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When gamer fashion goes tragic

8:56 PM on 04.15.2007 // Colette Bennett

I was browsing the intertubes this morning in hopes of finding a new t shirt to add to my wardrobe, because like most women, I love to shop. I also have a pink jewel encrusted tampon chest in my bathroom, a minature poodle named Fiddlesticks, and a muscled swedish man named Hansel making me salmon pate in the kitchen as we speak. What a life!

Anyway, back to the point. Although I didn't find anything while I browsed about, I did find that there are an unsufferable number of terrible gamer related T-shirts on the market, most of which I would not want to be caught dead wearing. Hit the jump to see the worst offenders, which I will likely torch the next time I see them on the street on a human body.

Ok, let's talk about how this shirt could have been cool. Firstly, just the selection of items by itself would have been just fine. But some clever marketing guy HAD to say, "You know what it needs? A witty slogan. Let's come up with one!" Hence this ridiculous sentiment. To test the utter lunacy of it, try saying it to another human being, even one of your friends. At best, the people that love you most will likely sneer at you. At worst, you may be stoned to death in a public place. 

Nothing about this shirt makes sense. Nothing. The phrase itself is used as a common excuse why people do porn. Somehow this slogan is being tied to Mario, yet Mario has nothing to do with porn. It's not representative of Mario love and its not representative of porn, so it makes no statement either way. It is, however, an ideal representative of a shirt I would use to wipe birdshit off my car.

If Donkey Kong actually caught someone wearing this, I think he'd likely punch said person square in the junk. I can't say I'd be able to blame him. Let me just say that puns are the only thing less funny than court jesters, and this one takes the cake by taking an already ghetto phrase and making it completely cringe worthy. Also, I believe this fine garment is sold at Hot Topic, which ought to sum up its cool factor for you.

Where do I even begin with this? The pebbled chrome frame? The plastic PS2 logo? The fact that I would trust it to hold up pants? I envision this being worn by a guy with a fat diamond stud in one ear and chain necklace to match. If he's really rolling, he may have a platinum grill with the God of War logo in the front tooth. Why don't I ever meet these winners? That'd be a date to remember.

This by far is the winner of the batch. I suppose if my Paris Hilton hallucination back in paragraph one had been true, I could worn this around the house during the day. Trust a marketing genius to take the legendary image of the NES controller and make it look like its been vomited on by Barbie after a round of Pepto Bismol. Yet women wonder why our demographic in the gaming world is still vague.

What's the difference between a good piece of gamer merchandise and the list above? I believe it shows in love of the genre and not love of the dollar, although it'd be ideal to have an equal balance of both. Sites like The King of Games and Nerdy Shirts seem to be doing a good job more often than not. What's your favorite gamer wear? 

[Disclaimer: If any of you should happen to own any of the merchandise above and are offended by my analysis, I do apologize. Feel free to send me your merchandise and I'll happily set it on fire for you, saving you both the time and effort.]


Colette Bennett,
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