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WF Portmanteau: Mi swaga es su swaga

4:43 PM on 07.20.2007 // William Haley

This E3 was a lot like the old E3's, except that it was totally freaking retarded and free stuff was hard as hell to come by. Luckily, my supposed Jewish ancestry gives me a heightened ability to gather mass amounts of swag, even when they are heavily guarded by gate and bar babes. I can't promise no one had to die for me to get this stuff, but I can promise that I probably touched them inappropriately before burying them behind the abandoned house on 245 Macaro St in downtown Los Angeles.

Hit the jump to get this show on the road, and if you're new to portmanteaus then please step right up. It only hurts for the first few minutes, then I fall asleep completely satisfied with myself and dream of creamy strawberry fruit bars that they don't sell anywhere anymore except for in the dream world. 

This week you'll be competing to the death for some leftover E3 swag that doesn't fit my girlfriend because she's depressed and won't stop eating. She just keeps rocking back and forth in the corner crying "How could you do that to me while I was unconscious?" and I'm like "Listen fatty, if you're not gonna wear this crap then I'm gonna give it to the smartest person at Destructoid. Or Gomeja, whoever guesses it first!"

If you live in the UK or really anywhere that's not part of the 50 states that make up the REAL WORLD, shipping of items may take longer. As in never. So, the rules:

1. Two guesses at a time only. They can be one for the game, one for the movie, or two for either. You get two more after your first two have been answered, and so on. Answers will come every 5 or 10 minutes until the port is solved.

2. The winner who guesses my port correctly will then need to defend their prize. If you can keep other players from guessing YOUR port within a certain amount of questions, then the swag is all yours. If you fail at life, then you get a bag of Goblin Nutz and the knowledge that someone else is off getting laid and doing lines off the back of Playboy bunnies in their new Fallout 3 T-shirt, and that could have been you.

3. Yes I am in a bad mood today.

4. #3 wasn't really a rule, more like a statement.

For all those who have been asking and especially whoever keeps writing notes in fire on my front lawn, Portmanteau will be a weekly feature from now on, most likely on Thursday or Friday around noonish. Thanks for your interest, I'm glad I have created a feature that not only wastes my time, but all of yours as well. <3 <3 <3

List of Prizes

1 Red Trim Gamecock T-shirt (M or L)
1 Black Trim Gamecock T-shirt (M or L)
1 Surprisingly Nice Fallout 3 101 T-shirt (M or L)
1 Gamecock Cocksucker (Peppermint or Cinammon)
An assortment of salty Goblin Nutz  
 

Previous Ports: 

Portmanteau #1
Portmanteau #2

 

I'm thinking of a portmanteau. Ready... go! 

Photo Gallery: (4 images)
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William Haley,
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