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Videogame characters that I would have sex with

5:00 PM on 06.27.2009 // Jim Sterling

Videogame blogs regularly churn out cynical list columns about sexy videogame characters so that they can appeal to and exploit the legions of horny teenage nerds that scour the Internet for anything even vaguely resembling Chun Li's vagina. Such articles are lazily thrown together, full of pictures to make up for the lack of written content, and then get a free ride to the frontpage of Digg.

Well, why should we not get ourselves a slice of that? 

If you're looking for a delightfully erotic good time, then look no further than this article, which will explore the sauciest videogame fantasies that one could ever have. Read on and learn all about the videogame characters that I would have sex. You'll be filling your jeans with bollock-vomit before the end of it!

Name: Kirby
From: Kirby series
Sexual Position: The Super Star

When you consider videogame characters that you'd have sex with, one would be a fool not to consider getting it on with Nintendo's famous pink ball of pleasantries. We've all considered it. It's soft, it's pink, and it doesn't even speak, so it couldn't tell anybody what it was you actually did that night when its parents were out. It's the perfect crime. Also, I have reason to believe that Kirby literally has the consistency of marshmallow, allowing penetration from any angle. 

Kirby also possesses one skill that will make him a perfect sexual partner, and I think you know what it is. If the little freak can suck in a sword-wielding monster that's equal to his own body mass, then imagine what he'd do to your cock for five bucks and a packet of Sun Chips. 

Name: Rouge
From: Sonic series
Sexual Position: The Bat Belt

I argue that wanting to shag Rouge the Bat from the Sonic games is not evidence of furry leanings, due to the fact that a bat looks a bit like it should be a reptile, and reptiles aren't furry, even though bats are. That is enough to legally cover me and allow me to look at crudely drawn images of Rouge getting pounded by Dr. Robotnik that I've drawn myself while wanking. 

Only an idiot would disagree that Rouge is quite the sexy strumpet. Besides which, years of working with Sonic the Hedgehog means that she's used to getting fucked in the ass, which means she's probably up for anything. Plus, the wings give you something to hang onto, which is an added bonus. 

Name: Psycho Mantis
From: Metal Gear Solid
Sexual Position:
The Second Port

I know, I know. Psycho Mantis isn't much to look at. He's actually quite hideous, and not somebody you'd ever want to touch with a ten-foot pole. That's the beauty of getting your mack on with Psycho Mantis, however. You wouldn't have to touch him. Mantis is a psychic and a master of telekinesis, which not only means that he knows exactly what you want, but he can get you to orgasm without even being in the room. You know all that tantric sex that Sting loves having so much? He ain't got shit on Mantis, son. 

Besides which, Mantis can also take over the minds of others, so if you get into a committed relationship with him, you basically get the ability to shag anybody you want in the world! How awesome is that? I'm not sure if this would be considered rape or not, but if there isn't a specific law against boinking women who are possessed by Russian mass murderers, then nobody can get in trouble. 

Name: Vertigo
From: Primal Rage
Sexual Position:
The Cobra Commander

I'm sure at some point in our lives, we've all considered what it would be like to have sex with a gigantic, prehistoric, bipedal snake that can hypnotize dinosaurs. Vertigo from Primal Rage makes all those fantasies come true. She's sleek, she's slim, and she'll swallow you whole. I think I'm in love, actually.

Also, if you happen to get her pregnant, you don't need to waste money on expensive abortions. Just cook and eat the eggs. Not only do you save money, but you get a tasty treat that only the unborn embryos of crossbred human/reptiles can provide. Everyone's a winner!

She's basically the perfect candidate for casual videogame sex. Job's a good 'un. 

Name: Jenova
From: Final Fantasy VII
Sexual Position: The Reunion

I don't know about any of you, but I love a strong woman who knows what she wants, and knows how to get it. They don't come more "modern woman" than Jenova, whose take-no-shit attitude and ability to ride planets like intergalactic surfboards practically invented feminism. Okay, so one of her tits has an eye on it, but who cares? 

People complain about the lack of a strong female character in gaming, but they don't come much tougher than this one. Jenova is one MILF who can taste my Lifestream any day of the week. Plus the head comes off, and you can do some proper Patrick Bateman shit with that.

Name: Tingle
From: The Legend of Zelda series
Sexual Position:
The Rosy Rupee

There's no escaping the fact that Tingle is an incredibly creepy ... thing. He's a thirty-year-old midget who looks a bit like Gilbert Gottfried, he dresses in a skintight green leotard and he's quite possibly some kind of pederast. Nonetheless, I would definitely want to have sex with Tingle, simply through sheer curiosity. I can't begin to imagine the kind of freaky shit he's into, and the only way to find out is to get him into bed. He looks like the kind of guy who'd fuck anything, too, so it wouldn't be difficult.

I think the following decade of shame and nightmares would be a fair trade for one night of complete and utter debauchery, which may or may not involve Tingle rolling around in a bathtub full of his own shit and blood. Something tells me that more and a few chickens of Hyrule have already known this kinky bastard's touch so I'm guaranteed at least the most interesting sex of my life. 

I wanted to work in a joke about "spine-tingling," but couldn't fit it in. It would have basically insinuated anal sex though, somehow. 

Name: Muk
From: Pokemon
Sexual Position: Sloppy Seconds

Seriously, if it's that wet and sloppy on the outside, imagine what its cunt looks like. I want to find out!

Name: Nurse Demons
From: Silent Hill
Sexual Position: The Pyramid Head

Their heads look like somebody got some clay and poked their dick in it a few times, but nobody's looking at the mantelpiece when they're stoking the fire, and as far as I'm concerned, the rest of Silent Hill's Nurse Demon's look pretty frigging shaggable. 

The fact that they'd be instinctively trying to kill me just makes the whole scenario even better, adding an element of danger. Nurses appear in every Silent Hill game, but if I could choose, then I'd have to go with the Silent Hill 2 ones, since they were borne of a widower's sexually frustrated psyche. You know those bitches would be up for a good time.

Blowjobs are crap though.

Name: The Overlord
From: Overlord series
Sexual Position:
Simply Straight Up The Arse

What can I say? I'm a whore at heart and attracted to men with power. Whether or not I find him attractive isn't the point. The point is that the Overlord has everything I need to pull an Anna Nicole-Smith and get my hands on all the loot and influence in the land. Taking it roughly up the arse from an evil tyrant would be worth it. 

Also, men who pursue so much power are usually overcompensating for something else, and if that's the case, at least the thrice-nightly anal will be relatively painless.

Name: The Witch
From: Left 4 Dead
Sexual Position: On Her Knees

Eh, she's already crying. Might as well disappoint her further. 

Jim Sterling, Former Reviews Editor
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Destructoid reviews editor, responsible for running and maintaining the cutting edge videogame critique that people ignore because all they want to see are the scores at the end. Also a regular f... more   |   staff directory

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