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Home The almighty dollar updates

Uwe Boll: the circus continues
9:39 PM on 05.31.2007, David Houghton 41 comments

Uwe Boll: the circus continues photo
     The almighty dollar

You might remember that on Monday, Jim gleefully reported on the fact that the scourge of game-based film and bringer of the bleeding eyeballs Uwe Boll is failing dismally to sell a role in his new cinematic hate-crime, Far Cry.

While this widespread apathy to Boll's generous act of fan outreach / cynical marketing ploy / desperate and miserable attempt to make money / whatever the hell his diseased mind thinks it is is of course hilarious, things have been made a bit more complicated by the current response from Screw Attack. It seems they actually want to give him the cash...

You see they've decided to "subvert" the whole fiasco by asking their readers for donations, in a bid to collect together the 2498 Euros ($3352) required to secure the part. The plan is to offer Boll the full asking price and then send someone from their camp over to the set. What happens then is unclear. Some manner of mockery is planned, presumably, and Screw Attack have said that if things don't go to plan, the funds will be used to buy some big competition prizes for their readers. Fair enough. 

The only thing is, isn't this giving Boll exactly what he wants? The man is nothing but a talentless chancer, skating through the film industry on IP licenses, tax breaks and whorish publicity drives, while geniunely talented film makers struggle to get noticed. While it might be funny to turn up on set and point at him and giggle for a bit, he'll be the one walking away with three grand in his back pocket and a downpayment on the next IP he wants to ravage for the furthering of his career.

We're talking about a man who's freely admitted that his films don't have to make money to make him a profit before, and someone who's used critic and fan hatred for free publicity his whole career. Apathy is the best way to quieten people like this, and his auction being ignored was the best thing that could have happened. People like this don't go away because you rise to them. They go away because you ignore them until they implode.  

Of course, I'm fully aware that by even running this story I'm adding to the whole mess by a degree, but seriously, is $3352 in this man's pocket worth it to give him a bit more of the mockery he thrives on? Unless there's some assasination plan involved that I don't know about, I'm not going to be cracking out my wallet any time soon. 

Maybe I'm taking this whole thing far too seriously, and should just be enjoying the tragic human sitcom that is Uwe Boll, but while the guy is clearly a moron on a film set, it seems he knows exactly what to do in terms of selling himself. 


 


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Faraday's Avatar
Faraday at 05/31/2007 21:51
Yeah, from their post I don't see any point in donating. It doesn't even explain why they want to go.
Mxyzptlk's Avatar
Mxyzptlk at 05/31/2007 22:07
I believe you're right, I can't imagine Dr. Boll didn't foresee something like this happening. He has a plan...
Christiangamer's Avatar
Christiangamer at 05/31/2007 22:33
Man those Germans first they try to ruin America with their hating our Jew cousins now they want to rape our Hollywood actresses with their bad movie game adaptations! It's times like these that I'm glad I voted for The Nuge he would have taken a more direct approach with dealing with these kinds of people. So thanks alot Roosevelt! If you had just nuke'd Germany none of this would be happening.
Campbell's Avatar
Campbell at 05/31/2007 22:40
Craig and Tom are capable of something. Trust me. It very well may be worth the few bucks you donate to them.

Being a long time Screwattack G1, I personally am excited for the outcome.
LordRegulus's Avatar
LordRegulus at 05/31/2007 23:12
Uhh, Dave...?

"Quieten"?

*grumble grumble kids 'n their grammar mumble mumble*
Detry's Avatar
Detry at 05/31/2007 23:35
UNDERSTAR's Avatar
UNDERSTAR at 05/31/2007 23:39
I totattly forgot bout the Nerd. I love to see the Nerd goin to Europe to casue krzy shit!
Necros's Avatar
Necros at 06/01/2007 00:12
@ Adamska: Sneaking a giant phallic symbol into the movie? From the trailers Boll has put out so far, how could that be any worse than what he's already planning?

Oh, and I need to start using "tragic human sitcom" to describe people.
William Haley's Avatar
William Haley at 06/01/2007 00:16
Uwe Boll is holding all the cards and Screw Attack, whoever the fuck they are, is feeding right into that. Unlike most cancers in the world, this one can be cured simply by ignoring him into Oblivion, which if you were a fan of the game you may want to do sooner rather than later.
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kittridge at 06/01/2007 01:54
.
hey i'm sorry guys and this might be video game blasphemy but I actually feel bad for him. The only time i've heard talk of him outside of VG websites is a clip of him saying that he doesn't understand why the video game players hate him so much..

Now, honestly I've never seen any of his films, so maybe it's not my place to say, but I just straight up feel bad for this guy. If the dudes at screw attack wanna poke fun and pay him for this mental rape that he must endure... ok. He is obviously the laughing stock of both Hollywood (which I wouldn't feel bad about) and the video game universe; which I would feel like the hugest loser for, so giving him a few bucks really isn't much different than giving a dollar or two to the local homeless guy. They both are ashamed (hopefully) for begging for money and in return, we get our vengeance, in Boll's case, eternal mockery.

So let him go on with it. Yeah, he may be a terrible director, or producer, whatever the hell he is, but we all get a laugh at his expense. So, really, we're even steven.

just my thoughts... spent the night at the bar
jimjo's Avatar
jimjo at 06/01/2007 01:58
If they were smart they would just ensure that the film never makes it to post-production.Set up a hijacking and fucking burn the film reels, hell throw them in molten metal ala T-2.The smart part comes in retracting every bit of malicious intent previously claimed and hire a private group to carry out the deed.I read too much Higgins.
Mxyzptlk's Avatar
Mxyzptlk at 06/01/2007 02:04
@ kittridge:

The difference between Boll and the local homeless guy is Boll has made tons of money off his movies, thanks to loopholes in the German tax code. Even films that bomb at the box office make him and his investors a huge profit. The actors who work with him don't care, because to them it's just another job.

I have a soft spot for terrible film (I have quite a few Troma flicks on DVD), so I can actually enjoy Boll's movies for the pieces of trash that they are. The guy is smart, he knows exactly what he's doing.
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kittridge at 06/01/2007 02:08
@ mxy

thanks for the clarification. in that case... laughing at him comes a bit easier for me. would it be wrong to check out one of his films out of pure curiosity? i don't want to add to his mountain of blood money!
Mxyzptlk's Avatar
Mxyzptlk at 06/01/2007 02:29
@ kittridge:

Why not? Renting or buying them used isn't going to make him any more money. :) I can honestly only speak for House of the Dead, I still haven't seen any of his other ones. It's so awful and the effects are so bad it's hilarious.
jimjo's Avatar
jimjo at 06/01/2007 02:30
@mxy

Bet you don't have ButtCrack

Know you have Terror Firmer

Whats your fav?
Im OK's Avatar
Im OK at 06/01/2007 02:31
If ScrewAttack (whoever the fuck they are) managed to get the Angry Video Game Nerd or GameJew into Far Cry, I'd certainly piratethemovieviaP2Pandwatchtheoneandonlyonescenetheywouldlikelybeinandthenpromptlydeleteitwithoutwatchingtherestofit. Yep, I'd certainly do that.
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kittridge at 06/01/2007 02:54
@ mxy

then that's definitely the one I wanna see.
House of the Dead. Sounds epic.

Mxyzptlk's Avatar
Mxyzptlk at 06/01/2007 02:56
@jimjo:

Of course I have Terror Firmer! No ButtCrack, my favorite is probably torn between Cannibal: The Musical or Surf Nazis Must Die. Tromeo and Juliet is great too.
jimjo's Avatar
jimjo at 06/01/2007 03:55
OMG, I havent seen Surf Nazi's Must Die! since I first got cinemax back in the 80's.Terror is great, "pickle in my ear!"

Speaking of, why is it they only show the Killer condom movie now and completely stopped with all the troma on cinemax?

Oh, Tromeo and Juliet,definite fav, just hard to get friends to watch with me, kinda like EraserHead, people don't get it.

ACT V: "You'll find after you marry she'll become a docile little bovine"

jimjo's Avatar
jimjo at 06/01/2007 04:01
Oh yeah, you guyz should do cannibal: the musical for shitty movie game night, since it is kinda like Oregon Trail...just a thought.
Tron Knotts's Avatar
Tron Knotts at 06/01/2007 05:44
It's pretty hypocritical for us to be praising Troma and condeming Uwe Boll in the same breath, no?

That being said, Class of Nuke'm High and Rabid Grannies are not to be forgotten. And what of My Nieghbor Totoro? Yes, in the United States, it was a Troma Film.

But back to the point, $3,000 is enough to pay one production assistant to get Boll's coffee for ten days of the shoot. It's a drop in the bucket to a film production, and in and of itself it will not help Boll.

What might help him is turning the tables on the Screw Attack guys like he did his critics in the now famous "Director vs Detractors" boxing matches.

After taking their money, Boll may just personally try to poop on them, stack them Guantanamo Bay style, film the whole thing, fire them, then not even use the footage in the movie.

He's the director. He will screw with them more then they will screw with him.
Snaileb 's Avatar
Snaileb at 06/01/2007 07:22
" should just be enjoying the tragic human sitcom that is Uwe Boll,"

Good Advice.
Brandon Undead's Avatar
Brandon Undead at 06/01/2007 07:27
To chastise them for "giving him exactly what he wants", and to then write this article. I mean, come on.
David Houghton 's Avatar
David Houghton at 06/01/2007 08:10
LordRegulus:

qui·et·en / ˈkwaɪɪtn / Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled

Pronunciation[kwahy-i-tn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA

Pronunciation Chiefly British

–verb (used without object)
1. to become quiet (often fol. by down).

–verb (used with object)
2. to make quiet.

It are a wordz. You had me going for a sec though. It was about 3am when I wrote this, and when I read your comment I wasn't entirely convinced I hadn't made it up. Thanks for keeping me on my toes though.
KyleGamgee's Avatar
KyleGamgee at 06/01/2007 14:22
My great hope is that any movie this man makes based on a video game is in no way considered difinitive or canon. Just realise that the Intelectual Property is still there, still available to be made right.

I mean, look at The Hulk. They are making another Hulk movie with the mind that the first one was never done. It's balls-y for sure, but more importantly it is true and correct to do so.
Stuttering Craig's Avatar
Stuttering Craig at 06/01/2007 15:49
man o man... i think you guys are looking too much into this. We're gonna do what we always do with stuff- have fun with it. If Boll, declines the cash then we give it back to our community. If you're not down with that then don't donate.
William Haley's Avatar
William Haley at 06/01/2007 16:33
Perhaps your intentions are good and all in the name of fun, but asking your fans for money so that YOU can go do something like one of the aforementioned homeless people do is a tad misguided. Then, if you don't get to go be in a movie and help Uwe Boll, the man who has personally launched an attack on all true gamers, you will give it back to your community... that paid for it in the first place. Brilliant!

I am going to call all my friends and family and ask them to each give me a couple bucks so I can buy an Xbox 360 Elite (which they can play when they come over, or at least watch a video of me playing on my website). If the store doesn't have any, then I will promise to give the money back to them after they win a series of contests. How could they say no?

Whatever whacky shenanigans you crazy kids have cooked up will play second fiddle to all the headlines reading "Thousands of gamers and Screw Attack join forces to pay Uwe Boll for a role in his latest film". Not only will I not help you do that, but I will consider you just as bad as he is. It's all jokes and playtime until Uwe Boll finally gets a hold of a series people actually care about, which you will be helping him do. Good job.
rebelcan's Avatar
rebelcan at 06/01/2007 18:12
I think that David is right, and that apathy is the best course of action. Total and complete ignorance of anything produced by Uwe Boll would send the right message to the film industry.

Yet, like trolls and good old Jackie boy, nobody seems to heed this warning.
Stuttering Craig's Avatar
Stuttering Craig at 06/01/2007 18:15
man... you guys are just retarded. Seriously... RETARDED.
William Haley's Avatar
William Haley at 06/01/2007 18:26
Excellent rebuttal Craig, maybe you DO belong in a Uwe Boll movie.
UglyDuck's Avatar
UglyDuck at 06/01/2007 18:34
That's not very nice. There's a good point among all this... It's great that you're doing this and all, i quite like a lot of ScrewAttack's output, and of course it will be fun (i don't think anyone is disputing that), but there are two sides to this... no-one here is retarded for having another point of view...

Personally, i smilled and was made happy seeing this, but think about it like this; if someone said they've give you $3000 for someone to make you life hell for a week, you'd probably go for it, because that's more than you'd earn in a month. We're not the only ones who are winning out of this.
Cyberxion's Avatar
Cyberxion at 06/01/2007 18:53
Kittridge, you probably should watch at least one of his films before suggesting that we cut the guy some slack.

He's hands-down the worst film-maker in the history of the industry, and while his rape-mining of our favorite hobby has been limited to some pretty low-key games thus far (with the possible exception of Alone in the Dark...), letting him continue on in this manner will inevitably lead to him getting his fool hands on the license to a game we care about, and that's just not an opportunity that any self-respecting gamer should be comfortable with letting him have.

I say we cut the dude off at the knees, before this shit gets out of hand.
Cyberxion's Avatar
Cyberxion at 06/01/2007 18:57
Oh, never mind that. It's all been suggested already. Redundancy, thy name is Cyberxion.
Mxyzptlk's Avatar
Mxyzptlk at 06/02/2007 01:20
@ Tron Knotts:

The difference is intent. The vast majority of Troma flicks are made by depraved people who love making movies. They know full well they won't become rich doing what they do, but they want their demented vision on film. Boll is in this to make bucketloads of quick cash.
Iceciro's Avatar
Iceciro at 06/02/2007 12:25
Two things - firstly
Mxy, you are correct sir and get a gold star. Additionally Troma isn't out anally raping someone else's IP.

The person to go after is NOT boll, he doesn't CARE what you or I think.
The person to go after are the companies that allow him to take the IP of our beloved games and do this to him. Boll knows he's a dick and he doesn't care. We should be asking Ubisoft why the fuck they sold him a license to do anything, including exist, much less do this to Far Cry. We should be sending angry letters to Ubisoft, not Boll, we should be getting their attention. Uwe doesn't need any more attention.
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