Note: iOS 9 + Facebook users w/ trouble scrolling: #super sorry# we hope to fix it asap. In the meantime Chrome Mobile is a reach around
hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts

Video game characters solve the oil spill crisis

5:20 PM on 06.08.2010 // wanderingpixel

[Editor's Note: We're not just a (rad) news site -- we also publish opinions/editorials from our community & employees like this one, though be aware that it may not jive with the opinions of Destructoid as a whole, or how our moms raised us. Want to post your own article in response? Publish it now on our community blogs.]

In case you've been living with Buddhist monks in the mountains of China for the past few months, there's a clusterf*ck down in the Gulf of Mexico involving an underwater oil well erupting and polluting the water. Experts are having difficulties stopping it, but never fear, celebrities like John Cusack and Oprah are working around the clock in a secret underground base to save us all. Even James "I'm King Of the World" Cameron has an idea -- he suggests fixing the problem by stuffing a few billion dollars he got from Avatar DVD sales into it, then pray to the Tree of Souls and wait for the rhinos charge the evil oil tycoons and their army of oil mechs. Anyway, it's a long story, so just click here if you've been out of the loop. Everyone else, read on.

Since everyone seems to have an idea on how to stop the massive leak, I figured, why not ask a few video game celebrities if they would like to throw in their two cents?

Kirby's Plan

I'll go underneath the ocean, put my mouth over it, and suck in the rest of the oil. I'll then lap up the rest of oil in the Gulf, as well as the oil that's covering the animals. Once I've got all the oil I'll go over to King Dedede's palace and won't that fucker be surprised. Meta Knight will then come at me, but I'll swallow some of the oil and spit globs of it at him. Not so badass when you're covered in dinosaur sludge, are you?



Kratos' Plan

I'll start out by taking a fleet of ships with a thousand men into the Gulf. I shall then descend into the heart of darkness itself, killing any oil soaked fish demons who get in my way. There is a chance I may find the dreaded Black Oil Humpback whale, but do not be afraid -- by using the head of Medusa I can turn them to stone and break them easily. Once I reach the dreaded gusher of Hades himself, I shall trap it in Pandora's box and unleash it upon those responsible. No longer shall the ocean be stained with black sludge. It shall instead run red with the blood of those who have defiled her, and the blood of the cursed ducks and baby seals I had to slaughter. Alas, I shall not find peace. Therefore I will drown in the blood ocean myself, so that the memories of my family's death will cease to haunt me.

Also, at some point I have a threesome with two Florida University student volunteers.



Mario's Plan

I'm-a thinking I can-a use some Goomba carcasses to fill up the opening. Then me and-a Yoshi can swallow all the animals and-a shit them out clean, providing they-a don't suffocate. Then I-a take a break -- union-a rules. I use-a annoying talking water cooler to clean ocean of-a sludge, and then kill-a all the squids who be-a polluting water. Peach can stand-a by on shore and pick some of those-a freaky turnips with faces we can eat afterward. And-a Luigi can... uhhh... play-a second player. Also, this-a gonna cost you twenty hundred red coins, plus extra for the-a rubber bands, gum, and-a paper clips I used.



Ekans' Plan

[Note: Please use Google translation to read this part of the post. Pokémon is located between Arabic and Gopher.]

Ekans Ekans, Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans-- Ekans Ekans -- Ekans Ekans. Ekans, Ekans Ekans Ekans, Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. EkansEkans Ekans. Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans: Ekans, Ekans Ekans, Ekans Ekans, Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans, Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. EkansEkans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans, Ekans, Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans.



Wrex's Plan

We Krogan live for hundreds of years, so I've seen hundreds of spills in my life and a few of them were oil. I can't swim, but I could jump into the ocean and sink to the bottom. Then I can eat all of the animals, I don't mind if they're covered in oil, that just makes them slip down the throat easier. In fact, whenever I eat an Asari, I like to put a little oil all over her body and then lick up the excess so that she gets nice and tender. Oh, wait, that sounds dirty, sorry. Anyway, I might be able to plug up the leak with some Drell. Hey, Thane, you got a sec?



Dr. Gordon Freeman's Plan

I could whack it with this crowbar. Or maybe I could use the Zero G something, something Gun? Oh, I know, we could... Awww who am I kidding. I'm not a scientist, I'm a fraud. I got this degree online, oh God Lamarr hold me!



Bobby Kotick's Plan

If BP buys three thousand Guitar Hero game/controller packs (Guitar Hero games now ranging from only $59.99 to $60!) they can use them to plug the hole. However, there will be a monthly subscription required for continual use, about $15 a month. We can then station modern soldiers to guard the oil well, that too will cost $15 a month, plus a few dollars to keep the soldiers alive. Remember, Activision supports our men and women in uniform. Hey, Mike, how much food do our brave defenders of freedom need to survive? That much, huh? OK then, cut that in half and tell the senators to have them out tomorrow. Oh, where was I? Oh yeah, let's build a Tony Hawk skate park so the poor animals and volunteers have a place to hang out and relax. There will be a $20 entrance fee, plus $10 for the optional exit fee. So what do you say? How about we sign the contract now.



wanderingpixel,
 Follow Blog + disclosure

This blog submitted to our editor via our Community Blogs, and then it made it to the home page! You can follow community members and vote up their blogs - support each other so we can promote a more diverse and deep content mix on our home page.





 Setup email comments

Unsavory comments? Please report harassment, spam, and hate speech to our community fisters, and flag the user (we will ban users dishing bad karma). Can't see comments? Apps like Avast or browser extensions can cause it. You can fix it by adding *.disqus.com to your whitelists.

 Quickposts
Status updates from C-bloggers

Agent9 avatarAgent9
Just got my Wind up Ifrit minion. I couldn't sell it, it was too adorable.
Agent9 avatarAgent9
Just got my Wind up Ifrit minion. I couldn't sell it, it was too adorable.
Parismio avatarParismio
I was playing Third Strike on PS3 with my PS4 controller and I tried using the dpad for the first and noticed that it doesnt take corner directional inputs. Is this normal for ps4 controllers on ps3?
Larxinostic avatarLarxinostic
I swear, it makes sense in context..... Kinda. Hmmm. Okay, not so much. [img]http://i.imgur.com/YhIzmYN.png[/img]
Agent9 avatarAgent9
Almost done with my Waifu wars blog. pretty happy with how it turned out.
SeymourDuncan17 avatarSeymourDuncan17
Time to scream and shout. It's Nanako cosplaying as her big bro! <3
Mike Wallace avatarMike Wallace
Bernie Sanders vs. Donald Trump is like Gandalf the White vs. Handsome Jack.
Sir Shenanigans avatarSir Shenanigans
Skellige is so cool! It's like the land of Valhalla Rising.
Torchman avatarTorchman
http://gonintendo.com/stories/251840-fire-emblem-fates-petting-mini-game-is-in-game-but-only-availa I THOUGHT THIS WAS GONE. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MINDS PEOPLE
Shinta avatarShinta
God damn, Bernie Sanders is just killing it with this speech. Hitting basically every point. He even used the word "oligarchy." Probably the first time I've ever heard that word uttered on CNN. I think a lot of people in power are shitting their pants
Pixie The Fairy avatarPixie The Fairy
In my haste to finally factory reset my tablet, I erased a blog I had worked on. Thankfully, it's fresh in my mind. It's another MGS blog, but it goes the opposite way of my last MGS blog. Pray this guy is not your husbando, for he is shit.
Sir Shenanigans avatarSir Shenanigans
Just ate a disgusting amount of sugary wonders in a Fat Tuesday blowout. Chocolate (birthday) cake, Oreos, brownies, cookie dough, and some creme brule thing. Satiation by way of eat-'til-you-puke is what Shenanigans says!
LaTerry avatarLaTerry
Is there any real difference between the PS3 and the PS4 versions of Valkyria Chronicles?
Shinta avatarShinta
KnickKnackMyWack avatarKnickKnackMyWack
Say whaaaaaat?
Gundy avatarGundy
Voting for Broforce made me think of the most American person that could ever exist. President Michael Wilson!
Fuzunga avatarFuzunga
By the way, that IGPX collection is a new release. It's the first time the show is available in a complete package, and the first time it's been available in any format in about 10 years. [url]http://amzn.to/20JSMCd[/url]
gajknight avatargajknight
This is your daily reminder that Taxi Driver is the best movie ever and if you disagree then all I can say is: God, you're square.
Nathan D avatarNathan D
I love when someone at work tries to claim you screwed up on something and it completely backfires on them. I try to help them save face afterwards, but secretly I'm like...
CoilWhine avatarCoilWhine
I still love Tearaway Unfolded despite the shit pacing and hell yeah I'm going for that plat. It'll be my 2nd plat, first since Sly 2 Remastered back in 2012. So it's been a while. gotta beat the game first tho :P
more quickposts


Contest!


Seriously

Invert site colors

  Dark Theme
  Light Theme


Destructoid means family.
Living the dream, since 2006

Pssst. konami code + enter

modernmethod logo



Back to Top


We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -