOldLikeAnOldMan (Xbox 360) and PlayStinky 3 (PlayStation 3). We have all dreamed of being a Colonial Marine, firing our pulse rifle into the air, making hurtful sexist remarks about capable female comrades, and eventually ending our lives in screaming terror as eyeless abominations drag us mercilessly to be processed into little more than macabre wombs.
It's the American dream, and Wii U takes us one step closer to making it a reality. Only on Nintendo's wonder machine can you have a real-life motion tracker in your real-life hands, able to directly pinpoint real-life Xenomorph activity and defecate into your real-life pants with the extreme terror of it all. In REAL life!
Aliens is literally the best film ever made (after Alien 3), and Aliens: Colonial Marines will be the best game in the world thanks to the reality-warping properties of the Wii U. You might even start believing you're a trained military professional! How fun would that be? You'd get to kill people in the street for looking browner than you, and nobody can stop you because you're a Colonial Marine! I think that's how it works.
Is the PS3 funky enough for this barn? No. Is the Xbox 360 funky enough for this barn? No. The Wii U, by stark contrast, has been scientifically measured as matching the predetermined levels of funk required to gain entry to the aforementioned barn, and that is why it is the best home gaming system on the market right now.
Just trust me, this point makes sense if you have a Wii U. If not, then tough shit. You should've gotten one. Now you're just a spastic.
Games look dramatically better on the Wii U
Before you start thinking I'm a biased fanboy and write this point off as something a loyalist shill might say, bear in mind these are not my words. These are the words of Reggie Fils-Aime! Yeah, not looking so biased now, are they?
CNN correspondent Reggie Fils-Aime has stated for the record that Wii U games look dramatically better than the visually inferior counterparts found slumming it on PS3 and Xbox 360 -- or should I say PeePissPee and Xbox 360!?!? Yeah, I should say that.
You can't really get less biased than the opinion of a third party, which is why I urge you to not just take my word for it. Please pay attention to the words of people like Reggie, Satoru Iwata, and Shigeru Miyamoto, all hardworking pundits in the industry who have spoken extensively about the qualities of the Wii U. If you insist on ignoring my opinion, go check out those guys, and prepare to have your damn eyes opened.
The GamePad is a bit like an iPad
Some of you may not want to accept it, but we've all got to face facts some day -- the iPad is the inevitable future of all gaming. In years to come, the iPad will steadily replace all systems in what is quite clearly a zero-sum game where all that is new exists solely at the expense of the old. And smart people couldn't be happier about it, because the iPad is home to the best videogames on the market.
Angry Birds, Angry Birds Space, Angry Birds Star Wars -- the list of quality gaming experiences on iPad goes on and on, and the only safe game companies are those embracing the incontestable conclusion of everything videogames have worked towards. Companies like Nintendo, who have used the Wii U to give us a controller that is exactly like an iPad in every single way except for apps, multitouch, a retina display, comparable battery life, the ability to take it outdoors, and some other things.
The Wii U is now in a prime position to score some of those hot new iPad games, such as Angry Birds, Angry Birds Space, and even Angry Birds Star Wars. Meanwhile, the PS3 is stuck with lame shitty casual games like Angry Birds on the so-called PSN. What a lame duck.
Final Fantasy XIII isn't on it
It's the little blessings that make life worth living, after all! God bless you, Wii U -- you're literally Jesus Christ.
Sotanaht Touchable Holograms? When this eventually matures and hits market, almost all our regulars will vanish for weeks.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3seTlvQtIgcSerethyn Xenoblade Chronicles Wii for €10? Sure, Nintendo, don't mind if I do!KnickKnackMyWack Super Smash Bros. 4 has too much content. So much so I almost don't want a sequel. I honestly hope that NX gets a "Super Smash Bros. For NX" port rather than a new installment. It could be a GOTY edition and come with all of the DLC.Batthink [youtube]https://youtu.be/TSIpUX1HxGg[/youtube]Flegma Bought my first full-priced physical 3DS game ever - New Style Boutique 2: Fashion Forward. I'll try to write a post on the previous game at some point before doing the same with NSB2.Terry 309 How do you guys manage to buy all these games at day 1 with such huge backlogs?FlanxLycanth Guys if I were to do a thing, how many of you would watch my thing because I was thinking of doing a thing but I dunno if people really like that kinda thing so I just wanted to know if you liked that thing because I'm thinking of doing a thing, you know?Atleastimhousebroken Bayonetta 2 is 40% off in the EU Nintendo eShop today. If you have a WiiU and don't have this game you are a horrible person and I want nothing to do with you. You can amend your errors by buying it. Xenoblade Wii is also 50% off as well.El Dango [img]http://i.imgur.com/dfif5er.png[/img]SeymourDuncan17 Protag shipping is best shipping.
[img]http://i.imgur.com/7bAUNmW.jpg[/img]El Dango My dreams are really weird and scary, so I hope it's okay if I let them be dreams.Fenriff Finally played the last two Shantae games. Risky's Revenge wasn't bad, but Pirate's Curse was damn good.Flegma Memo to self: spend your time cleaning before wasting ten or so hours on a cblog you'll end up just scrapping because you're incompetent and incapable of writing on the subject.VIRGO Is there an occupation out there for people who want to give up and not worry about shit for a while until they can recompose themselves before going back into society?Parismio That test was pretty raw. Some decisions cut deep, some I didnt care for at all. But im satisified with the end result.Lawman [img]https://38.media.tumblr.com/acf3adac68ecc92f8a061d75a97bde27/tumblr_nvwgodQfTC1u16a8ho1_400.gif[/img]Torchman OH BOY, CAN'T WAIT TO DEAL WITH STAPLES FOR THE THIRD TIME TOMORROWMeanderBot People are having serious anthropological discussions about video games and here I am reminding people that they have one more day to get a dumb card I painted: http://tinyurl.com/oywzrmtSr Churros I just finished this thing here: http://slimedrippings.tumblr.com/gamefaqssort
I'm mostly happy with my results, altough it lacks some stuff like Skyward Sword or Sonic & Knuckles [img]https://www.filepicker.io/api/file/1gnV0QimScyQVPgCJbEe[/img]techsupport While I am glad I only paid $15 for it, I bought J-STARS VS+ for one specific reason: to drink some beer and kick ass as Yusuke and Hiei. And in that regard, it delivers. Beer not included.