Note: iOS 9 + Facebook users w/ trouble scrolling: #super sorry# we hope to fix it asap. In the meantime Chrome Mobile is a reach around
hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts

Ubidays 08: Six previews of Ubisoft's Games for Everyone lineup

11:54 PM on 05.28.2008 // Hamza CTZ Aziz
  @CTZ

Every station at Ubidays was packed full of journalists and bloggers. Every stations except for the Games for Everyone stations that is. I should have known better. I figured I had some time so I'd check out what Ubisoft was offering with their casual games.

I think I lost some of my manhood after I finished hearing about My Secret World for the Nintendo DS. You would too if you had to hear about a game that's nothing more than an electronic diary for more that ten minutes. If you're smart, you'll completely avoid this preview post. If you're feeling brave (or bored), all I can suggest to you is that you have Fleshbot ready to go in another tab so you can cleanse your soul after you've read everything. 

First of all, none of these games should be considered Games for Everyone. All of these games are targeted towards little girls. 

Petz Dogz Wii: 

Actually, Petz Dogz for the Wii is the only exception here as little boys could enjoy this game without making their fathers worry about their sons fututre as a potential cock chaser. Now then, all you little boys and Electro Lemons pull up a seat and let me tell you all about Petz Dogz.

In Petz Dogz, you get to pick between 18 different breeds of puppies and raise them as if it was a real dog. If you're stuck having to play with puppies on a videogame though, it probably means your parents don't love you enough to get a real dog. In fact, their love for you is as real as the dogs in Dogz

You'll be able to teach your dog over 20 different tricks and you can go do activities like play fetch or race your puppy against other dogs. You'll also be able to customize your puppy with different hats, clothes, masks and OH MY GWAD THE PUPPY SNEEZES ALL CUTE LIKE WHEN HE PUTS ON A MASK! YOU'RE SUCH A CUTE LITTLE PUPPY! YES YOU ARE! OH YES YOU ARE! ... 

Er, anyway. The game will support up to four players where you can compete against each other and trade dogz with your friends. No word on any Red Rocket mini-games.

Imagine Girl Band DS:

Now it's time for all the girl games. In Girl Band, you play as a girl in a band. You'll have the option of playing with drums, guitar, bass and the keyboard. Playing the instruments is exactly like Guitar Hero. Press, strum, the instruments in time with the colored icons that scroll by the screen. 

You play dress up with your characters and earn money to become more popular and land record contracts. The game, however, won't show the dark side of rock stardom that's filled with drugs, alcohol, and meaningless sex. Little girls are going to play this assuming they'll become a popular rockstar only to have their hearts broken years later as they fall from stardom and are stuck sucking their dealer off for another fix.

One actual awesome feature in this game is that it has four-player support. Each person and DS can be playing one of the instruments, forming a band like Rock Band. This game would likely have done better if this was targeted towards both sexes and had more focus on the music. 

Girl Band will be out in July. He, look at that Mr. Activision CEO. It's another game that beat your full band experience. Jinkies!

Imagine Fashion Model DS:

Fashion Model lets you design clothes and live the life of a Fashion Model, all without the anorexia. The end.

Babies Party Wii:

Babies is another little mini-game aimed for kids who hate their younger siblings and can unleash their anger by abusing the babies in Babies. You'll have over 30 mini-games that up to four-players can play.

Babies is just like Dogz. In fact, real babies are just just like dogs in real life. You have to feed them, clean up after them when they poop, and entertain the little monsters. If they're still to annoying after all of that, you just dump the kid off with your mom and go to the local high school to check out all the fresh jailbait. Oh yeah ladies, I'm single.

Babies is also a secret way to tell if your friends are racists and/or homosexuals. If your friend goes straight for the white baby, then obviously he's a racist. If your friend immediately picks the black baby, then it's obviously just a cover to show you he's not really racist, but in fact is. And then there's the whole fact your friend is picking a boy in the first place. Obviously he has some feelings for boys.

Of course, only people with immature minds would be thinking like this. I am a very mature person. 2 plus 2 is 4. See, told you.

Imagine Teacher DS:

Imagine Teachers has your little girl playing the role of a teacher. Why on Earth would any little girl wish to deal with other people's retarded kids and the shit pay is beyond me. Anyway, you'll start off with four kids in your classroom (two girls, two boys), and the better you do, the more kids you'll be allowed to teach. You'll be teaching your kids through mini-games and helping their development along the way.

Now see, this is really a bad idea. All girls hate other girls (except lesbos). It's a natural fact of science. Any girls that play this game will purposely fail the female students. Not to mention that girls under ten will also fail the boys because of cooties. Girls over 10, however, will make sure the boys get perfect scores no matter what in the hopes that the boys show their digital pee-pees to the teacher. Hey, it's not wrong when a older female "molests" younger boys. That deserves a high-five.   

My Secret World DS:

Before I begin, I'd just like to thank Ubisoft for inviting me to Ubidays. With that said, THIS IS THE WORST "GAME" EVER CREATED. It's a diary. It's a God damn electronic diary. That's all this is. 

You'll have 150 pages max, tons of distraction items like stickers, quizzes and a multiplayer mode where everyone can take quizzes together. There's some other shit about this game, but I'm done. Superman 64 is better than this. Why would a girl waste their time buying this? You can't even write in it (you have to use a keyboard, can't actually write with the stylus). 

Wal-marts have diaries, journals and paper on sale all the time! Even more infuriating here is that this has voice chat support over Wi-Fi. Yeah, you can talk over the Internet in this game. Games that could actually benefit from this feature, like say maybe Tetris, has no way for you to talk to others, but this crap does?

Lucky for you Ubisoft, no little girls read Destructoid. You'll sell plenty of these titles to mindless impressionable little girls and continue to milk these Casual games until the end of time.

*sigh*, Time to visit Fleshbot.   

Photo Gallery: (34 images)
Click to zoom - browse by swipe, or use arrow keys






 Setup email comments

Unsavory comments? Please report harassment, spam, and hate speech to our community fisters, and flag the user (we will ban users dishing bad karma). Can't see comments? Apps like Avast or browser extensions can cause it. You can fix it by adding *.disqus.com to your whitelists.

 Quickposts
Status updates from C-bloggers

Batthink avatarBatthink
Regarding SMT favourites, mine is Succubus.
Gamemaniac3434 avatarGamemaniac3434
Hey, I here theres some premium blog o' mine just lying around the cblogs right now. Should go pick it up, while its still in stock-which is limited due to artificial scarcity. Also for favorite personas, I am also a big fan of samael. Cool design.
Sir Shenanigans avatarSir Shenanigans
Was going to start The Darkness 2 today but honestly I'm so into The Witcher I'm just going to keep that going, probably for the best, too. LETS GO SKELLIGE CAPN JACK SPARROW UP IN THIS
Nathan D avatarNathan D
Samael for me.
Jinx 01 avatarJinx 01
Am I the only one kinda turned off to Unravel because of the 10/10 score? I tend to see any 10/10 review as bullshit.
SayWord avatarSayWord
Gong Hey Fat Choy! Time to enjoy some delicious Shark Fin soup.
Occams avatarOccams
I've always been rather partial to Satan.
TheAngriestCarp avatarTheAngriestCarp
Every time Nekro changes his avatar, God lets a child in a third-world country starve to death. When will the killing stop, Nekro?
Jiraya avatarJiraya
Undertale ending in anime version (don't watch it if you have not played it yet) !
ikiryou avatarikiryou
Pixie isn't my abfave demon, but this cosplay is hhnnggalicious
TheAngriestCarp avatarTheAngriestCarp
El Dango avatarEl Dango
What if the 'OOSE' thing in the new Bourne poster is deliberate? What if it's like the bad guy or something?
drmcscott avatardrmcscott
No more night Xcom. Cant sleep. No more night Xcom. Cant sleep. WOrk perofmence bad. No moe night Xconm. Nad. Cmat sleep. Hep me! HJkelp me!
Nekrosys avatarNekrosys
SMT demons, huh? There's really only one choice.
Malthor avatarMalthor
One of my favourite demons from SMT is Samael, his death magic and Megido spell are always a great help( Megido especially made him the bane of golden hands in my last P4 playthrough). Plus he looks pretty badass.
FakePlasticTree avatarFakePlasticTree
Favorite demon in Shin Megami Tensei, eh? Oh, I got many but so I'll just pick one for now whom is a beast in the Persona series. Yoshitsune--Hassou Tobi, Heat Riser = Don't fear the REAPER!
Flegma avatarFlegma
Played half an hour of Last Story. Yay, British voices! But the absence of colours makes me want to play other games instead, especially in this greyscale season.
HeyItsDad avatarHeyItsDad
There's not even enough reviews out to give Digimon Story: Cyber Sleuth a rating on Metacritic...what's up with this?
ooktar avatarooktar
Dat Booty.
ooktar avatarooktar
more quickposts


Contest!


Seriously

Invert site colors

  Dark Theme
  Light Theme


Destructoid means family.
Living the dream, since 2006

Pssst. konami code + enter

modernmethod logo



Back to Top


We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -