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Last summer I received some news unlike any I had ever experienced before. A friend of mine -- a fellow student, scientist, gamer -- took his own life. The long delay between attending his memorial service and writing this piece today isn't for lack of thought about it. He still shows up in my dreams, at which point the rational part of my brain says, "This isn't real. He's gone." But when I wake up, I wish I could turn that part off for a bit just to enjoy a little more time spent with him, if only in my dreams. No, I certainly haven't forgotten about him; it's just taken this long to start to come to terms with it all.
We weren't even the best of friends. I taught a laboratory course with him, I played soccer with him, and I had him over to my apartment a couple of times to play Rock Band, but we certainly could have spent more time together. I often wonder if I would have been able to pick up on any of his personal issues, or if I could have done something to prevent his decision to end his own existence, were we closer friends. But of course, this line of thinking isn't helpful for anything.
All I can do now is hope to hang onto the good memories I have of him. I lent him my copy of The Orange Box, since he wanted to try out Portal, but didn't particularly care about any of the rest of it. He kept telling me he'd pay me back by lending me his copy of Mass Effect someday. Another time, I invited several of my fellow graduate students over to my place for drinks and games. He showed up with his laptop, and he proceeded to use my Wi-Fi to play World of Warcraft. Everybody else eventually coerced him into singing "Still Alive," which is the worst/funniest rendition I've heard of the song to this day.
The more I thought about the fun memories of him that I have, the more I thought, "we sure do live in some strange times." Should my memory ever fail, there are persistent records of all occurrences, accessible to everybody on the Internet. If I need to be reminded what he looked like, there are photos on Facebook. If I can't remember what he sounded like, there are videos on YouTube. If I want to read about the research he did, I can search his name on SciFinder. And if I have an inexplicable urge to analyze his gaming habits, I can always check his Gamercard.
Clearly, he was more of a PC gamer than a console gamer, logging only nine unique 360 games over the course of about two years. Mass Effect, the game he repeatedly tried to get me to play, he hadn't touched since December of 2007. Scrolling up a bit, he has The Orange Box, last played in May of 2008. As far as I know, it's the only existing record that I had made any measurable mark on his life.
At the top of the list, there is Dead or Alive 4. Last played on Friday, July 10th, 2009. It will always be the last game he ever played on his 360. Indeed, the entire page will remain frozen in this state for who-knows-how-long, until Microsoft decides an appropriate amount of time has passed to consider his account defunct. It fascinates me and makes me sick to my stomach at the same time.
It's a tired cliché that gamers don't understand the reality of life and death. "In life, there is no reset button," or "in this game, you only get one life." That's all bullcrap. I will never fully understand my late friend's motives, but I do know that he knew what he was doing. He knew that it's a decision that, once effected, cannot be undone. And he must have considered the anguish he'd cause his friends afterward. For that, I can never forgive him.
But along with the pain he left me with, he led me to some introspection. If I were to die tonight, would I be content with the mark I've left on the world? Have I accomplished what I wanted to at my age? Have I eaten enough food, have I made enough love, have I played enough games, have I touched enough people? Would my persistent digital footprint suffice? And if not, what can I do to make it so?
What will be the last game I ever put on my Gamercard? Will it be great, mediocre, or terrible? Will I even finish it? I can't know the answer to most of these questions, but you may notice that I have finally begun playing Mass Effect. Though I will never get a chance to discuss it with him like he wanted, it is the one final thing I feel I must do to pay my respects. So long.
But, to answer the somewhat rhetorical question in the title of your blog: I hope it has zombies in it, and I hope it was played with friends :)
Oh...joy. :)
From a purely selfish perspective I hope that the last game I ever play is yet to be made, and I get to spend many more years with my loved ones, especially my girlfriend and daughter.
If I were to realise the onset of my death, though, then the last game I would play would probably be Boom Blox or Lego Star Wars with my girlfriend. Not my favourite game, but the one we enjoyed most together.
Sorry for the loss of your friend Dexter and I hope your able to find some peace or feel a little bit closer to him by playing Mass Effect.
Going back to the question though, I hope the last game I play is any 2D fighter with a group of friends at my house.
I think about that sometimes, what our e-footprint says about us. Its very strange how we have all this information about us, but no coherent record of who we are. Not necessarily.
Awkward humour a-go-go!
Oh, my game would be Final Fantasy III(VI, whatever).
As for the last game I ever play, I like RichardBlaine's idea of going back to the beginning for symmetry. Microsoft Adventure (text-based fantasy game).
A guy I work with died just before Christmas. We didn't talk much, but we worked together a lot. He was into World of Warcraft. He was twenty seven!
Let's see the last game I ever play. Probably Halo 3. Not because I particularly like Halo 3 but because it's the one game that's ever been able to bring me and my brothers together and just provide countless hours of mindless fun. That game has provided some incredibly disctint lulz moments in my family. Keep split screen alive devs.
Its hard because while you might have felt sorrow or rage in your life prior, this time there's just no one to direct it at. They're gone, as it to spite everyone that cared with a permanent "You didn't love/care about me." That's why its unforgivable. Its such a pathetic way to go out.
When my friend took his life, I still had things I had borrowed from him. His parents told me I could keep the stuff, but I just couldn't bear to look at it. He was never ahle to beat Ninja Gaiden and I helped him with that and we'd play lots and lots of Mario Bros via. SMB3 on the SNES version. Non-stop for hours.
I've not really played classic-style Mario Bros since then, just never feels right. Nor have I touched Ninja Gaiden. I probably could now, but I'd remember too quickly. And that was 14 years ago, just after we had returned from spring break, 44 days from graduation, too.
I guess if I had to choose a last game to show on my gamercard it would be something restful and pretty like "Flower"... though the reality is that it will likely be an online multiplayer FPS game.
I want WiiFit to claim my life.
If I had to pick a game I guess it would be FF14 since I know this game will be consuming most of my time.
the last game i will play?, well that would be the game of real life of course.
I was just debating whether I wanted to play GTA IV or No More Heroes 2. I think I'll seize the day and play the latter.
My choice is a pretty odd one. I would like it to be the first game I properly owned, Bugs Bunny: Lost in Time. For nostalgia's sake.
Fuck.
I guess i have been "blessed" wo/any major deaths around me.
I can't even imagine, sorry.
I guess my last game would be Resident Evil 5. Just because i never stop playing.
Specifically <333 the Co-Op. (( That's where the real lulz are had. ))
@ Xzyliac
My thoughts & prayers go out to you as well!
No one should be without any of their beloved parents! <33333.
Also, as long as WoW isn't the last game I play, my soul can rest in peace.
I kind of hope the last game I play is something that will leave people confused. Maybe a Disney game or something like DOAX2. I just imagine there would be some interesting conversations about it. However it will probably be some RPG.
And there is a good chance the last game I'll play before I die will be Ocarina Of Time, since it's my favorite game of all time and I play it a lot. Let's just hope I don't die on the one day I decide to play Muscle March or something like that.
Oh, I know. I wrote that at like 2:30 in the morning.
Majora's Mask will be my last game. I didn't care that it was shorter than the others, it took a new step in the Zelda universe that Nintendo should try and do again with a Majora's Mask 2 or something. If anything I just want to die happy knowing that I will be remembered like you remember your friend.
And, in contrast to what stevil thinks of the game, I'd recommend you put Okami at the top of your "to play" list, it's very solid and has some conventions that are novel enough to justify a playthrough in and of themselves.
off the top of my head, I'd probably want Shadow of the Colossus to be my last game; any game that puts me into that sort of placid, floaty mood would be a good choice imo (e.g., Braid, flower, or RapeLay)
@Holyetheline
Good God, or you have a shitload of friends or you're a terrible friend.
This was a very though provoking article, thank you for writing it.
Thanks for sharing this.
While I'll probably die with a Persona game as my last-played (those games are frikkin' LOOOOONG), I'd really like to finish it the way it started: with Pokemon Crystal. It was the first game I ever owned and it has a very sentimental value for me as it really shaped me into what I am now and who I am now.
I apologize for your loss.