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Why fanboys are better than you

3:00 PM on 03.28.2009 // The GHost

[Editor's note: The GHost shows us why fanboys are the best thing God ever created. -- CTZ]

I’m posting today with one goal in mind: to set the record straight on some of the misconceptions surrounding fanboys. As much as I would like it to not be the case, the word “fanboy” is often used as a negative term, and that just ain’t right.

Without further ado, allow me to detail why fanboys aren’t only a good thing, but are actually much better people than you or I. 

Fanboys are really the only ones furthering the development of the English language

Sure, there are so-called “scholars” out there that will claim that fanboys are ruining English with their horrible spelling and the malformed series of letters and inappropriate punctuation that they claim are sentences. But any truly astute individual can see that they are actually helping to push not only the English language, but all languages forward. How else can you explain the phrase Microshitting fagtarts? It’s a brand new term that fanboys have graciously given us, which allows us to describe a whole group of people that up until now remained unnamed. Without advances like that, language as a whole would cease to grow and mature, leaving us with embarrassingly antiquated terms and descriptors. I, for one, know that I want my future children to have insults to call people online other than old standbys like “faggot” and “homo-ass dick licker”.

Furthermore, the brave, daring and indeed artful restructuring of grammatical rules that fanboys practice flies in the face of the established convention. A convention backed by a hard-headed old guard that is terrified of the changes and advances that fanboys are heroically trying to develop, not for themselves, but for the rest of us. This honourable rebellion is incredibly stirring to watch as you can see fanboy after fanboy stand up and post comments one after another, thereby showing all of the agents of grammatical convention that they will not go quietly into that cold, dark night. LOL FAGS!

Fanboys do a lot of great work for the worldwide black, gay and lesbian communities

Along with their refinement of the art of written communication, fanboys can often be seen trying to break down hateful racial and sexual barriers. They do this by taking away the discriminatory power of words like “gay nigger faggot” and “dyke bitch fuckslut” by making sure that they use them as often and loudly as possible. You see, the fanboys understand that real social change can only happen if we realize that there are no proverbial “sacred cows”. And that if we all join together, we can reach across the Internet and join with our brothers and sisters, regardless of their sexual preference or race, in a glorious union of screamed obscenities that will forever shatter the walls that divide us. What’s even more impressive is that not only do fanboys have the wherewithal to understand all of this and have the willpower to try and make the dream a reality, but most of them are only 14-years-old! Who says that young people aren't into social activism?

Fanboys are the authority on their respective product and are always willing to help their fellow man make a good purchasing decision

Who else would know more about Nintendo and Nintendo products than a Nintendo fanboy? If I ever need to make a purchase I know that I can get the best information available, not from some corporate website like, but from someone on the ground floor that spends all of his or her free time obsessing over the item in question. This is a service that fanboys will cheerfully give you for free, even if you don’t ask them. All you need to do is go to a Web site that reviewed whatever thing that you’re interested in and look in the comments for one left by a fanboy. And what could be a painstaking process of sifting through useless “normal” comments is easy, because fanboys often helpfully highlight their comments by typing them entirely in caps. On the flipside, negative fanboy comments on a product are also extremely useful, because who knows the faults of a product better than someone who is fervently attached to a competing product?

Any good fanboy worth his/her salt has spent hour upon hour doing real, hardcore research to find out the truth so that they can share it with you. Take advantage of that!

Fanboys are “Gamers” in the truest sense of the word

Fanboys prove their dedication by having huge Gamerscores and such. Pay no heed to the oldfags and fagfags that whine about “having jobs” or “spending time with friends and family” or “not really being into e-peen waving competitions”. Those people are weak and have no right to call themselves gamers. The true gamers are those that will jump to defend their favourite shooter (and it must always be a shooter) with threats of extreme violence and terrible retribution to their opponents without a moments hesitation. Anyone that doesn’t clearly isn’t dedicated enough to even be in the same comment thread as those giants of gaming that we call fanboys.

Well, hopefully this post has cleared up some of those misconceptions that you had coming in. Remember: next time you see a fanboy in a forum or in the comments, pay attention and give him/her the respect that he/she deserves you Microshitting fagtarts. You just might learn how to stop being so ghey LOLLOLOLol1o1l1o1o1l!L!OLLOLOLLLOlolol!11!!1!1

The GHost,
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