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Want a free $3000 Velocity Micro gaming computer and Crysis? Top that! Top that! photo

Two weeks ago we asked you to bring it.  And oh man ... its been broughten

The photo entries to win the Velocity Micro contest have been epic: we've had gangsters, ninjas, zero-gravity stunts, nerdcore, and the stakes keep getting higher.  With two weeks to go, Thornn has taken the lead for the most outrageous and creative interpretations of the contest rules, scarring his competition for life. I have to take a moment to personally thank you for putting the Destructoid logo on your man bewbs. No matter what happens, we'll always have this moment. Yet we beg to ask: Does anyone have the creativity, skill, and/or cojones to top this entry? 

Now folks, while we're happy to expand our audience to the gay and cthulhu demographic, but don't feel pressured to kidnap a college cheer leading team, carve Destructoid on their foreheads, and photograph them in a burning van surrounded with dead sharks and leaping motorcycles in an electrical storm. I'm sure there are also pets, old people, props, and Photoshop enhancements that can be executed before exposing your scrotum to the c-blogs. Talk to your art teacher, watch a Fellini movie, eat some moldy bread, sculpt our nose hair, and get back to us. Did I mention this computer is retarded fast comes with Crysis?!! You've got two weeks, man! 

As promised, we've assembled a new clue to help lost scavenger hunters find their way. If you haven't figured out what to do yet your fortunes should change today. Good luck!

 






Contests Official Rules



No Purchase Required to Enter or Win

1. Eligibility: Destructoid.com contests are usually provided by sponsors who, due to customs and shipping costs (yay budgets), often limit participation to individuals who are legal residents of the fifty (50) United States (unless otherwise stated) and are 12 years of age. We encourage our overseas friends to be super sneaky and make a friend in the United States who can receive your prize, and then you two figure out the customs/logistics. Be cautious about who you trust, obviously. Employees of destructoid.com, their advertising or promotion agencies, those involved in the production, development, implementation or handling of Contests, any agents acting for, or on behalf of the above entities, their respective parent companies, officers, directors, subsidiaries, affiliates, licensees, service providers, prize suppliers any other person or entity associated with the Contests (collectively “Contest Entities”) and/or the immediate family (spouse, parents, siblings and children) and household members (whether related or not) of each such employee, are *not* eligible and will be fired and publicly beaten if are caught participating. All U.S., federal, state and local and regulations apply.

2. Agreement to Official Rules: Participation in the Contest constitutes entrant’s full and unconditional agreement to and acceptance of these Official Rules and the decisions of the Sponsor, which are final and binding. Winning a prize is contingent upon fulfilling all requirements set forth herein.

3. Entry Period: The start and end dates/times of each Contest (the “Entry Period”) will be posted on the applicable Contest site.

4. Entry: To enter a Contest, follow the instructions on the Contest site. Submission will result in one (1) entry. The number of times you can enter the Contest will be posted on the applicable Contest site. The use of any agencies or automated software to submit entries will void all entries submitted by that person.

5. Drawing: At the conclusion of the Entry Period, we will select the names of the potential winners in a random drawing of all eligible entries received during each Entry Period. The number of winners to be selected in a specific Contest will be posted on the applicable Contest site. The odds of being selected as a potential winner depend on the number of eligible entries received during the Entry Period. Potential winners will be contacted via email and will be asked to provide their full name, age and mailing address within a specified time period. If a potential winner does not respond within the timeframe stated in the notification email, we may select an alternate potential winner in his/her place at random from all entries received during the Entry Period. Limit one (1) prize per household per Contest.

6. Requirements of the Potential Winners: Winners will be notified by the e-mail address associated with their account on destructoid.com.com and/or receive a Private Message on destructoid.com.com or through a Twitter Direct Message/Facebook message. Winners have five (5) days from the original message alerting them of their winnings to respond and claim their prize. If no winner comes forward within five business days, the prize will be forfeited and raffled again where Destructoid's hardcore fans are most active (forums/community blogs/facebook group).

7. Prize(s): The prize(s) (including each prize’s approximate retail value) available to be won in a specific Contest will be posted on the Contest site. No cash or other substitution may be made, except by the Sponsor, who reserves the right to substitute a prize with another prize of equal or greater value if the prize is not available for any reason as determined by the Sponsor in its sole discretion. The winners are responsible for any taxes and fees associated with receipt or use of a prize. Prizes will be mailed between 1 to 45 business days after winners have replied with their required info.

8. General Conditions: In the event that the operation, security, or administration of the Contest is impaired in any way for any reason, including, but not limited to fraud, virus, or other technical problem, the Sponsor may, in its sole discretion, either: (a) suspend the Contest to address the impairment and then resume the Contest in a manner that best conforms to the spirit of these Official Rules; or (b) award the prizes at random from among the eligible entries received up to the time of the impairment. The Sponsor reserves the right in its sole discretion to disqualify any individual it finds to be tampering with the entry process or the operation of the Contest or to be acting in violation of these Official Rules or in an unsportsmanlike or disruptive manner. Any attempt by any person to undermine the legitimate operation of the Contest may be a violation of criminal and civil law, and, should such an attempt be made, the Sponsor reserves the right to seek damages from any such person to the fullest extent permitted by law. The Sponsor’s failure to enforce any term of these Official Rules shall not constitute a waiver of that provision. In case of a dispute as to the owner of an entry, entry will be deemed to have been submitted by the authorized account holder of the screen name from which the entry is made. The authorized account holder is defined as the natural person who is assigned to an e-mail address by an Internet access provider, online service provider, or other organization responsible for assigning e-mail addresses for the domain associated with the submitted e-mail address.

9.Release and Limitations of Liability: By participating in the Contest, entrants agree to release and hold harmless the Contest Entities from and against any claim or cause of action arising out of participation in the Contest or receipt or use of any prize, including, but not limited to: (a) unauthorized human intervention in the Contest; (b) technical errors related to computers, servers, providers, or telephone or network lines; (c) printing errors; (d) lost, late, postage-due, misdirected, or undeliverable mail; (e) errors in the administration of the Contest or the processing of entries; or (f) injury or damage to persons or property which may be caused, directly or indirectly, in whole or in part, from entrant’s participation in the Contest or receipt of any prize. Entrant further agrees that in any cause of action, the Contest Entities’ liability will be limited to the cost of entering and participating in the Contest, and in no event shall the Contest Entities be liable for attorney’s fees. Entrant waives the right to claim any damages whatsoever, including, but not limited to, punitive, consequential, direct, or indirect damages.

10. Disputes: Except where prohibited, entrant agrees that any and all disputes, claims and causes of action arising out of, or connected with, the Contest or any prize awarded shall be resolved individually, without resort to any form of class action. All issues and questions concerning the construction, validity, interpretation and enforceability of these Official Rules, entrant’s rights and obligations, or the rights and obligations of the Sponsors in connection with the Contest, shall be governed by, and construed in accordance with, the laws of the Commonwealth of Virginia, without giving effect to any choice of law or conflict of law rules (whether of the Commonwealth of Virginia or any other jurisdiction), which would cause the application of the laws of any jurisdiction other than the Commonwealth of Virginia.

11. Contest Results: To enter the contest without needing to buy/sell anything or request a written copy of the name of the winners, send a self-addressed stamped envelope (stating the specific Contest you are requesting the winners for) to destructoid.com Contest Winners 260 King Street Suite 883, San Francisco California 94107. We run many contests, so please be specific in what you are requesting. Winner requests must be received within thirty (30) days from the end date of the applicable contest (they're always posted on our site though). Winners are usually posted the day following the contest on our contest section.

Lastly, Destructoid has the right to kick your ass and take away your prize if you are a total dickhead, so be cool and don't kick any puppies on your way to victory. Have fun with our contests and be a good sport when you win or lose. Remember: First you get the power, then you get the money, then get the baby.

 




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Yanier "Niero" Gonzalez is Destructoid's founder and guy-in-the-helmet.After 2,000+ stories posted and years of starting trouble on the front page he's now busy behind the scenes building the future of Destructoid. His story is our motto: "Living The Dream".

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53 comments | showing # 1 to 50
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next 50 comments

JtheYellow's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 10:58
JtheYellow
Yeah, thanks, I'll never look at that robot face without thinking about that guy's man-tits painted red.
king3vbo's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 10:59
king3vbo
C'mon brain, think of something good!!!!
Topher Cantler's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:00
Topher Cantler
AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAA *die*
MaxVest's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:01
MaxVest
Is there a way to unsee this?
Aaron Mxy Yost's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:02
Aaron Mxy Yost
I surrender!
Niero's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:03
Niero
It's kind of like the ring. You're all going to die 7 days from now.
atheistium's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:04
atheistium
auww, i really needed a new computer too :(
BahamutZero's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:09
BahamutZero
OH MY GOD MY EYES
wardrox's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:10
wardrox
That memory will never leave me.
Snaileb 's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:12
Snaileb
I guess he took the 'shave dtoid into your belly hair' a little too cereal..
Chad Concelmo's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:14
Chad Concelmo
This is why the word "amazing" was invented. :)
Kryptinite's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:22
Kryptinite
@chad

and by amazing, you mean gawd awful
MechaMonkey's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:32
MechaMonkey
Nobody else enter this contest. You will lose. Thornn will crush you with his lack of inhibition.
MechaMonkey's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:37
MechaMonkey
And the video? Perfection.
Maurice Tan's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:39
Maurice Tan
This looks quite decent through the goggles!
Ignus's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:40
Ignus
Are those purple thingys in the scrotum region Christmas tree decorations?
Ignus's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:43
Ignus
Also, does it matter if contestants are in Canadia?
Sharpless's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:46
Sharpless
Well, I found it... now that I know I can never top prior entries. Sigh. Oh well. :)
9to5's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:50
9to5
Nerdcore has taken a turn to the dark side.

That guy should totally win though.
Snoopbob2006's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 11:57
Snoopbob2006
I agree this picture is hilerious

this guy FTW
bloodylip's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 12:11
bloodylip
I will post the winning picture as soon as I can persuade my cats to hump on the computer desk.
imbeta's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 12:12
imbeta
My eyes... those aureoles... oh... gawd... gack
specter620's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 12:20
specter620
I found the site but not even going to bother with a submission now.
Niero's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 12:30
Niero
@Ignus - Yup, its open to Canadians
Darksaber101's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 12:31
Darksaber101
Destructoid has never been so hawt. Easily the best addition to Nerdcore to date!
Volcanon's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 13:04
Volcanon
Oh man that clue makes it pretty impossible to not find it now.
A New Challenger's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 13:07
A New Challenger
I agree with Volcannon. Found it in 10 seconds or less :)

Now comes the hard part.
kaneka's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 13:39
kaneka
yea....are those robot junx in the pic, or am i mistaken? (yes i did make eye contact with his crotch)
Eschatos's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 14:11
Eschatos
It's like giant pepperonis. Not tits. They're not tits, damnit!
Excel-2011's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 14:52
Excel-2011
Jesus no. Why give away the answer so soon?
Rockvillian's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 14:58
Rockvillian
Thornn, I salute you.

@the-excel

No rules just right OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE.
Pedro Blandino's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 15:02
Pedro Blandino
now your just giving it away niero.
Excel-2011's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 15:17
Excel-2011
Also, exactly what time will the contest end again?
aborto thefetus's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 15:17
aborto thefetus
Son of a bitch, I'll do anything for a free computer. Even watch that horrendous video.
Scrixx's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 15:46
Scrixx
I was gonna do something like that D:
Darren Nakamura's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 15:55
Darren Nakamura
Damn. What can I do to top this? I've come too far to give up so easily.
Niero's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 16:01
Niero
moar drunk underaged gerbils making out. or something.
aborto thefetus's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 16:09
aborto thefetus
I found it! finally! I feel sort of cheated though.
....God I suck.
JJ Rage's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 16:13
JJ Rage
The only things I can think of would probably violate laws in several states.
Fiat Mediocrity's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 16:19
Fiat Mediocrity
Once I figure out how to take this picture by myself with this setup, I'm going to be forever known as the King of Donotwantchia.
Samit Sarkar's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 17:30
Samit Sarkar
Haha, Niero...that page wasn’t a clue, it was a giveaway! I’m not complaining, of course...I hadn’t figured it out until you linked us to that Assembly page. I don’t think I’m going to bother entering, though...after seeing Thornnn’s and Dexter’s entries, I’ve realized that my own creative juices are woefully inadequate.
Gamechamp's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 17:33
Gamechamp
=[ I'm gonna be stuck with this crappy computer forever.
Bob Muir's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 17:50
Bob Muir
That's it. This wins. It can't be topped.
mix's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 18:29
mix
Holly crap! I was on that page before I CANT believe I never saw that :(

Also, Thornnns some pretty fierce competition...........
Pepillou2's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 20:06
Pepillou2
HUEG NIPPALS
Joe Burling's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 20:36
Joe Burling
pepillou2, I was thinking the same thing
Thornnn's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/11/2007 21:23
Thornnn
Thank you all for your support. and yes those are my real nipples (with some make-up added.) Btw Pic # 3 & 5 were totally my wifes idea and she helped with all the rest also.
Excel-2011's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/12/2007 00:00
Excel-2011
I hope you get murdered for selling yourself out like that, Thornnn.
Fading Star's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/12/2007 05:52
Fading Star
I have to go do some stuff that has nothing to do with puking....
Holyetheline's Avatar - Comment posted on 12/12/2007 09:42
Holyetheline
What's going on with that guys penis?
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