Possessing the massive thighs of Chun-Li and the curvy package of Ryu, I strutted into the GameTrailers TV studios a couple weeks ago and shot a segment in which I talked about the most anticipated games of 2009. When I reached the set I tossed off my red gi and revealed my bulging Zangief pectorals and triangular-shaped chest hair. “I am here!” I proclaimed as I sat down in front of the camera, grabbed an unsuspecting production assistant, and made sweet love to her in front of everyone.

Okay, in all honesty, none of that happened. I did shoot a fun segment for the show, but that’s where the manly theatrics ended. In fact, I have no idea how much of my stuff the show will even be able to air, since I made multiple jokes about a Mike Tyson final boss in Wii Punch-Out!! that rapes you and the size of my giant erection once Miyamoto announces the new Zelda game.

Ugh. What is wrong with me?! My mother raised me so well, I swear!

To see what clean jokes of mine they got to keep (if any!), check out GameTrailers TV tonight at 1:00 a.m. EST on Spike. I hope I make Destructoid proud!